Am I being picky or should the timings of a divorce matter?

[Lottie35]

Would greatly appreciate advice!

I found out tonight (I asked directly) that my BF of 3 months was only divorce 3 weeks before meeting me on a dating app. He led me to believe it was over 4 months.

He didn't see the divorce coming, he was madly in love with his wife and she only moved out 5 weeks before he got together with me..in the mean time he'd been on the dreaded tinder and dated other girls - fine but not exactly grieving.

I'm upset because he was economical with the truth but has turned it round on me saying time is irrelevant and why should i care. He also said that within the 5 weeks of his ex moving out and getting together we met he did all his grieving i just can't believe it??!

I've always felt he's been pushing for more ie seeing me more, wanting me to move in, he talks about marriage (he's been married twice before) and really pushing to meet my family. At times it's made me feel uncomfortable i feel like the rebound and crazy for thinking this way because he makes me feel like i'm being silly - am i?

I find him quite needy and insecure and now it makes sense. He refuses to say he is insecure even though he's made me feel slutty for having ex's (I've been single for 2 years to get over my ex) and loads of other little things. He won't admit to lying to me or admitting he has baggage from him recent divorce.
Am i being picky? paranoid? or am i being reasonable?

What the hell do I do?! I have zero confidence in relationships from a nasty ex in the past and paranoid I'll ruin a healthy relationship. He says he loves me so much but there is a nagging feeling it's more obsession and escapism for him. I feel like crap .

He's not divorced. I signed the papers in October 17 and finally got divorced this August. There was no dispute, no court hearing. Simplest divorce ever and it took 9 months

Oh my god. He sounds like such hard work
YUCK

He's a lying, manipulative, emotionally abusive twat. Better to have found out now than 5 years in.

My guess is he's still married. I wonder if his wife threw him out for not being able to stay off dating apps or something like that?

Men lie so much these days. I'd have to do a very thorough background check on anyone I was thinking about getting serious with.

Run away!

Thanks lovely ladies! Feel like crying so much . Even now he's telling me he has nothing to apologise for and that I am in the wrong for over reacting.

Very cagey when i asked him direct questions. My guess is that he knows he's been caught out ...even though he constantly gave me bull about trust being sooo important....he's now done the typical defensive and made out he's innocent and i'm being hysterical calling him out on it.

I've kept factual. no emotion .

His ex wife apparently accused him of being controlling..

Brilliant ...shall have Monty Python in my head from now on :D

So he said he was divorced and he isn’t and he’s trying to make out you’re wrong for minding?

Bin him off!

Through therapy I have learnt that if you don't take the time to process your feelings and go through that sadness you feel from a previous relationship then you essentially carry all that baggage over with you into your next relationship.

I would not go anywhere near someone who hadn't taken at least 6 months out to themselves in order to go through that otherwise it's all going to come out at some point.

The needy and insecure thing is part of that. If he's keeping things bottled up it will just get 10x worse over time.

I tried OLD in the immediate weeks after my ex just because I didn't want to sit at home feeling sad and go through all the memories of spending Saturday nights with her when I was alone but now I can see why it was important I did learn to be alone again and not park my feelings elsewhere. I felt constantly anxious because the sadness was being bottled up inside, I'm now glad I did take a few months out and take the time to feel myself again. The anxiety has gone and I feel much healthier in terms of going into a new relationship.

I’m thinking he hasn’t even submitted the paperwork!
“Aug/Sep”?
People can usually pin down to the right month when they’ve done something fairly big, if it’s in recent months.

Definitely not divorced (mine was easy and took about 7 months) and sounds like a right knob, too. Fair enough if he was honest (we got divorced on the basis of 2 yrs separation so I dated before the legal things were tied up) but he's lied which is a massive worry. Sorry xx

It’s all total bullshit.

You have to wait 43 days (just over 6 weeks) from when you receive your nisi before you can even apply for the absolute.

I’m feeling mighty pleased for his wife that the divorce, although certainly not completed, is at least underway! Because he’s really shown you his true colours now you’ve called him out.

Block the arse.

So a little update - he sent me a begrudging message saying 'i'm still legally married until i get the paperwork through' ....doh that's the same as not being divorced 'i signed the papers'. No apology but pointed out how much I'd hurt him and I had been horrible to him..

He's finished off saying he never lied and that 'i'll bring your stuff after work as I see where this is going'.
Probably good it's so final but in all those messages not one admission of guilt on his part or sorry to me. Almost worse than lying.
Slippery character.
BTW this guy asked me what engagement ring I wanted....and was wanting to marry me ...i feel so dumb...I wonder how far he wouldve got before letting me know he was thinking of being a bigamist.

Run rabbit, run rabbit, run run run.

And then give yourself a MASSIVE feel good pat on the back for recognising as much as you have, as soon as you have.

YOU WERE RIGHT. IT IS WRONG.

He is incredibly needy and insecure and if he can't even admit that it will not get better. Even if he does admit it, take it from someone who is over a year into a relationship with someone with similar jealousy issues. It's not fun. Get out before you're too involved. You sound far too happy with your life to let this take over it and I promise you it will.

It is worse than lying that he can't back down even an inch and admit he did anything wrong. He will always be right. It's exhausting dealing with men like that. You've dodged a bullet, though it's painful now.

Needy and insecure?
Nah - just an arsehole who lies to get what he wants.

Get out.

Thank you. I'm absolutely gutted that I wasted time on this dude and thought I loved him. My gut was telling me something wasn't right. It's actually his reaction and behaviour tonight which is the biggest concern. I think he has shown me a version of himself .
The nagging feeling of being controlled and smothered and the jealousy ...Jesus. He kept telling me he didn't want to lose me and i didn't know why until now.

I opened up about my ex breaking my heart because he was still married and i was a rebound - now I've been a rebound twice in 2 years! I always felt like I was replacing something missing in his life, i could've been anyone.

HOWEVER i am not sticking around whereas before I would have.

It's not just the fact he's still married - he's just a red-flag-a-thon.

Too fast, too pushy, too much too soon, makes you feel slutty, makes out you're silly when you ask perfectly sensible questions, invalidates your reactions and is dismissive of your feelings, turns things around on you, starting to make out you can't be trusted with male friends...

You've dodged a bullet there. Good call.

I really don’t think that this arsehole was “on the rebound”. I suspect he’s a total shit, full stop. Those behaviours he displayed were rebound behaviours - they were controlling dick behaviours. Bet his wife could tell you a tale. Although, you can’t actualkg believe anything that he said.

*weren’t rebound behaviours

Thanks Ladies!

I'm so happy in my life . It took me 2 years to get over my ex and in that time I bought a flat and my job is going well. I love my own company and have brilliant supportive friends and family.

I have to keep a check of my mental health as I have bipolar and PTSD, Eating disorders. A few years back I was unwell and ended up with an nasty, abusive man . I was pretty vulnerable. However my health comes first and in the past 2 years I've thrived. If I was still in that really horrible place this chump could've had me good and proper. I am also adept at men who enjoy a women they perceive as weak. Due to my mental health i'm one of those. However i'm sure you'll agree those who suffer with mental health are pretty tough cookies. He was very keen on looking after me because of my health...piss off! Almost like looking after the little lady hahaha.

I'll walk away with my head held high :)

Gut instinct is that she was controlled by him. She met him when she was 18 and he was 30....red flag!
She didn't work so he paid for everything which he bemoaned to me about but actually was a way of control.
He was also obsessed with driving me places or picking me up. Sounds nice right? well it became stalky!
Also I started to lie which i never do. Lie that I couldn't call him, lie that I wasn't see male friends or just not talk about stuff in case he got hurt.

Totally agree I think it's beyond rebound and this is him. Argh!!!

Very cathartic getting it out!