Having a stand off with hubby - who should crack first!

[Alicia870]

Last night I had a bit of a tiff with my husband. We just had our first baby 8 weeks ago. Basically it arose because baby threw up her bottle (poor little babs - she is fine btw) and straight away he said 'it's because you sat her up too quick'. I hadn't even had a chance to even process what she'd done he had said it that quick.
I'm so tired, sleep deprived, emotional, hormonal that it just frustrates me that he comes home from work and seems to always critique what I'm doing. I'm the one doing night feeds and the one who has been through a really rough pregnancy, birth and recovery. When I sort of rolled my eyes at him he launched into this tirade about how I never take criticism and my whole family say it about me all the time

I found this really hurtful as it not only made me feel crap about myself but also isolated and that the people I love the most are talking about me behind my back. I'm trying to adjust to life as a new mum, recovering from a really rough labour and delivery, and I feel like the last thing I need is criticism. We haven't spoken since. He spent the night in spare room and has now gone in there again for the night. I feel really low and have spent all day sitting in the house with no interaction with anyone and haven't even spoken to my mum as I feel betrayed that she and my husband have been talking about me in a negative way. Am I going mad- I am really tired with the new baby but can't help feeling he should reach out to me and apologise?

" He's not an arsehole "

Well he kind of is tbh.

Instead of helping you, he sticks the boot in.

What sort of things do people criticise you about?

I would text him something along the lines of Palliser's last paragraph. It's kind of an olive branch, but one that should make him think. You might be not very good at accepting criticism (I'm not, I get very hurt by it) but it doesn't justify him storming off to the spare room and sulking for 24 hours, leaving you to deal with baby feeling lonely and upset. If he still persists this evening I'd pop baby in with him for the night and have a good sleep.

Ok he has text me after i text this morning - obviously we will chat about this later but for now, what would be the best response to this message:
This is what really annoys me and why I haven’t apologised it’s that u can’t see where u can be wrong or say that maybe it was the way u did that and u just can’t see things from ani other perspective then u fly off the handle by saying that I can’t ever praise u or say anything nice and I do then u expect me to apologise when we both made this into something it shouldn’t have been. U only see things ur way and most of the time I brush it aside but it went a step to far the other night. I’m sorry it happened but I’m not fully at fault here . And that is what really annoys me

Can I just add I don't necessarily feel he does praise me- he definitely picks up on what I'm doing wrong and he clearly thinks it was my fault she threw up cos of how I sat her up! Ugh this is petty I know but how can I get my point across?

I think you both need to own the fact neither of you are perfect. He feels how he feels, as do you.

He didn't lash out over one comment, it is a build-up of him feeling you can't be told anything. I'm not saying that is true, but it is how he perceives you, and that would annoy most people. We all know how annoying know-alls are.

You are meant to be a team, with the same goal: to love and raise your baby the best way you can. I think you both want that.

Talk tonight, but make a pact at the outset to LISTEN to each other, not dismiss how each other is feeling.

I agree with previous posters in that his initial comment you'd get over, it's what came after and the sulking is whats really bad. If I were you i would speak first, I would tell him I wanted to talk about what happened and tell him why you're upset and how you're feeling

Hi Alice

I don’t normally comment on these things and generally am just a reader but I felt the need to respond to your post as I am on mat leave and my bubs is nearing 12 weeks. I had an emergency section and a frightening and rough time. Our OH need to be supportive and not judgemental, it’s hard work and there is no right or wrong way. You can only do your best.

Babies do throw back up their bottles and mine did it twice in the first few weeks. It happens. He needs to be more supportive and start helping out, whether he is at work or not. Yes you are home all day but it is lonely and tiring. Especially when you are up during the night also. I am in this situation currently. At the moment I am sat on our bed trying to get bubs off to sleep, she’s tired but not giving in. Replaced dummy several times after she has spat it out.

Put your foot down with him and make him start to respect you. You deserve nothing less after everything you have been through. He needs to help and not criticise and stop being a selfish pillock.

How about if he had said that "perhaps" you had sat the baby up too quickly?

Would you have felt able to discuss it or still taken it as a criticism?

Does he/your family really criticise you a lot or is that your take on it?

My son is 18 now but he was our only child and he was in NICU six long weeks and me in the hospital over twelve days and he came home on oxygen so I was a mess physically and emotionally but my hubby never critiqued me-the only thing I can recall is him saying "Let me show you how the nurses changed diapers in the NICU" and it as hilarious as I'd babysat as a teen and volunteered in church nursery for years but he actually thought he was giving me a tip. Had my DH blamed me for my kid vomiting I'd have been pissed and if he told me family had been discussing me I'd have gone nuclear on him. That text hardly seems apologetic but that's only my opinion. I could post a whole new thread cause years later my husband's family had discussed me one time when I was at work! Good luck OP!

How often does your husband feed the baby (or bath or change the baby?)
Why doesn't he do night feeds some of the time - at least at weekends?

My DH was quite similar to this when our DD was born (his 1st, my 3rd). He ALWAYS seemed to be telling me what to do and how to do things and passing comment about how I was doing things wrong. In the end I snapped and said "do you realise that you're always telling me what to do, who made you the expert?"

I would confront what he said head on face to face

Oh man, I've been there... My husband made a comment about me not using a piece pf equipment properly and putting our baby's health at risk when she was a few weeks old, i honestly wanted to kick him out there and then. I felt so utterly resentful and that's with both of us sharing the load 50/50. Anyway you can get rest, do. Sleep deprivation is awful and will make you much more sensitive to things. Share nights if you're bottle feeding, anything to have a bit of a break. You'll find you'll be able to communicate much better. Worth having a health visitor over and chat with her in with your husband present to make him understand better how much harder this period is for you as the mother. Best of luck!

Thanks everyone. We've had some texts back and forth(totally immature I know- but sometimes it's not a bad thing being able to write things down). I've expressed where I'm coming from and he seems to have come round a bit. He said that he didn't think it was such a big deal but did think it was because I sat her up too quick or something and said that he feels if he didn't say anything he'd be a bad dad. I told him to pick his moments and that was completely the wrong time and it had no positive effect at all. He said my mum had mentioned something to him years ago after we'd had an argument and accepted he had just brought it up to get his point across.

I still feel that he struggles to see why he has upset me. I've tried my best to explain it but he still seems to think it's completely fine to call me out for things. I agree I'll take the flack if I'm wrong but I'm not gonna take it after a full day of babysitting with no sleep and already feeling like poop.but we just have to move on from it now. Thanks for your help

I think, for now, you should both try to smooth this over, you've heard each others' viewpoint now and (hopefully) both have stuff to think over. For the future, every time he criticises without thinking I would hand baby over with a cheery 'thanks DH, glad you know what to do' and leave him to it. Easy to criticise when you're not the one having to do it day (and night) in day out so he needs to experience it himself.

You shouldn’t need to take criticism well- he should be supporting you, not criticising you!

Does he spend a lot of time alone with her? A lot of 1st time parents are anxious, saying after their 2nd (+) that they chill out a bit about everything being perfect, etc.
I imagine if you're doing the majority of grunt work then he might be a little bit under exposed and very OTT worried about every thing (like sicking up). I wonder if him doing more time alone - feeding nappies nights etc might force him to see that things can't always be to BOTH of your standards. You'll do things different and disagree and he needs to learn that if he thinks something isn't optimal he should save his comments for when things seem more pertinent. I'm sure if you commented every time you thought he wasn't quite holding her right, etc, his self esteem would be eroded. Anyone's would.

Surely it's easy, if he believes you don't take criticism well why is he critical of you? Nice, kind people don't generally do stuff they know will be upsetting to others. Or if they do they usually apologise and try yo make it better.

It's not you, he's being a dick.

If your saw him do something that you thought was making your baby sick, would you be able to bite your tongue in the moment? I doubt I would. I'd probably just say, slow down, be careful, mind her head....

I think his concern at that moment in time was first and foremost for his baby who had just thrown up. And rightly so. He's new to this too. I think you both need to give each other a break.