Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm new and I'm broken. Partner has admitted to cheating.. ADVICE!

39 replies

Jazdias28 · 29/11/2018 23:31

Hi - my first ever post and I'm typing this behind tears so bare with me!

Bit of background - I split with my daughter's father and met my current partner. It was a fantastic relationship, my daughter adored him and I maintained a good relationship with my daughter's dad. Everything perfect right? So I moved away with my daughter to be closer with my new partner (An hour away from my old town) left my job started a new one and everything was great. A few weeks after I moved my partner broke down and told me at the start of the relationship he slept with someone. I was gutted but I moved on and accepted it was early days etc.
A MONTH later he went away with work and then I received a message in the early hours of the morning to say he had got so drunk (he never drinks!) And kissed someone at a bar. I was furious but as i had moved my self and daughter I desperately wanted it to work so he went to see a therapist about his behaviour he promised to not get in such states and I forgave him and we moved on. That was 3 years ago. This evening he broke down AGAIN , completely beside himself , out of the blue and confessed that the girl he 'kissed at bar' managed to find her way to his hotel and they slept together.
I'm completely devastated. I cannot tell my friends because I don't want them to think badly of him. I feel so trapped because I moved my life to be with him. I'm away from all my friends and family and my daughter is settled in her school. We bought a house together a year ago and everything has been amazing the past few years. I can't believe I'm here again though. I have no idea what to do now? I love my life here and i have great work friends and studying for a course aswell as working full time. My daughter is thriving and happy. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do? He is an amazing person. So supportive and helpful with my daughter. Loving beyond belief but I'm so taken aback by this.
Please any advice would be much appreciated.
Going to bed with a broken heart this evening.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 29/11/2018 23:34

He's not an amazing person, though, is he? You can't trust him at all.

He always blames other people, doesn't he? And then he wants sympathy off you. Yet he's the one who's having sex with other people.

If you love where you're living, you can still stay there, but honestly this man will destroy your self-esteem.

Zulor · 29/11/2018 23:35

So he's confessing now about 3 years ago?

Hideandgo · 29/11/2018 23:37

The only real question here is can you be in an open relationship? Because that is the best he can offer you.

I’d like to think I’d kick him out if my life for cheating though so that is what you should do.

Singlenotsingle · 29/11/2018 23:37

It sounds as though you've made a good life for you and DD in your new town. What do you want to do? This man is obviously weak, and is flattered at this girl chasing him. Is it a one-off?

Hideandgo · 29/11/2018 23:38

Sorry! Forgot to say how sorry I am that he’s done this to you. You and your DD don’t deserve to be treated like this. And I know this is a low blow right now but what you decide is what your DD will grow up thinking is acceptable in relationships. So choose carefully.

Calmingvibrations · 29/11/2018 23:39

You have a choice; stay with him and accept he cheats or leave.
If you choose the former, I predict his cheating would become more and more frequent as he knows he can get away with it.

Mixedbags · 29/11/2018 23:40

Absolute dick! You deserve better! Would you expect your daughter to put up with this if it was her? I think not! You can do this, get rid. Surround yourself with supportive people, dig deep

Mrstobe90 · 29/11/2018 23:40

"She managed to find her way back to his hotel"

Seriously? People don't mysteriously just guess where people are out of the blue. What is she - the CIA?
He 100% invited her back to his hotel with the intention of sleeping with her and didn't tell you for 3 YEARS so that you'd be in too deep to leave.

This man has now cheated on you multiple times and each time you've taken him back so he hasn't learned his lesson at all.

I'm sorry but he won't change and you deserve better. Once is a mistake, multiple times means he is a man that cares more about a cheap orgasm than the woman he's supposed to love.

Please, love yourself enough to be with someone who values and respects you. He certainly doesn't.

Adora10 · 29/11/2018 23:40

Game over OP he’s a serial cheat the booze just brings out the real him. You are going to have to give this up and go back to the life you had, hard lesson but he leaves you no choice.

Big mistake keeping his secret he’s probably already known as shady as fuck you need to tell everyone and lean on family and friends to extradite you and you child from this toxic environment, you probably jumped in far too quick and gave him far too much trust.

More fool you if you stay and I mean that kindly.

Mrstobe90 · 29/11/2018 23:41

Also, I really hope you're ok. You can and will recover from this xxx

Lozzerbmc · 29/11/2018 23:49

So sorry for you OP my exh cheated on me its devastating when you find out they are not the person you thought; why is he telling you now i wonder when this happened 3 years ago... has he something else to confess?

SandyY2K · 29/11/2018 23:51

the girl he 'kissed at bar' managed to find her way to his hotel and they slept together.

Absolute nonsense. Of all the hotels...bearing privacy and confidentiality that hoteliers keep...She just found her way back to his room.

He needs to start telling you the truth if you guys stand a chance of getting through this.

It's insulting your intelligence to expect you to believe that story.

I'd tell him straight up...you don't know if your relationship has a future....but it stands a better chance if he tells you the whole truth

Zulor · 29/11/2018 23:54

Why is he telling you now?

Original poster
Jazdias28 · 30/11/2018 00:00

Thank you all for your responses.
What breaks me the most is my daughter being caught up in all of this and it makes me feel like I have failed her twice. Myself and her dad were so young when I fell pregnant we and inevitably as we grew up, we grew apart. Now I've met my current partner I saw it for life. Some security for us both and he made me so happy. Now I feel the past 3 years have been a total lie. I don't feel like he fave me the option to leave because he acted so selfishly but I'm in SOO deep. A home of my own, a happy child it's been the dream.
Just feels like I have no way out almost because I don't want to hurt my child and I fear this will have a huge impact on her.
I guess if it was just me I would leave but if you see what I mean it doesn't quite feel so easy with her involved!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jazdias28 · 30/11/2018 00:02

We was watching a film and basically the women in the film cheated and told her husband years later and I said I couldn't believe she was so selfish as to not tell him because she didn't want to lose him. I'm the bloody main character it turns out!

OP posts:
stillreadviz · 30/11/2018 00:05

Girl, you need to get up, get out and get away from this arsehole. He is not going to change, I suspect more will come out of the woodwork and you must not fall pregnant. If it helps, years ago I gave up my life to move MILES away for a bloke I was insanely in love with, it was a huge city where I knew no one, but I built up a new life, job, friends etc, I even married him (which I paid for and paid off his credit cards and all fucking sorts) and a series of emotional torture from some of his female friends I miscarried and the pathetic little worm fucked off home to to his mummy & daddy leaving me crying on the bathroom floor, we hadn't even been married a year, he just couldn't handle being an adult. The sooner you leave the sooner you can start afresh, I wish you all the luck xx

Adora10 · 30/11/2018 00:08

You said you moved an hour away so it’s doable, explain to your daughter HE has let you down so badly you can no longer live with him as it’s not safe for either of you.

You don’t need this cheating weak sneak of a man to raise your daughter well you dont need any man to do that and show her how much you value yourself by kicking this inadequacy to the kerb, you know he will do this again!!

Imareallifemonet · 30/11/2018 00:12

Is there a reason he's only telling you know? Maybe this girl has recently got in contact and he may have a secret child? Find out if he used protection, as this seems a bit too suspect that after 3 years he's feeling guilty.

Flowers for you though, cheating sucks arse you will get over it and be happy.

Mrstobe90 · 30/11/2018 00:22

Children are resilient. Obviously she may be upset at first but she'll surprise you with how strong she will be.
Would you rather her think that it's ok to stay in a relationship with a cheater?

TooOldForThis67 · 30/11/2018 00:30

Why did he confess after 3 years? That is the important question. I wouldn't say you should throw it all away at this point.

Adora10 · 30/11/2018 00:30

To cheat repeatedly so early on in a relationship is a clear sign of your future with him it won’t get better it will become your norm.

He will plead for you to stay but only because he can’t face the fact he’s a dirty untrustworthy loser

ImNotKitten · 30/11/2018 00:34

How can you ever trust him now? He’s lied to you for three years. Who knows what else he’s been up to.

cantbearsedwiththedrama · 30/11/2018 00:58

You can't trust him.

What are you teaching your daughter by staying with this man and having her watch you experience this over and over again.

It's not a healthy relationship to model for a child. Single parents manage perfectly well and it's a better alternative surely than this

Cawfee · 30/11/2018 06:31

Oh OP :( you’ve been sold a lie. He’s acting. He’s dishonest and a liar. He kept that secret for 3 years!! At some point he will run off with somebody else. He’s one of those people who can have other women and keep it secret. Do not waste your life on a liar. You’re handcuffing yourself to a future life of misery. Get out now before wasting any more time. He’s done this twice now and there probably is more.

Girlintheframe · 30/11/2018 07:24

This situation is so similar to my own. Had my 1st DS very young, split from his dad and eventually met what I thought was my wonderful ex-H.

He cheated throughout our marriage and even though sometimes things didn’t add up I always gave him the benefit of the doubt mainly because I believed I was doing my best for DS. Like you i would eventually get a ‘confession’ many years later.

I was so torn at not wanted to hurt my DS and destroy the only family he had ever known and wanting to leave. Eventually I left and have now been married to DH for many years. DS is happy and said many years later he was glad I left as he just wanted me to be happy.

I could never put myself through another relationship like I had with ex. The lack of trust just wore me down. It was exhausting.

Swipe left for the next trending thread