Clash of boundaries - how to proceed

[katy78]

I have been with my partner 8 years and we live together with a mortgage. During this time our relationship has been pretty uneventful. We both have friendships of the opposite sex, no issues there.

However, recently a colleague at my partner's work invited him to go cycling with her. So they went cycling for 6 hours on a Saturday and then started going after a work roughly once or twice a week. My partner stated he hardly knew this woman before they went cycling as they are in different departments and she only works two days a week. So they were colleagues who just said hello in passing.

My partner was then surprised by a text he had received from her after he cancelled cycling and showed me and I felt it was mildly flirty and inappropriate. I then saw previous texts where she had text him out of the blue mundane things about what she had been up to and trying to keep conversations with him going. She would also invite him into her house after cycling for cups of tea.

The upshot is, I no longer feel comfortable with him going cycling with her. To me her texts are flirty, so I feel disrespected. My partner agreed one was a bit strange but he is confident she is not interested in him like that and doesn't know what possessed her to send that text. He wants to continue cycling and says if I stop him he will resent me. The issue is we are constantly arguing every time he goes cycling. We have never argued like this before and it's like living in hell.

I feel like my boundary is that he should cut contact with people who appear to be pursuing him romantically, not spend increasing time with them 1:1. I think it's better to nip it in the bud now rather than carry on possibly leading her up the garden path. I suggested he join a cycling group (she is part of one) but he said no he likes the flexibility of going whenever he wants not just when a group is going.

He feels his boundary is that I should trust him and not control/dictate what he can/can't do. Which I understand is completely fair. But now we are stuck at loggerheads unable to resolve it.

Your DP should be prioritising you and your feelings. If you are normally ok with his female acquaintances but this one is ringing alarm bells, then he should listen. Even if your instincts are off on this occasion, why would he risk his relationship with you for the sake of a bike ride with a work colleague?

If he joined the cycling group, he’d easily find people to cycle with when he wants to. WhatsApp group “who’s riding tonight?”.

My husband does this. Often ends up having a full pub meal with one woman. (married, lovely, no interest either way)

In this case I’d be telling him no to the cups of tea after, and I’d be Strava’ing his arse to check that. Which would be no way to live.

Hi OP, generally humans are instinctive creatures and if a situation in your relationship is making you uncomfortable then it’s perfectly ok to say that, and to ask your DH to respect that this is making you uncomfortable and nip it in the bud.

He’s basically going on dates with another woman. Who is interested in him.

You’re not being controlling. Unless he thinks it would be controlling for you to demand he doesn’t fuck anyone else too. In which case he’s got the wrong idea about marriage.

How are his friendships and social life apart from this?

I think some girls/guys like socialising with people who “kind of” fancy them even if they don’t fancy them back, because those people make them feel special, always respond to their texts, chase after them etc?

Whereas often platonic friends can be flaky or put someone in the position of “gamma league friend” and not include them in stuff.

Just look at all the posts about friendship dilemmas on here from women! Men have the same thing as well.

Not saying it’s a comfortable situation and he’s “right”, but I wonder if a more holistic approach might be better - ie he’s lonely and needs some interesting activity and conversation that isn’t work based? But doesn’t like the social politics of a club (a lot of guys aren’t actually comfortable in male dominated environments)

so is there anything you could do together where he can have some group chat etc? It doesn’t have to be cycling

I know couples who join walking groups or dining groups on meet-up etc

My dh is a cyclist and there is No way I would be happy for him to cycle one on one with a woman who was flirting with him. I'd ask your partner if he'd be happy with the situation if the shoe was in the other foot. He may look at it differently. If that didn't work, I'd give him some kind of ultimatum.

You do know one day op his bike will wobble, he will fall off and his penis will land in her fanjo..
That is the version you will receive.

@Snowwontbelong Those pesky potholes cause havoc don't they?

Ah yes, the ‘needy’ female colleague , the babe of many women’s lives on here. Having had experience of this with someone who worked for us both but decided to mainly contact H at all times of day and night just chit chatting , please tell your H he is being a dick, in order not to rock the boat he is upsetting you , it doesn’t matter if he isn’t interested in her, she clearly is either one of life’s flirts or gets a buzz from it all and hence she isn’t appropriate for hours and hours of one on one with him.i think he has a huge cheek !!

He also from what you say has a sick wife! What a selfish twat

Your DP's ego must be soaring. He will feel like a dog with 2 dicks having 2 women vying for his attention. I rather suspect he is enjoying this & doesn't want it to stop.

His bubble needs to burst.

How it began - he saw her with her bike and told he he cycles too. Then she printed some maps off for him and left them on his desk. Then she invited him to a time trial so that was a group thing. Then she asked to cycle 1:1.

He made the first move then, and is going along with whatever she suggests. So not doing anything to make clear he's not interested. Next they'll sign up for a sportive that requires an overnight stay somewhere and he'll get that direct proposition.

(He should stop going, obviously).

Sorry OP, but I don't believe that he doesn't believe she fancies him. I think he knows exactly what she's doing.

He's shown you the texts, so it's all "above board", and acts all innocent about the nature of them. This is to throw you off the scent. He's planning on having an affair (or already started), which is why he's accusing you of being controlling, so he can turn it around on you, you back off, and he can carry on seeing her.

I would have given him the benefit of the doubt, but he's fighting too hard to keep going "cycling" with her alone, he's not willing to compromise, and throwing the "controlling" accusation about, makes me certain that he's up to no good.

You are conflating two issues. You don't mind him cycling. You do mind him spending loads of time with her. He can find someone else to cycle with, or go on his own.

Don't stand for it. Show him the door if that's what he wants to choose. It's such a silly excuse using the resentment argument. He can go find someone else to cycle with who won't send those kinds of texts. He clearly knows what's going on. He should have no qualms upsetting his wife!