Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Clash of boundaries - how to proceed

42 replies

katy78 · 29/11/2018 14:40

I have been with my partner 8 years and we live together with a mortgage. During this time our relationship has been pretty uneventful. We both have friendships of the opposite sex, no issues there.

However, recently a colleague at my partner's work invited him to go cycling with her. So they went cycling for 6 hours on a Saturday and then started going after a work roughly once or twice a week. My partner stated he hardly knew this woman before they went cycling as they are in different departments and she only works two days a week. So they were colleagues who just said hello in passing.

My partner was then surprised by a text he had received from her after he cancelled cycling and showed me and I felt it was mildly flirty and inappropriate. I then saw previous texts where she had text him out of the blue mundane things about what she had been up to and trying to keep conversations with him going. She would also invite him into her house after cycling for cups of tea.

The upshot is, I no longer feel comfortable with him going cycling with her. To me her texts are flirty, so I feel disrespected. My partner agreed one was a bit strange but he is confident she is not interested in him like that and doesn't know what possessed her to send that text. He wants to continue cycling and says if I stop him he will resent me. The issue is we are constantly arguing every time he goes cycling. We have never argued like this before and it's like living in hell.

I feel like my boundary is that he should cut contact with people who appear to be pursuing him romantically, not spend increasing time with them 1:1. I think it's better to nip it in the bud now rather than carry on possibly leading her up the garden path. I suggested he join a cycling group (she is part of one) but he said no he likes the flexibility of going whenever he wants not just when a group is going.

He feels his boundary is that I should trust him and not control/dictate what he can/can't do. Which I understand is completely fair. But now we are stuck at loggerheads unable to resolve it.

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 29/11/2018 14:43

He should stop going.

c190 · 29/11/2018 14:46

While I understand where you're coming from, I think the fact that he has shown you these texts means you have no reason not to trust him (unless there is a backstory here). He needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that he is not interested. I wouldn't stop him cycling with her, but if she can't handle spending time with him when he has made it abundantly clear he is not interested then it will probably stop anyway.

SlowlyShrinking · 29/11/2018 14:49

I’m surprised he wants to go cycling on his own with someone he knows fancies him, I’d feel very awkward if it was me. Unless I was enjoying the attention and/or fancied them back, ofc

Babdoc · 29/11/2018 14:50

Do you cycle OP? Because if so, I think you should go along on the next ride as a jolly threesome!
Does this woman know that your partner is in a long term relationship? Has he told her about you?
If you don’t cycle, I’d advise you to take up a different sport, and start casually remarking how flirty your personal trainer is becoming with you... See how your partner likes it when the boot is on the other foot!

Original poster
katy78 · 29/11/2018 14:51

He says he doesn't think she fancies him based on how she behaves when she is with him in person. He doesn't understand the texts but they don't change his opinion that she is not interested in him romantically. He wants to go cycling though so I feel he will remain blind to her being interested in him unless she literally propositions him.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 29/11/2018 14:52

So basically he wants the right to have a girlfriend?

Trinity66 · 29/11/2018 14:55

How bad was the text? Personally I wouldn't be happy about that either and I don't think my DH would be if it were reversed. How would he feel if it was the other way round?

Original poster
katy78 · 29/11/2018 14:55

No I don't cycle, I have Crohn's disease so prefer low-impact activity.

HollowTalk sorry I don't understand what that means?

OP posts:
Original poster
katy78 · 29/11/2018 14:57

The text was subtle, the kind of text you might send someone to subtley gauge their interest and let you know you're interested, while leaving wiggle room to back out bearing in mind they work together and she knows he has a partner.

OP posts:
IslaCockra · 29/11/2018 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

flumpybear · 29/11/2018 15:22

Tell us the text - I think it needs dealing with and moving on. Something like oh sorry I think they text may be for someone else Blush

Or you know I'm happily married don't you lol 😂

Bunnymumma · 29/11/2018 16:24

While I think you can trust him, he sounds like a loveable div! So many chaps are blind to predatory women, which can be such a nice and modest part of their personality, but it is a bit dense!

We've had this before, in email form, and my husband gave me the laptop and just said "one for you to reply to honey". We never had a problem with that particular woman again.

RivanQueen · 29/11/2018 16:47

I would say to him that you aren't comfortable him spending 1:1 time with her given that she is texting him in a way that appears to be trying to gauge his interest. If he doesn't believe that is what she is doing tell him that, as a woman, you know that is what she is doing. He might just be a bit blind to predatory behaviour in women. Let him know you're happy for him to continue his cycling just not with her. Your feelings as his wife should trump him keeping this woman has his cycling partner. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that he could cycle with or even cycle on his own. If he joined a cycle group I expect he would find people in the group that would like to cycle at different times, not just when the whole group is going.
He needs to stop making crappy excuses as to why he can only go cycling with her. If roles were reversed I bet he'd be asking you to change your hobby partner and wouldn't be taking such lame excuses as reasons why you wouldn't/couldn't.

RatRolyPoly · 29/11/2018 16:54

Can't you compromise? So he gets to keep going as long as he specifically confronts her about it being TOTALLY platonic? Or perhaps even that you meet her?

You can't 100% affair-proof any relationship, but I think he should be allowed to cycle with a friend so long as he takes reasonable steps for you to be comfortable with it.

It is all about compromise after all.

Yoyooyo · 29/11/2018 17:00

Doesn't make sense. I think something is going on sorry, emotionally anyway.

He shouldn't of built a relationship to the point where he's cycling a few times a week and for that amount of time against his wife's feelings for someone who he only bumps into at work.

He must like the attention at least.

How did she even get his number? I saw you cycle let's cycle together?
Bit odd op

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 29/11/2018 17:00

Perhaps you could point out what a risky path he's pursuing. It sounds as if he's genuinely not interested but hasn't recognized (as you have) this woman's interest in him.

What if she feels rejected and decides to kick off? Your DH works with this woman. If she wanted to she could make up an EA - or even a physical one - supporting her story by the fact that the pair of them spend hours alone together every week.

Your DH is in a potentially very exposed position. If you're in a LTR you don't spend many hours alone with a colleague. If she says they've been having an affair a lot of their colleagues will believe it. She'll get sympathy and he'll get the blame.

TheMagician · 29/11/2018 17:04

I think he is naive. This tentative ambiguous communication is how women express interest.

Original poster
katy78 · 29/11/2018 17:06

How it began - he saw her with her bike and told he he cycles too. Then she printed some maps off for him and left them on his desk. Then she invited him to a time trial so that was a group thing. Then she asked to cycle 1:1.

OP posts:
TheMagician · 29/11/2018 17:10

Im single and id never ask a man in a relationahip to spend a whole day with me just the 2 of us. Id be woried that it would look like i was after him.

TheMagician · 29/11/2018 17:11

Even if i genuinely just wanted somebody else to go cycling with.

SleepWarrior · 29/11/2018 17:15

He's playing a dangerous game.

Yes, he may be a generally good and trustworthy man. But she is being flirty with him, they are spending a lot of time together, and she's inviting him back to hers alone regularly. Whilst he may not be interested in her in those ways, it's foolish to put himself willingly in the path of temptation.

Good people don't have affairs BAM out of nowhere. They creep up on people with a gradual nudging along of boundaries until it slips over the precipice.

PleaseJustSayNo · 29/11/2018 17:20

Again, I think the actual text is key here and I don't think anyone can accurately offer any kind of advise or make any valid opinion without knowing it. It's entirely possible that you have completely misread the text and tone and Infact you are just jealous and this text is completely harmless. You do say it's subtle. To me that suggests possibly making an issue where there isn't one. But again, without knowing the text how can we know

MargoLovebutter · 29/11/2018 17:24

I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner or spouse spending 6 hours each weekend & after work cycling with a female work colleague on their own to start with. It just wouldn't sit well with me at all. I'd have probably queried it initially and said that this sounded a bit odd.

I would take the heat out of it and tell him that you don't want to argue about it, but you want to be absolutely sure he is aware that you are not comfortable with him cycling alone with this colleague. You don't think her intentions are honourable and you think he is placing himself in a position whereby she may interpret his ongoing texting and cycling as a declaration of interest. Tell him that you trust him absolutely, but you do not trust her intentions towards him.

Don't engage in any defence of your position if he comes back to you, just repeat that you hear what he is saying but you can't help how you feel about this and you will continue to feel uncomfortable every time he continues to cycle alone with her. Leave it there and don't argue.

In the meantime I would also ensure that you get plenty of stuff in the diary so that he has commitments for other things for a few weeks and can't go cycling. That way without having to push it further, he simply isn't free to do it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/11/2018 17:27

Your partner is being an idiot. Of course she's sniffing around if she's sending flirty texts.

If he has any respect for you, he will quit the 1:1 sessions with her and join a cycling club.

Butterymuffin · 29/11/2018 17:33

I suggested he join a cycling group (she is part of one) but he said no he likes the flexibility of going whenever he wants not just when a group is going

So he doesn't want to be tied into other people's arrangements, except for this particular person where he is tied into their arrangements but he doesn't mind that? Right.

Swipe left for the next trending thread