Mental Health against me

[MrwhoknowsD]

Not sure where to be begin. I have been separated from Ex Wife 2 years, it's no secret it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and to "let go" and move on up until now has been near impossible for me. This past year I have been in & out of hospital with a couple incidents. I've been struggling with major anxiety and depression for years although for the most part ignored it and put it down to a "bad day" for near on 10 years. I admit I don't react well to things that upset me but I'm trying to change that. I'm starting to see a therapist which I would say is helping alot until this last episode where my ex has decided that my reaction to a truly fucked up situation which involved someone from her life intruding on mine. and this is grounds to now keep my children away from me as she fears my mental health will in someway impact them negatively. She has cut all communication until she has found "professional advice" without any explanation as to what prompted it other than the events over the last few weeks which as usual is easier to pin on someone who gets angry when they feel like they are constantly in the wrong, and as a mother she holds all the cards regarding contact with the children. I'm struggling with what to do next and for the future

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I think answers to this might hinge on exactly what you mean by "I admit I don't react well to things that upset me". I think a more detailed exploration of that might go a long way to explaining your ex's position.

I get very upset an angry, not violent but probably not the easiest to communicate with. it's like a switch and it can be over something small which is made worse when there is zero communication then all of a sudden a fountain of hurt just pours out of me bringing up the past and ways we can rectify the problems.. I know its not helpful but it's been very difficult to control. We can be civil to borderline pleasant when in the same room but as soon as there is something to discuss over phone/text im shut out which exacerbates the problem.

I'm sure that's difficult and distressing for you, but can you see it from your ex's perspective? Presumably she's had years of seeing you behave like that, she's probably tiptoed around on eggshells in case something sets you off. She has vulnerable children to protect, and now you're no longer together, contact with them would mean she wouldn't be there as a buffer/human shield if you "got upset and didn't react well". What happened with your reaction to the recent incident?
It sounds like she's not arbitrarily decided to prevent contact altogether, she's protecting her children while she seeks professional advice. Can you see it from that point of view at all?

It's only really been since we separated I think! that I've been this way. she does say she feels like she walks on eggshells which I understand to a degree as I spent most of our marriage on eggshells. Im constantly told im emotionally blackmailing her which if true is not intentional at all.

It just feels like every time I decide her life is hers and her decisions are hers it has nothing to do with me and dont want to talk about it.. I'm "not helping" so when I get brought back into that protecting mode I get the silent treatment.

I dont know, I was a broken man the last year or so before she ended it without a second thought to resolve things, and I have nothing left in me. this was the final straw and quite frankly although impractical. I never want to speak to her again as this isnt the first time my "mental health" has been used against me.

And to add to that. she knows 100% I would never hurt the children which just adds to my confusion and frustration about the whole thing

You say you've just started therapy. Why not give it a bit of more time, usually takes a while for the real effects (especially if you have ten years to process) to kick in, and ignore the rest for a bit so you can focus on your own health and possibly see the situation more clearly. I'm not taking sides here, just saying it would be wise to focus a bit more on yourself to help everybody in the long run.

Because it is seen to be selfish and putting my needs first. I actually can't stand living away from my kids. I should be used to it by now I guess but its fucking brutal. I'm trying to put my life together on my own but I've been conditioned over the years to be everything to everyone even when I cant, she doesn't understand that, nobody does. It's because I couldn't make everything ok on my own I wasn't worth bothering with. I took an overdose months ago and not a single person asked if I was ok. stuff like that builds up on a person and yes I am fucking angry and I have a right to be.

It has got to be in your children's best interests to see you. It's their right to parental contact with you, subject to that caveat, and not your right to see them.

Your post is all me, me me. Sorry to be blunt. Your behaviour in the past and current potential for volatility has led to this situation. You need to start taking responsibility for your actions, or you will never change them.

Your children need to NOT see you kicking off and getting angry and upset. There are many ways to hurt children, and witnessing bad stuff is a big way. Take some time and space, get your head sorted with therapy and revisit contact with your ex when you can prove to her that you can put your children's best interests above your own.

If you can't show her this, then you can always apply to the court and prove to Carcass and the Judge that you've done enough. But that will be long, stressful and expensive and your dirty laundry will be aired in court.

Do right by your kids first, OP. Sometimes that means not seeing them while you sort yourself out.

Cafcass not Carcass ffs You know what I meant!

Most posts from people that have a problem are me me me.. but I get your point. the kids never see me "Kick off" I think they actually enjoy being with me. Unfortunately I did take some time away from them for a month this year, and because it was my decision to do that I have not been forgiven as previously stated for "selfish" reasons. We are just never on the same page. Yes I have things to work out and doing so but I always have this overhanging feeling that what I do isn't the right thing to do if that makes sense? Everyone is just trying there best but still having someone control aspects of my life I just cant get used to, and to pin it on a very rough time in my life is disgusting.

Sometimes you have to put your needs first, to eventually help other people.

Give it some time, actively work with the therapist. Yes, I understand that living away from your children is difficult, nevertheless it's a reality that you'll have to come to accept. Take some time away, reinvent yourself I'd say (join a club whatever gets you busy).

Come on now if you're taking overdoses, you're not in good place obviously. You need help. Well you can be angry, and you might have every right (I don't know the intricacies here- it's not even particularly relevant), but it's up to you to learn how to deal with it. Take time to solve that first. You can learn all sorts of coping strategies etc; to do that you need time, take the time.

I grew up with a father who was volatile, angry, couldn’t control his reactions, and suffered from depression. It was hard on me, and has had a lasting impact.

You have been suicidal, I’m glad you didn’t succeed. You need to concentrate on getting all the support professionally that you can.

Your ex might be right about stopping access - we can’t know, and there are certainly valid concerns from what you have posted.

But rarely is it in the best interests of children not to see a parent at all.

Have you considered proposing (and if necessary, insisting on via court) supervised access? Do you have a parent who would go out with you and their children for the afternoon once a fortnight, for example? So you keep regular contact and the kids don’t need to know it is supervised.

How was this “time way from them” handled?
If you just disappeared I’d take a very dim view as their mother, as to whether continued contact would just let them down.
If you told them that you were unwell and they knew they would see you again on X date, that is different.

You sound quite similar to my exH

We've been split over 2 years and DC. He has MH problems and actually so have I. We both felt like we were walking on eggshells and said as much at different times.

Firstly - has she actually stopped contact? Or are there barriers to contact that you can overcome?

My exH isn't prepared to have contact supervised after displaying behaviour that professionals advised me required supervision initially

My exH is simply not prepared to do anything that was required of him to see his DC

His MH is a contributing factor for behaviour but doesn't excuse it or stop the impact on DC or myself as an ex partner but then wife

There might be nothing you can do or know of... or something you can do and know of that will prove you will put your DC emotional and physical wellbeing first - whether that is treatment, supervised contact etc ?

Are there factors in your own life where you are expecting children to simply understand and support you rather than you prioritise their needs?

You say you are trying to put your life back together but took a month off... try to see that from the perspective of a child and the mother who then has to support that child through a month where their father was unable or unwilling to continue contact

I understand MH is an illness and can't be helped, but yours has impacted so severely that you couldn't parent for a month. If the mother had also been in this position- she would have had to give up her children... and then fight to have them returned when well... and the children would have had the trauma of the separation

And lastly, are you being completely honest about MH diagnosis with yourself... don't worry about telling us but some illnesses do have symptoms that may lead to a greater concern if evident - suicide attempts while can be from depression and anxiety suggest it is a very severe form if that is the only diagnosis

I hope you get the support you need and hope you are able to see through hurt from your ex wife to why she may be taking the action she is, and what you can do to be a part of your DC life and remedy those concerns with her and professionals. Your DC will thank you in the long run if you can!

If it were truly for the best intentions of the children I would 100% accept it. I think it's because their wasn't an explanation of why this is happening now because they have been coming to stay every other weekend.

I'm a firm believer in if you understand the why, you can make the right decisions to make things better. I just know that when she deems it acceptable again this will be another time to hold over me. I have no indication what "professional advice" she is seeking, how long it will be until I see them again or anything.

If she outlined the reasons behind it, that would at least be something. We haven't gone through courts or the system because we wanted to handle this on our own.

I took the month because I really needed to, things were getting out of control which I expressed deeply at the time. I honestly didn't know if it was enough time but I eventually stated at the end of the month I would have been able to deal with things so that I could consistently have them every other weekend rather than sporadically due to my living arrangements which did happen.

Ok... you need to firstly make sure you are well enough mentally as it will backfire if you aren't at all well enough... so meds, therapy, support system... anything helpful - ENGAGE

Prove that you are prioritising your DC by taking proactive steps and doing everything you can to minimise any future impact from your MH

Then see a solicitor

If you both agree in mediation- get whatever you draw up as an agreement made into a legally binding agreement

If you can't - go to court. It's £250ish to represent yourself if you can't afford fees. See a solicitor a few times to be as prepared as you can

If you get to court - Agree (unless a solicitor tells you this is bad advice, I'm not one!) to anything necessary- contact centres, supervised access, counselling etc

In the meantime- pay towards your children, CSA can help if you don't already know how much or how to

Keep up to date on things re their care if possible- have you shown an interest in progress at school? Don't turn up and suprise or frighten anyone at a school play.. but unless you have a legal barrier to texting/emailing the mother and asking for updates on how they're doing, I would show an interest

Don't fight with their mum! Polite and caring - discuss the DC (not if you think she's being a bitch etc)

You need to prove you are stable and prioritising them, not yourself above them.

The biggest red flag I can see is you taking time off and expecting it to simply carry on after. Please understand what I've said - if their mum took time off from her kids - they'd go into care, she could voluntarily give them into care because of MH. To get them back afterwards- she would have to prove to the LA that she was capable to have them back. This is what you need to do now. Prove you are capable and that isn't simply likely to happen repeatedly...

My exH did it repeatedly. Damaged DC are the result!

Thank you nctoreplytoyourpost It makes sense to do that, although I wish it didn't have to come to this. I do believe she has their best interests at heart I just feel like I'm going 1 step forward 10 back. Thank you all for your insights.

‘Handling” it yourselves obviously isn’t working. I’m curious as to why the decision was made to handle it yourselves, when it’s bloody obvious the communication issues between you and your Ex would have made it bloody unlikely.

Focus on getting well and letting your therapist support you in that. When you are stable enough then formalising contact would be the next step.

Also I really do understand why you say you would 💯 never hurt your children and she knows this

But you have actually. Just from the little in your posts

I'm not trying to make you feel bad... I really wish my exH had people around him who would have been honest and helped him see from the DC perspective. If I said it - it was just like your title "using his MH against him" and nobody has done anything but pat him on the back and say poor you to him. Which is useless in resolving things as much as it appears sympathetic.

DC always trump you - good MH, bad MH, anything - their needs are always the priority

Honestly I do appreciate how shit it is, there's been times I have barely put a foot in front of the other and would have wished for a poor you type ear to vent at. But if I had not been willing or actually been unable to feed, nurture, care, respond to my DC and their needs lost out to my need for "poor you" - I would have been a neglectful parent

Your DC have had sudden separation, they have probably witnessed you and ex arguing and the eggshell vibe in the home, they probably have seen many of your symptoms in action and may or may not have picked up on self harm attempts, and they definitely will have been impacted by a mother so stressed she's seeking professional advice, and you not handling things well (even if not violent physically) can cause a huge amount of emotional trauma to children

Please put yourself in the DC shoes and acknowledge what they have experienced honestly

Not to feel shit, not to sit there and give up feeling useless... to motivate you in how you will avoid harm in future and how your DC will appreciate it

You can do it, and your DC deserve you doing it! All the best

AgentJohnson maybe pretending everything could be amicable and friendly when the separation was the last thing I wanted? It's been a slow decline I think, she didnt look twice and I felt abandoned at the time I needed her.

I should have handled things alot better but at the time its not that easy to think clearly. Communication has always been a huge issue which only came apparent when we split, partly the reason why I get angry as I see that now and have wanted to rectify that for ages but I cant do that on my own.

This is the dilemma nctoreplytoyourpost that I have and before I say anything I really do appreciate everything you have said. This is something I struggle with as its a constant conflict of what I think I should be doing..

You said the red flag was to step back for the month, i would totally agree. Never have I done anything like that before I hated suggesting it. I knew that would be more pressure and work for their mother which although difficult to explain to her the reasons I actually do still think it was for the best.

But Who did I prioritize then? I would say in the long run them, but to everyone else I made me the priority.

To concentrate on becoming stable and being the dad they deserve without contact who am I prioritizing? same result I think.

It's always been a constant battle between what I think is right move and what is perceived by others, ultimately resulting in disaster. Maybe this new year will bring something new to the table

No, the new year will not bring anything new to the table. It doesn’t work like that.

1. The new year is still a monthly away. So passively stepping back for almost 10% of a year isn’t going to fix anything

1. You are still you in January.

If you want it to be different you need to act. Therapy for you, mediation for both of you... whatever.

Why are you not doing something NOW about seeing the children? (and relieving your ex of 24/7 responsibilities)

You ignored my question about supervised access.

Did you do it suddenly?

Did you give warning?

Was there ample time to organise the extra it impacted on her?

You said you thought it could have been longer than a month, you were uncertain how long you needed

Parents go away on holiday, on business, have operations, are in hospital... lots of things can happen that mean a parent is absent for a time. It's usually in how it's handled that tells you who was prioritised

A person hospitalised- what can they do? Kids can go visit possibly. Sudden accident - bigger negative impact... planned operation - lesser impact and kids prepared

Holiday or business- kids prepared and usually these days contact via phone etc

Person says it's too stressful and I need a break, not sure when I can manage again... who isn't the RP and doesn't have responsibility for the majority of the time for the care of the DC

That's when it's seen as selfish.

Maybe you actually simply couldn't cope due to your MH... and never meant to be selfish... and had good intentions... but your MH has negatively impacted your DC

And you might not be able to help that. You can however acknowledge it and empathise with their mother taking action and feeling angry on their behalf

And then understand what you need to do as a father

Please don't do what my DC father did and give up on fatherhood. It is hell for DC to experience that rejection

Ellisandra I didn't mean to ignore you. the last thing I said was that mediation should be involved but as she didnt want me to contact her until the end of next week I dont know her thoughts on that as I have had no reply. and yes obviously a change in date wont change anything but I do have a plan which will eventually help the situation regarding more time with the children when it hopefully is resolved. One of those steps is to move closer