If you raise the bar in terms of what you expect from a partner do you have to raise the bar in what you can offer in terms of how you look?

[OhioOhioOhio]

Just that.

So i have about 5 stone to lose. I'm desperately waiting to get divorced and have recently started taking small steps to improve my self care routine. Stopped drinking, stopped caffeine, started looking at clothes. Surely that is important?

That is great OP but your husband should be treating you well whether you are 5 stone overweight or perfect weight.

If you are asking whether when you are divorced your next partner will treat you better if you have lost the 5 stone, it is irrelevant, a partner should treat you well whatever your weight. Treat people how you would like to be treated yourself and don't let anyone treat you badly.

What you're talking about is self care and respect. You should have do these things, it's good for you to look after yourself.

Your partner treating you well should not be conditional on you doing them.

My husband loves me equally in my pyjamas with unwashed hair and dressed up ready to go on full make-up. I don't look at him when he's sat on the sofa in his comfies with the dog sprawled on his lap and his glasses on and think I love him less than when he's got a suit on and his contacts in.

It sounds like you've stopped taking care of yourself during your last relationship and you've equated this with the relationship failing and your husband treating you badly.

Men that are awful will treat women badly regardless of how they look.

However losing weight when overweight is always a good thing for health reasons.

What you are really talking about is how marketable you are as a person on the dating scene.

Do not jump straight in to another relationship it’s just not a good idea for most people.Reflection, self improvement, healing that’s what you need to be doing.

Will some people not want to date overweight people? I’m sure some won’t . The actual personality and the way people treat other people is the most important thing though.

Why only in terms of how you look? Because that’s all that’s important in women, all they have to offer?

Are you more likely to find someone to sleep with, being 5 stone lighter? Probably.

Is that person going to treat you better than anyone else has in your life? Maybe.

Is your weight going to affect how that person treats you? Only if he's a prick.

Yes looking after yourself health wise, raising your self esteem and improving your self image are all great goals, but they aren’t anything to do with your standards for your partner.

Your partner should treat you well regardless of how you look.

The most beautiful, well groomed, perfect looking woman I know left her husband because he’d been secretly beating her up for years.

You aren’t only deserving of love or kindness if you are pretty. You are always deserving of love and kindness.

It's important that you are happy with yourself. I'm not overweight but I have a jelly belly from pregnancy, stretch marks, I don't diet and I don't go to the gym, I like coffee and vodka, I live in Doc Martens and jeans at the weekend and I'm bloody happy with myself. I'm single and if any bloke expected me to start going to the gym or dressing up every day I'd tell him to find someone else.

If you want to lose weight and quit drinking for yourself and your health then that's great. But do not do it for a man.

Without bringing it down to looks...in any relationship... there is something about what each party brings to the table in my view.

No. That's a commercial transaction way of looking at it, completely wrong. If you want to lose weight and feel better about your appearance then fine, but do it for you. No man has the right, nor should he have any expectation, that if you 'pay' for his attention by looking good on his arm, he then has to 'repay' that by behaving a certain way. In one of the happiest couples I know the woman is very overweight and they adore each other, they love each other's souls, nothing to do with what they can 'offer' each other.

You have 5 stone to lose to get to what? Your ideal weight? Somebody else’s ideal weight? It’s all personal perspective. That shouldn’t make any difference to how you expect to be treated or your personal boundaries. Just because you are a size 22(for example) doesn’t mean you should expect or tolerate being treated worse than somebody who is a size 8/10. My SIL is a size 18 and her extremely skinny husband treats her like a Queen and always has done. It’s got nothing to do with her size/looks. Really think you need to separate the two and stop beating yourself up.

My somewhat overweight friend showed me her on-line dating profile the other day. She commented that over 1,000 likes was, frankly, unmanageable. I assure you she will not be settling for anyone who treats with anything less than the respect that she deserves. She is now steadily losing weight for her own health and happiness.

Are you more likely to find someone to sleep with, being 5 stone lighter? Probably.

Is that person going to treat you better than anyone else has in your life? Maybe.

Is your weight going to affect how that person treats you? Only if he's a prick.

This.

Your stbx didn't shirk because you were fat. He shirked because he's a prick. He can't diet his way out of being a prick. You can't diet your way out of him being a prick.

Well, only if you think that the value of women as human beings is how they look.

FFS, YABU. And stupid. You get old & wrinkly & grey, you know. The alternative is worse (think about it).

It’s depressing that you’re even asking this question. Do you think a woman’s only worth is her looks?

I don’t even understand the question
It doesn’t compute in my head

I think looks have everything to do with it. Just look at Jennifer Aniston, Victoria Beckham, Nigella Lawson, Cheryl Tweedy/Cole/Fernandezwotsit - never been cheated on or treated badly.

Oh wait...

You should always expect people to treat you properly.

That said if you raise your standards, you should try being your ‘best’ self – or whatever that is. Let’s be honest here, if you’re overweight and have greasy hair (both sexes) you’ll probably struggle at OLD (unless you’re very good with Photoshop-the problem is eventually you’ll have to meet IRL). I’m not saying you should go over the top, but a bit a bit of self-care isn’t really that much to ask really. The physical part is very much part of attraction. IRL it’s probably less of an issue, but still you’ll probably do better if you’re a healthy weight and somewhat cleaned up.

I do sort of understand where the OP is coming from. Before my marriage ended, i was fat, scruffy, had bad hair and rarely wore any make-up. I felt unattractive and had no confidence.

Then... i started going to the gym. I lost a fair bit of weight. I bought nicer clothes that flattered the figure i'd worked hard at getting. I changed my hair and makeup to more flattering and attractive styles. I felt better about myself - and because confidence is attractive, men noticed me more. The attention was flattering, so i got more confidence. Its a virtuous circle.

I went from a partner who treated me poorly, to a string of men who just wanted to get in my pants, to a bloody WONDERFUL boyfriend, who treats me like a queen and who respects me as a person.

So yes, i do understand the OP's question. Improving yourself on the outside gives you confidence on the inside. When you are confident, you dont settle for the first scuzzy man that comes along, you wait until you find a decent man who meets YOUR standards.

Go for it, OP. Make those changes for yourself, my lovely, but then reap the benefits.