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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please tell me how to break up this relationship

33 replies

Shanna8 · 30/11/2018 00:52

I need advice. I want to end a relationship with a man I have been seeing for the past year. He is a lovely person but the feelings are no longer there for me. He is really into me. I have tried to keep things casual but he is making plans for a future with me in his head. A future I don't want. I have tried pulling back from him but it's not working. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him. Please help!

OP posts:

Gracey88 · 30/11/2018 00:55

Hi @Shanna8 what's the issue with him? Why do you not have feelings for him?

Needsomebottle · 30/11/2018 00:57

There's always going to be some hurt in a break up. I'd say if you know it's over just be honest, don't drag it out and get it done. It will hurt him, there's no escaping that unfortunately.

Original poster

Shanna8 · 30/11/2018 01:00

I'm not sure. I liked him a lot at first but I don't fancy him anymore. The sex isn't great either, not for me. He is very intellectual ... I found him interesting in the beginning but now I find our conversations a little boring. He just doesn't do it for me on any level anymore. I don't know how to end it without hurting him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shanna8 · 30/11/2018 01:01

But what do I say ??

OP posts:

Original poster

Shanna8 · 30/11/2018 01:02

I have anxiety even thinking about it.

OP posts:

puddled2 · 30/11/2018 01:03

Be honest with him

Original poster

Shanna8 · 30/11/2018 01:04

I don't have feelings for you anymore. Gulp.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shanna8 · 30/11/2018 01:05

Text or face to face ??

OP posts:

rededucator · 30/11/2018 01:09

After a year if course it has to be face to face!!!!

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/11/2018 01:10

Hurting him is unavoidable. He'll get over it. Rip off the plaster and you can both move on.

Original poster

Shanna8 · 30/11/2018 01:13

Yes, of course it has to be face to face. I am dreading it though. I'm afraid he will break down or worse, convince me to keep it going. I tried to end it during the summer. It didn't work. This is crap.

OP posts:

springydaff · 30/11/2018 01:33

If he genuinely loved you he'd want you to be free. That's what love is and does.

Sounds like you're a fantasy to him, he has built you up to be someone from his imagination. ie the feelings aren't reciprocated but he hasn't noticed! How the fuck do you not notice when someone isn't into you??

You tried to break it up, he pressured you to keep going. Girl, he's in this for himself and doesn't mind how unhappy it makes you. No wonder you've gone off him.

Tell him point blank the relationship isn't working for you anymore and you want to go your separate ways. Don't get into a discussion, you are under absolutely not obligation to flog the whole topic for his benefit.
You have to think of yourself now. Leave relatively soon, even if he's crying maybe ask him if there's anyone he can call. Then block his number. It is for the best - for you both.

I assure you he will be ok. I've yet to meet a man who doesn't know how to look after himself when it comes to it. Look how well he's been looking after himself by forcing you to keep going with a relationship you're not interested in.

You can do this.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2018 01:41

"I'm sorry, XXX, but our relationship just isn't working for me. I think it's best for both of us if we go our separate ways. I am going to ask that you not contact me and I will not contact you. Thank you for the good times we had and I wish you the very best and hope you find love in the future", then get up and leave. Don't try to comfort him or rationalize your decision to him.

It should be face to face BUT if he will not accept your words and let you go, if he tries to manipulate you with emotional displays or convince you against your better judgement, then text him.

Original poster

Shanna8 · 30/11/2018 04:30

Thank you to you all. You have given me the strength (and the words) to do this x

OP posts:

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 30/11/2018 04:48

Yes, tell him face to face and leave fairly soon after. Back it up with a series of text messages that express his good points/about the good times but that are firm in your stance and then if he carries on texting and messaging, slow your responses to nil.

Original poster

Shanna8 · 30/11/2018 05:20

OK great. I will do that.

OP posts:

Fizzysours · 30/11/2018 06:23

Bear in mind that if you have tried over the summer, what happened? Because if he keeps talking you round...that is wuite exhausting...people should let people go but some just don't. And maybe you should feel a little rightfully annoyed about that...and that will help you to be quite clear. Us women can be a bit too 'people pleasy'

Fizzysours · 30/11/2018 06:24

quite typoqueen

GeoGirl94 · 30/11/2018 09:27

I could be writing this post- also tried to end it over the summer- but didn't work- my plan is to do the same as you this weekend when i see him, when i have some emotional support with me- hoping to just come out with it, and this time just up and leave- last time he talked me round- a bit of emotional manipulation that i didn't see till after the fact- Good Luck OP- hopefully you manage to end it

Original poster

Shanna8 · 30/11/2018 09:49

I didn't use the right words when I tried to end it in the summer. I wasn't honest enough with him, which was my mistake. I tried to be gentle e.g. we are too different, we have nothing in common. He talked me round of course. He said he ended a relationship in the past because the girl was too needy. Then he looked at me and said "now I'm the needy one" . I remember feeling so sorry for him. His little face broke my heart. I thought the feelings might come back but they haven't. Women are too nice. I agree with that.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 30/11/2018 12:06

Face to face on neutral ground.
Tell him straight.
I had to go through this a few months back.
He would not take no for an answer.
I just had to blurt out that I didn't fancy him any more.
That he did nothing for me and that I just wasn't feeling it.
Be strong.
Do not back down.
'No' - as they say on here - is a complete sentence.
Just keep repeating!

lynnepot · 30/11/2018 12:13

Just be honest, not brutally in that he is rubbish in bed or boring, but just say in your heart you know you are not in love with him. He will be hurt but he deserves to know the truth rather than be left in the lurch wondering what he did wrong. And yes, after a years relationship it has to be done face to face. Not text.

richdeniro · 30/11/2018 13:55

I was dumped by text after 6 months and the wording she wrote was fairly brutal and horrible but it really affected me and my self-esteem for months. I still think of the wording she used to this day, plus her doing it by text really hurt as it made it feel like the relationship was nothing and that I meant absolutely nothing to her in anyway.

Yes be honest but don't be brutal and definitely not by text. I would have been at least able to look back a bit more fondly on it all had she not done it by text.

ElonMask · 30/11/2018 14:05

Toughie. I think if I had to do this again try to dump him the way you would want to be dumped if that makes sense. Imagining that you were in love with the person dumping you.

The sad thing is that often being harsh gives them a reason to think you are not what they though, this might mean he no longer likes you, but at least he will move on.

Good luck

ElonMask · 30/11/2018 14:09

I guess what I'm saying is be realistic about the possibility of him deciding he thinks you are a cow. Don't worry about him thinking that and therefore be overly nice, that will make it harder for him.

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