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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you turn a blind eye to your husbands affair?

63 replies

letmeeatcakes · 30/11/2018 15:39

Having been a stay at home mum with two young teens still in education, very rusty work skills, savings dwindled and housekeeping from working husband intermittent would you turn a blind eye if you suspected he was having an affair or confront him knowing you will disrupt the family life?

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 01/12/2018 21:29

Nope.

Snowballs4ever · 01/12/2018 22:51

No. I wish my mother had left my cheating father, it damaged us more as children than if she had left. You can take a job and get your independence and self esteem back.

purplepigs · 02/12/2018 00:04

No bloody way.
Wouldn't put up with it !

MrsMiggel · 02/12/2018 00:09

Yep, I would totally ignore it. He can do what he wants as long as he finances my lifestyle and pays the mortgage. As long as he doesn’t expect any sexual contact or kissing from me. I’d probably get myself someone on the side too.

purplepigs · 02/12/2018 00:25

@MrsMiggel nice one!

Shadow1234 · 02/12/2018 05:02

God no! I definitely wouldn't turn a blind eye. I would make sure I had proof though - not just a suspicion. I also dont believe it's better for the children if you stay together. Children pick up on vibes and can generally work out for themselves that something is going on. (unless they are really young). I would try and find out more before you confront him though - he will probably deny it and you will be back to square one.

Weenurse · 02/12/2018 05:09

I would to gather documentation and advice and get my ducks in a row.
Then surprise him with divorce papers at work.

Safeandwarm · 02/12/2018 05:35

I think it would be impossible to hide your misery from the kids. My mum stayed with my dad (no infidelity afaik but a nasty temper), for us and for financial stability. He made my childhood miserable, I was in constant fear of setting of his moods, that seemed to come out of nowhere.
They are still together, he has mellowed mainly because he gets his way all the time, she is completely subservient to him. She says she’s happy but I couldn’t live like that.

Use your time as a sahp to find out all his financial info, hire a lawyer, get a p/t job. Because, as pps have said, he might leave you for the ow anyway.

swingofthings · 02/12/2018 06:02

I agree that is not black or white. I know a number of couple (including my father and SM) who went through the pain of an affair, made it the other way and became stronger as a couple afterwards. An affsir is also not always one sided and although always wrong, the reasons that led to it are often two dimensional.

There is also staying by fighting and working through the crisis rshter than accepting and turning a blind eye. There is also self-preservation.

If a couple has grown apart, staying mainly by habit but with a shared love from a satisfying element of companionship, just no intimacy (in all form) nor friendship, some will be happy to stay together with one turning a blind eye to an affair, the other turning a blind eye to the fact that they are expected to continue to support both financially and it can work.

Or, it's the outcome of a crisis that requires work to get back on track. It can work too if the issues are resolved.

However, if the woman choose to pretend it's not happening despite feeling massive anger and resentment, but stays purely to benefit financially because a comfort lifestyle and financial luxuries are more important than self esteem, than this is likely to end badly.

Whether to remain a sahw or go back to work is always going to be a risk to assess. It's wonderful to stay at home enjoying a life of leisure with just a few hours to do housework with the full freedom of time, but this comes at the price of dependency and the risk of losing a lot or all if the marriage collapses.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 02/12/2018 09:25

As others have said, I'd turn a blind eye until I had my ducks in a row, then I'd hit him with it, big time.

TheBigBangRocks · 02/12/2018 09:51

No but it's not uncommon for spouses to stay for the lifestyle.

The cheating partner usually leaves anyway in the end.

Your children are teens so no reason for you to be at home so you need a good back up plan for if he chooses to leave so find work, start saving and be ready. You can't guarantee it will fizzle out whilst he turns a blind eye to it,

TheBigBangRocks · 02/12/2018 09:52

Whilst you I meant, not him.

mooncuplanding · 02/12/2018 10:21

People who are children of parents who stayed together miserably, I understand what you are saying but I think there is often some hindsight bias when people say this.

Sure, your parents may not have modelled amazing relationships but I don’t think you can under estimate the impact on children when they have to downsize, move schools, not see one of their parents everyday. It’s not easy and also has a big impact.

I say this as someone 8 years divorced. I had a period of extreme poverty on leaving and only really in the last few years have we got back on our feet.

My take on it is more about truth. It is always the right thing to try as much as possible to live your truth and not be silent and suppressing of it, that only leads to illness.

Personally, I’d confront and discuss. Marriages do overcome affairs and yours might be one of them. That’d be my starting point.

Ignoring it will cause you pain, and who’s not to say he will leave you anyway. You need to talk.

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