Would you turn a blind eye to your husbands affair?

[letmeeatcakes]

Having been a stay at home mum with two young teens still in education, very rusty work skills, savings dwindled and housekeeping from working husband intermittent would you turn a blind eye if you suspected he was having an affair or confront him knowing you will disrupt the family life?

No I wouldn’t, I couldn’t. Are you sure or do you have an inkling something’s goung on?

You’ve had good advice to review the options open to you. To find paying work, to see a solicitor and see where you stand.

This is an opportunity to find a better life which makes you happy.

I think if you're able to turn a blind eye - which suggests you're not devastated at the thought of losing him - I would do so for a while and use the time to prepare for divorce and plan your future. Work out what you want from life and how to get there, then pull the plug on the marriage.

I wouldn’t have the self-esteem to get over an affair so I couldn’t turn a blind eye.

No, unless you've already agreed on that with him? I'd rather be alone than with someone that treated me like that.

Yes..nothing in life is black and white

You sound like your self esteem and confidence is so ground down you now think you have to be a doormat to facilitate everyone else's happiness. Fuck that. You are a person with feelings to and do not have to ignore this hurtful shit for the sake of not rocking the boat. It sounds like your marriage needs to be rocked - it has sucked the life and confidence from you.

No.

I left my ex husband when I had a 10 month old baby, no money, no job and nowhere to live and that was for a lot less than an affair.

i would start getting my ducks in a row: becoming independent, getting legal advice, getting support, and then when I was ready, I'd tell him. I think I'd want to be in control of the time line.

Sounds like things are not great for you.

What I can never understand about these threads (and all sympathy to you op) is that sometimes there’s is NO option to leave.
None. There’s no way on earth we could afford 2 households
Just no way. And our marriage is irretrievably broken for a number of years now. We have a huge mortgage, 1 child in private school, drive a 19yo car

Private school isn’t a necessity and people DO have options.

Get yourself retrained if you, can so you can get a job.

Then LTB.

@AttilaTheMeerkat i second that

And by doing so also obviously thinks one of the perks of this is he can take the piss right under ops nose.

It also makes me wonder what your reasons are for not wanting to confront him op?

Have you looked into benefits tax credits etc, and remember your cms payment for your dc. What is the housing situation atm?

As a child of an unhappy marriage, I can tell you that staying together is more damaging for the children than breaking up and having two households.

(I have no words for the PP with the private school fees )

Nope. I have never ever heard anyone say ‘thank goodness my parents stayed together for the sake of us kids’...quite the reverse!

I tried for almost 3 years to get past it once I knew (I couldn’t, he is the ex) but I would never ever turn a blind eye

If it’s 1908 yes.

Otherwise, no.
You have options.

Private school fees and a huge mortgage are not life necessities. You can downsize.

I couldn't afford to run my own household when I left my ex husband. Guess what, I applied for tax credits. Ideal, no. But it was what I had to do.

I couldn’t turn a blind eye.
I confronted him and asked what he wanted. He wanted to stay so he ended the affair and we worked through it.
It was the only way for me and if he had chosen to leave that would been ok because I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who didn’t want to be with me,

Another one here who couldn’t turn a blind eye. Even once I got a sanitised version of what was going on, I kept digging until I got to the truth. Unless you have absolutely no feelings for your husband and don’t care what he does, I think it would eat away at you.

Leaving seems scary but take your time and get your ducks in a row first. Get a job so you have some income and look into what benefits you would be entitled to; tax credits, child benefit, etc.

It’s a year since I discovered my husband’s affair and at first leaving seemed too hard but my feelings for him have changed and I now realise I cannot stay with him any longer. We are separating. I have done a lot of research into finances, etc, spoken to a solicitor, and although I will definitely be worse off it’s doable and I think I’ll be happier.

I think it would be very hard to turn a blind eye- if you could would that not mean you werent too bothered ? Either way the marriage is in trouble. I would advise getting a job asap to support yourself you’ll then feel so much more in control of your future

There’s no way on earth we could afford 2 households
Just no way. And our marriage is irretrievably broken for a number of years now. We have a huge mortgage, 1 child in private school, drive a 19yo car

You definitely have options. You've just chosen the option where you keep the expensive house and private school.

My thoughts exactly, Omunye. Those poor children: their well-being is of lower priority to their parents than wealth and status.

I've never really had money so I don't know any different but it always astonishes me how many people will sacrifice their mental health, self worth and happiness just so they will be better off financially. What use is a big house if it's soulless and miserable inside.

"Suspect he is having an affair"Find proof ,then make your decision.
Plenty of heroes on this board that never take crap from any man.IMO plenty of women and men turn a blind eye for fear of all the hard work involved in leaving and the fear of being alone.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

If you find proof, it will hit you like a tonne of bricks. Even if things are not good with him and you. I’m not sure you will have the option of turning a blind eye. You will feel so sick and ill. Seeing proof is very different to strong suspicions, emotionally speaking.

However the fact that you strongly suspect means it’s likely that he is cheating on you.

Many women do live like this. It’s not so much turning a blind eye, as living with the horrible knowledge and it impacting badly on your health and self esteem. Women take tranquillisers because it so hideous.

If you want to know, get into his phone etc. He will not confess anything without proof, no matter how decent or honest you think he is.

I’m sorry anyway. It’s easy to sit and type LTB from behind the keyboard. But the fallout of a divorce is not something to be underestimated. I’m not saying you should live with it, it’s your choice whether to or not.

There is middle ground between turning a blind eye and LTB.