Having a stand off with hubby - who should crack first!

[Alicia870]

Last night I had a bit of a tiff with my husband. We just had our first baby 8 weeks ago. Basically it arose because baby threw up her bottle (poor little babs - she is fine btw) and straight away he said 'it's because you sat her up too quick'. I hadn't even had a chance to even process what she'd done he had said it that quick.
I'm so tired, sleep deprived, emotional, hormonal that it just frustrates me that he comes home from work and seems to always critique what I'm doing. I'm the one doing night feeds and the one who has been through a really rough pregnancy, birth and recovery. When I sort of rolled my eyes at him he launched into this tirade about how I never take criticism and my whole family say it about me all the time

I found this really hurtful as it not only made me feel crap about myself but also isolated and that the people I love the most are talking about me behind my back. I'm trying to adjust to life as a new mum, recovering from a really rough labour and delivery, and I feel like the last thing I need is criticism. We haven't spoken since. He spent the night in spare room and has now gone in there again for the night. I feel really low and have spent all day sitting in the house with no interaction with anyone and haven't even spoken to my mum as I feel betrayed that she and my husband have been talking about me in a negative way. Am I going mad- I am really tired with the new baby but can't help feeling he should reach out to me and apologise?

Do this works a treat... ask him for the names of family members and proceed to call them...

And no your not crazy he needs to shut the fuck up when he has his mary sliced in two by a watermelon popping out and an iron searing your fanny after first piss after Labour he gets a say until then he is a fuck head xx good luck your doing great and we have all had a baby puke on us wait to see his face the first time your tiny bundle projectile vomited.. xx

8 weeks after delivery, while I can sort of understand him saying something stupid like "it's because you sat her up too fast", he really needs to cop himself on with the tirade about you not taking criticism and bringing you mum and family into it.

He is being an ass tbh. You have a newborn. he can't just fuck off into the spare room because you dared to roll your eyes at him and "don't take criticism well" It is almost funny because what actually happened is HE didn't take criticism (the eye roll) well and went off to break one of the rules of arguing (don't say "You always/you never or bring in past arguments).

Look, having a baby is very hard and hard on a relationship. It is harder on you as you are also recovering from pregnancy and childbirth and the hormonal changes but it is really like a bomb going off.

Forget your mother- god knows if she actually ever said anything about you. Find a time he is free - tomorrow morning maybe and say to him

"look, you can't just leave me and the baby and head off to the spare room because we've had an argument. If we both did that what would happen to baby? We are in this together. Now can we draw a line under what happened. Then could you please understand that my entire life is upside down. I have gone through an difficult pregnancy and labour and I am exhausted and trying to do the best I can. I'd like you to support me. Maybe I don't take criticism well but why are you criticising me at all? I'm doing the best I can and I need your help. If you presume the best of me, I'll do the same for you".

Don’t necessarily believe what he said about your family ‘apparently ‘ said. I imagine he was defending himself any way he could.

There are SO many reasons why she threw up that he can go jump. She threw up. It is what it is.

Next time say ‘is that you volunteering to do tonight then? Excellent. I’m off to haha bath.’

Ask him why on Earth are you doing all night feeds if you’re bottle feeding?!

And phone your mum.

It is so hard recovering from labour and adapting to life as a parent; be kind to yourself and try not to take him too seriously. Hopefully he’s just knackered and anxious too and handling it badly, rather than him being an actual arsehole.

Thanks everyone. He's not an arsehole but I do think he just doesn't know when to zip it. I don't know who made him an expert on babies and parenting. We're both doing this for the first time. He's right that I probably don't take criticism well, but what new first time mum would? My baby was sitting there covered in vom and I was worrying about her and the last thing I needed was to be told it's my fault. He ended up coming into the room last night but we still haven't spoke. It's all petty but I would love him to approach it first. But it looks like I'm in for another dreary boring day in the house and don't know if i can cope with no contact again this evening!

Poor guy, it's his baby too. You are both learning. I'm sure you will be criticising something he does soon enough. I think you need to not be so sensitive

@HereIgoagainxx
Poor guy?! He's acting like a child!!

Yeah don't think OP will be launching a tirade of abuse at him. She is knackered. The baby threw up and before she could sort it he was being a shit to her.

@bun he probably feels he isn't allowed to express an opinion. The whole thing seems really ridiculous, probably brought on be stress, exhaustion and fear of not doing everything right.

No parent is perfect. It's about being able to take criticism as I'm sure the OP will be giving out to him over something and he will be expected to accept it.

From what he said, maybe the OP doesn't take criticism well and this is about not one little incident for him. Everyone talks about their partners with friends and family on done level I'm sure the OP has at some point as well.

and my whole family say it about me all the time
Yeah yeah - of course they do!?
Honestly, ignore this comment. He's being an arse.
Do you usually have a good relationship with your mum?
If so then call her and have a chat about everything.
And don't crack.
You are doing a great job and need some support. Not to be put down.
Write him a letter based on your OP so he knows how you feel.
Then take it from there.
He's insensitive and he needs to know this.

@HereIgoagainxx I think the most hurtful thing is saying to me that my family have been saying this behind my back. I would never ever speak to dh's mum about him in a negative way. Even if I did I would also not use this against him in an argument as it's just cruel and makes the person feel isolated and like everyone is against them.

I did message my mum and she sort of made a joke about it and said no one says that you're just good at making your point and u stand your ground with an lol at the end of the message. So they clearly have been discussing me in some way.

Tell him. Say ‘my baby had just thrown up and the first thing you did was blame me. Then you said that my whole family talk about me behind my back’

Alicia, I hear you.

He shouldn't have said it like that, but people say things when they argue. Do you think you take criticism well? It doesn't mean your family said it in a malicious way.

I'm really impatient sometimes and people know this about me. I am sure it's been said many times and laughed about, but it's not the worst thing in the world.

Talk to him, tell him how the comments made you feel. If he is generally a good partner he will get it. I just saw his reaction and comment as being protective of his baby, not a finger pointing exercise as you as a bad mother.

Discussing is a loaded word. For all you know, your DM could have been telling your DH to back off because you're good at standing your ground.
Don't let your DH put a wedge between you and your mum. Invite her over. Let her look after your baby whilst you grab a bath, go for a walk, have a nap.

Yes, I agree with what you're saying. Regarding taking criticism I think criticism can only be taken well if it's given well. My husband has a great knack of pointing out what I'm doing wrong at exactly the wrong times. E.g when I'm exhausted, when I'm already fearing myself that I'm not doing a good job, when I need a pat on the back for going through so much physical and emotional trauma to bring this baby to him 🙈
I'm happy to admit I'm wrong if he does it in a constructive and sensitive way. But I really don't think my baby puked up her whole bottle because I sat her up the wrong way

@HereIgoagainxx
Regardless of wether or not the OP 'takes criticism well' I really don't think she needs this type of comment 8 weeks in when she is doing all of the night feeds and is obviously shattered. He needs to bite his tongue and not criticise so readily. Pot kettle springs to mind.

It was a comment, one comment that came out quickly. I imagine many other parents have reacted similarly with a new baby.

It's very difficult and tiring when you have a new baby. I was back at full time work before 8 weeks (we both worked full time) but I was fully breastfeeding at night and in before and after work and expressing at work so we did not share night feeds. As you are bottle feeding he could probably do half of those which might make you both less tired.

Ok this is a difficult one. Because the reality is that you’re both new to parenting, and you’re both still learning,and you will both have opinions on the way things should and shouldn’t be done and the impacts of doing those things. And sometimes those thoughts will manifest in words and even in criticisms which may or may not be accurate. And truth is that a new baby throwing up a whole bottle is quite a spectacular sight to witness in one go and it can be hard not to express an opinion if it’s a first time seeing it happen iyswim.

It’s possible that your husband did think that you sat the baby up too quickly, it doesn’t mean you did, or maybe you did, he expressed an opinion and because you’re both still learning you were sensitive to it because no-one wants to be told that they’re doing it wrong, even if they are. And if they’re not no-one wants to think that someone else thinks they’re doing it wrong.

But there will be instances when he does things you disagree with and again, you may or may not be wrong in those instances, but it doesn’t mean you won’t think it, or even say it on occasions.

If you’re generally sensitive to criticism then now is the time it’s going to manifest itself. If you’re generally both sleep deprived, then words have a far greater impact than when you’re both awake and thinking straight in the broad light of day.

But the only way round this is to both talk to each other. Eight weeks in is a difficult time. It’s past the stage of just just newborn but still at the getting used to things stage, and if you’ve both had weeks of broken sleep and your routines have both changed then you’re both going to be sensitive.

Talk to one another. It’s the only way. And years later you’ll look back at this and laugh, trust me.

I did message my mum and she sort of made a joke about it and said no one says that you're just good at making your point and u stand your ground with an lol at the end of the message. So they clearly have been discussing me in some way.

I don't think that means they've clearly been discussing you in some way. That's the sleep deprivation talking. It's your husband being a dickbag.

Bear in mind his 'your family say this about you' comment might just refer to comments they've made to you in his presence in jest - like if you'd been defending your opinion of I'm A Celebrity or something & your mum had said 'I'll say this for you love, you stand your ground when you think you're right, you don't give up even when everyone else is telling you it's crap tv!'
It does NOT mean he's been having conversations with them about you behind your back. Unless your family are shits then that's not happening.

Babies chuck up . It's not dependent on position or the speed with which you sit them up . Dick . Just ignore and carry on but do point out what you've been through and ask him to do some feeds . Newborns can be tiring but it will all pass .

You need to break the silence and agree how to work shit out.

We had a very similar argument when DD was a few weeks old. I was doing all night feeds, and obviously all day feeds, she didn’t sleep at all and I lived 100 miles from my Mum and all my friends. Fortunately I was bottle feeding, so I told him if he could do better he was welcome, and here was his daughter. Grabbed my bag and walked out. I only went as far as the local Waterstones coffee shop, and I sat in there and cried for hours. By the time I got back he realised it wasn’t as easy as he thought, and he was a massive dick.

Don’t try and do everything on your own, make him do more so he realises it’s not as simple as he thinks. Get your Mum over, let her do some care too and get a hot bath and some sleep, between them they can help. You’re exhausted, and everything seems 100 times worse when you are sleep deprived.

for you OP.