Please tell me how to break up this relationship

[Shanna8]

I need advice. I want to end a relationship with a man I have been seeing for the past year. He is a lovely person but the feelings are no longer there for me. He is really into me. I have tried to keep things casual but he is making plans for a future with me in his head. A future I don't want. I have tried pulling back from him but it's not working. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him. Please help!

The input on this thread is of great assistance to me. The truth is, I have no experience of this. I met my husband when I was 17. We were married for 30 years. We separated 2 years ago. I was never with another man. This is my first relationship in 32 years. I am utterly clueless in these matters. And I need to learn how to handle relationships now that I am single. I just want to go on a few dates, have a bit of fun ... maybe have some nice sex! The last thing I want to do is get tied down in another long term relationship.

Yes Elon, I understand what you mean. That will be his stuff to deal with. I know I will appear selfish and cold hearted at the very least but so be it.

Richdeniro, I'm sorry to hear of your experience. There is absolutely no excuse for being brutal and using horrible words to someone. I can absolutely understand how it would affect your self esteem. I hope you are happy now

Big girls pants time and honesty is key. He’s going to be hurt however you package it, but somehow people can smell blshit a mile off, especially if you’re using it to wrap up a difficult conversation.

I’d go over to his, or better still a pub or something similar, (then you can leave when you want to, much harder to kick him out), just be honest and leave. As someone else said, back it up afterwards with a few nice texts then stop. If he tries to contact you or work his way back in the being harsh might be the o ky way to go.

Don't do it at your house in case it's hard to get rid of him. Do it on neutral territory so that you can leave when you've made your point.

Don't agree to be friends straight away. It doesn't work. I am friends with exes but we reconnected a long time afterwards, when the feelings had gone. If he texts you a faux-casual friendly message the day after, don't reply. I know that seems discourteous, but it's far kinder.

Thanks @Shanna8, doing much better now - it actually led to me seeking therapy as I do have a tendency to get overly attached although she did lovebomb me so it was hard not to. It has made me a stronger person though.

I don't doubt that you would be as nice as possible about it (I know it's never nice) and the fact you are posting here about it shows how much empathy and kindness you have about the whole situation which I'm sure even if not immediately he will see in time anyway :)

Thank you for that.

I disagree with the advice to send "nice texts" afterwards. If I had been dumped, I would find that confusing and a bit annoying.

Better to make a clear direct statement that the relationship is over (remember, you don't need to get his sign off or to agree with you that this is for the best) and then cease contact.

Stick to "I" statements - "my feelings have changed, I don't want to continue this relationship" and don't get drawn into justifying yourself, especially if he has form for trying to persuade you to give him another chance, or deciding that your reasons aren't good enough for him.

You are allowed to end a relationship for any reason at all - it is not a court of law and you don't have to argue your case. There is no way to dump someone that isn't going to upset them, so you should aim for clarity (no "I need a break/time to think" stuff) and although you can be kind, you don't have to sit there and let them abuse/threaten/insult you.

Best of luck.