If you raise the bar in terms of what you expect from a partner do you have to raise the bar in what you can offer in terms of how you look?

[OhioOhioOhio]

Just that.

why just in how you look?

Erm... I’m not sure. I think that I’ve raised my expectations on how I’m treated and my current boyfriend worships me from the point of view that he feels completely in awe of me, constantly tells me how lucky he is to have me in his life, how beautiful I am and would do anything for me. He definitely feels like he’s punching above his weight but in a way that bothers me as I’ve always gone for a connection with someone over looks as I find looks are superficial. I did find it lovely last weekend when we were both cooking and turning round and thinking how lovely it was to share what was effectively a mundane task. In the looks department I’m mixed race so always thought with my genetic mix I look very different to all my friends - British mother and Indian father so quite dark hair and very olive skin with a mixture of both features. I always wear makeup and I’m a size 6/8 so tiny frame wise. Whereas in comparison to him he’s a mixture of Scottish/Irish and completely bald 😀

Oh ffs,

Yes if you are going on Love Island

Say what now?

Well if you have raised you bar to vain shallow and good looking yes. But generally no. Men only look for good looking women specifically if they want to use them in some way. The most attractive men I know are all paired off with fairly plain looking girls. But they’re all good men who were looking for someone to love deeply so looks didn’t really matter as opposed to wanting a woman to perform a functional role in their lives (e.g. wife, mother to his children, someone to sleep with etc) where looks would form a part of the consideration. Those same men used to have very very attractive girl friends before they started looking for the one for example.

Of course. Because only good looking image conscious women deserve to be treated with respect........ WTF!! !!

No. Because being a decent human being has got nothing to do with how anyone looks.

Looks are also not a tradeable thing; that way rape culture and prostitution lie.

So if I want my partner to improve his communication skills, I've got to doll myself up in return?

Maybe I misunderstood the OP...

Well yes if what you expect from him is in similar vein. If you're telling him to drop 5 stone, get toned, eat clean and invest in a whole new wardrobe whilst you live on chips and emulate Waynetta Slob then you may find yourself single before to long.

What bollox is this?

Everyone should have expectations around how someone else treats them - that is called having healthy self-esteem! Doesn't matter if you look like Charlize Theron or the Elephant Man!

If you think you somehow command more respect or better treatment because of looks, then you've got issues!

You're being way too vague Op. As a pp has already said, if you expect a clean eating, health conscious body builder then you can't get away with not reciprocating. If you expect a respectful, considerate, hard working partner then your looks have naff all to do with it. I'd be outraged if somebody suggested I should spend more time on my appearance in exchange for normal qualities in a partner. People who see physical appearance as a currency are horribly shallow.

Just exactly how is someone's appearance or good looks something to 'offer' in a healthy relationship? What happens when we age? Are we replaced? Is this what some people really aspire to?

Well if you have raised you bar to vain shallow and good looking yes. But generally no

😆👍🏼

What now??

So if he does more housework he expects you to look prettier?

You aren’t a doll. Look however makes you feel best..

My DH does his share round he house because he’s a decent human being. How I look is irrelevant.

So i have about 5 stone to lose. Im desperately waiting to get divorced and have recently started taking small steps to improve my self care routine. Stopped drinking, stopped caffeine, started looking at clothes. Surely that is importsnt?

I could probably lose 10 stone and my fiance treats me like a queen. It isn't about your weight, it's your state of mind. Don't take any shit.

No.

So only conventionally beautiful people deserve respect? . What a strange way of thinking.

You have to be respectful of others to demand their respect in return. People can and do sniff out low self esteem and that is usually what drives an abusive relationship. It’s nothing to do with how you look, everything to do with how you feel.

Yes, it is really important to look after yourself. If you don't love yourself enough to look after yourself, it will always be a struggle to find someone else who will do that, because you are unconciously telling the world that you don't think you are worth your own time and investment, let along anyone else's.

However, that is completely different to expecting a certain type of treatment based on how you look.

It's important for you to feel happy with yourself, and great to be as healthy as you can. Having the energy to look after yourself is a good start.

But extremely overweight people do not have to put up with any kind of crap, as they are not inferior beings.

So i have about 5 stone to lose. Im desperately waiting to get divorced and have recently started taking small steps to improve my self care routine. Stopped drinking, stopped caffeine, started looking at clothes. Surely that is importsnt?

From a health angle, sure, but do it for yourself

How are you raising the bar?

Where my bar is set has nothing to do with looks.

Doing all that is important for you OP. Only indirectly is it of any concern to anyone else. You are not a commodity and neither is anyone else.

Huh? What a weird way to think! I’m approaching 50, and not the fetching young slip of a girl I used to be, but I still expect my husband of 22 years to pull his weight around the house and treat me with respect. And he’s pretty damn hot too!