My partner has left me at 12 weeks pregnant

[Jasmine01]

Please can someone help me with advice?
My partner has just left me at 12 weeks pregnant (first scan due next week). We have been together almost 3 years. He has 2 kids from previous. One who is 9yr old girl and he says that she is missing him desperately as she lives with her mum.
He works 2 jobs to support his other kids plus my daughter age 8.
He's decided that he needs to be there for his daughter and can't be with me at the same time as it will cause arguments due to lack of seeing each other.
I'm totally heartbroken that he's chosen to leave me while pregnant to be with his daughter who he reckons is depressed due to lack of seeing him. He doesn't see that he is destroying me and walking out on this unborn baby. It's like he just doesn't care anymore. It was his suggestion to have this baby too.
I just don't know what to do as I don't want to go through this pregnancy on my own nor do I want to have to go through sleepless nights with a newnorn etc. I just don't know how I can do it with 2 jobs myself and a 8yr old daughter.
Can anyone offer any reassuring advice please? 😢

First thing to consider is whether you want to continue with the pregnancy. If you are seriously considering a termination, then contact a provider so you can get information and access to counselling if needed (which will be free and timely) in order to help make you that decision.

If you are not considering a termination, then you need to start making some practical plans for going it alone as even if he comes back you 1. May not want him back (!) And 2. Will never be able to rely on him.

I'm sorry he let you down I work in an area where I unfortunately hear this a lot. It so shitty that men can waltz away like this. Although he presumably did the same to the last DC if he wasn't seeing her much (so lives far away?).

Thanks for such a fast reply! I've just not stop crying for days.
He was about an hour's bus journey from his daughter but he has been working 2 jobs.. One of which he doesn't get home until 8pm mon-fri. So he was seeing her every second weekend. Some of which we would have her here for the weekend. But he says that's not enough for her and that recently she's been crying for him all the time. I suggested that he quit his second Job and see her more often, but he says that's not enough and we'll argue due to lack of commitment to me. So he feels like his only choice is to break up with me and be there fully for his daughter. I just don't understand how he can do this to an unborn baby? I've told him that if he is walking out on me and this baby before it's even had a chance in this world then he isn't fit or worth being a father to it.
I've also told him I want nothing to do with him.
I'm so confused about if I want this baby or not ☹️

OP - you do know it’s just an excuse, right?...
He didn’t leave because of his daughter.
It’s the responsibility and commitment he is running away from.
His other children - are they with same of different mothers, I wonder.

Anyway. It didn’t seem that it was your desire to have this baby. And you were having it to please him or tie him to you.
If he wanted a family - he’d first suggest getting married, giving you/baby financial security and then having a baby...
As it is - you are on your own.

You still have some time to think about being a single parent to your existing kid and new baby.
Don’t chose based on a fantasy of him coming back.
He isn’t

This bloke's a piece of shit. Think hard and long about whether you want this baby, as I'd be surprised if your Ex comes back and/or steps up as a dad.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's incredibly unfair.

How old are you both? I ask because I used to know a man who, by the time I'd met him, was in his early 30s and had 5 DC from 5 mothers. Some men get a kick out of impregnating women and then shortly afterwards leaving them to get on with it.

Are you sure he's doing two jobs purely to support his DC? Because he's just ditched you after encouraging you to get pregnant and I assume he's not planning to take on extra hours to support the baby he's having with you.

We planned this baby for a while. Talked about getting married in the future. Planned to move house in January to accommodate the new baby. As I said it was him that pushed for this baby. I always wanted another baby. But I never wanted it like this.
I don't want him back! He disgusts me at what he's done to me.
He's offered to support me financially when the baby comes, but with me in such a rage at what he's done to me, I've told him I want nothing from him. I don't want to ever hear from him again.
Hopefully in a few days my mind will be clearer to make a decision.
Thanks for your advice

Prawnofthepatriarchy thanks for your reply.
I am 33 and he is 38. He has a 9yr old daughter and a 18 yr old son to same woman. He was with the mother of his children for 16 years.
I know he's not in love with her anymore. He's proved that to me over the 3 years he's been with me. He's worked 2 jobs for 2 years he's been with me as we both have to split rent, bills etc and he has to support his other 2 kids.
When this all exploded the other day he told me that he just doesn't want to be here (in this house with me) and not happy and hasn't been for around 6 weeks but he says its due to his daughter missing him so much and making him sad/upset about it. And that he needs to be there for his depressed daughter. I get that he needs to be there for his daughter in which he's been there for 9 years but what about this child that is coming soon and needs a father??! I also quizzed him about if he even still loves me? He's adamant he is but he says he needs to sacrifice his happiness for his daughters , which in my eyes of a loaf of bs!!!

Thanks for the update, Jasmine01. So at least he's not a serial offender.

It's all very mysterious. I don't believe this tale about his DD (why now, FFS?) and you don't either. It's totally illogical. And implausible.

Any chance there's an OW? Because as this baby was his idea I can't imagine he's freaking out over that. Might the OW be his Ex? Spot of rekindling going on perhaps, and he's going to move back in with her? And will excuse it by claiming it's for the sake of his DD.

I can quite understand why you told him you want nothing more to do with him, including CM. However, fortunately, you can always change your mind. Surely paying CMS is the least he can do?

Regardless of why his running away from you/unborn baby. I wonder even bother pondering over the whys. But yes if it is because of his existing daughter then yes she is more important than a baby that is not actually a living human being once he/she arrives he should treat them both with love and care though.

He walked out on a child already him walking in on yours is not a huge surprise and in fact is him treating them the same in the sense that neither have a “proper” family unit.

Yes it does feel mysterious to me too as he's always been a very loving, cuddly, kissy type of guy right up to the other day when this happened. Even the day before you wouldn't have thought anything was wrong.
I know there is definitely no other woman. He's never cagey with his phone, or acted any different around me. He's been fairly busy with work as I mentioned and fitting in family time with us and seeing his other kids. He's always open about what he's done during the day as am I. Just like a normal open daily conversation. I've never sensed any shiftiness.
I'm pretty positive the there is no love or attraction the between him and his ex. Hes talked about her to me in a way that you can tell he is almost repulsed by her now and that he was ever with her.

I've told him I want nothing to do with him as he's made this choice to walk out on this poor baby before it's even born. If he can do that, he's not worth being a father.
If I did allow him be there, then when's the next time he decides to just drop the father role because his other child needs him again?
It's not the way parenting works.

Chillpizza your absolutely right!

I was about to make the same suggestion, Handsoffmysweets.

Because there's something going on and that would make sense.

He only goes there once every 2 weeks because he works 2 jobs mon-fri and spends one weekend with me and my girl and the other weekend hell spend one night there with his other 2 kids.

Some weekends that he's meant to go over there, his daughter would come here and stay for 2 nights.
I can't imagine his 9yr old daughter (in which I'm close with) his son, and his ex all having this big secret about him and her behind my back?

I would know if he hadn't been going to work. I've picked him up from work a few times due to it hard for him to get a bus at times.

He's just never acted shifty.
Either way, he's left me and I'm on my own with not a clue what to do?
I don't even know whether to have this baby anymore

I don't want to do this on my own.

I have 2 jobs which I need to keep as I have car finance, loans, rent, bills , overdraft etc.

Oh and my 8yr daughter knows I'm pregnant and she's so excited about being a big sister, which makes this even harder 😖

You need to do what's best for you. If you have to, you can always tell your DD that you've miscarried. Not what anyone would want to do, but it might be for the best.

If you don’t feel you can have this baby on you’re own then don’t op, you don’t have to and you still have a choice. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s someone in the pipe line my ex slagged off his ex and turns out he was seeing her behind my back. His dd is an excuse.

Ask your midwife team for a councillor. You shouldn’t of told Dd so early though you are still in the danger zone.

Can you afford this baby is you have to work two jobs already thinking of mat leave?

You need to think of your existing child, how much harder would it be having a baby and you trying to juggle two jobs plus 8yr olds needs alone? Or do you have an amazing support system?

Only you can decide if you want to keep the baby or not.

He stays over at his XW's house every fortnight? That's not right, OP. I'm so sorry, I wouldn't want to have a baby with this man, he will make your life a misery as a non resident parent. The dramatic devoted dad act is bullshit. That precious about one child but walking away from another?

Does his daughter know you’re pregnant? If so, it’ll be hard for her to accept the idea of her half sibling having 100% access to her father whilst she sees him every other weekend. Your daughter, already has that privilege. So she would be feeling insecure. I don’t necessarily think that he’s using his daughter as an excuse. Not all shitty actions are motivated by bad intentions. He actually sounds as if he’s tried to be a good father to his kids and also to your girl . But he has reacted to this situation in an immature and selfish way. No doubt he will realise what a terrible thing he’s done to you and his unborn child.

Are you in London? I'm just trying to fathom how a man working 2 jobs can't afford a car. Unless his 2 jobs still dont add up to many hours. If he's only an hour by bus then surely if he just drove it would half the travel distance and he is probably not in miles from DD? There may be some explanation I have considered but seems odd and ill thought out.

I don't suppose knowing whether it's "true" or an excuse helps you, though. Either way you know he can't be trusted and relied upon and I'm glad you've recognised that.

I feel scared about you having the baby. If you did decide to terminate you can always tell your daughter you miscarried, plenty do that. Please don't think I'm encouraging you but just laying out the options. Why would you want a baby with a man who has walked out on you in the early stages of pregnancy. He's not reliable. You and your daughter are worth more. His story is seriously weird.

My daughter found out I was expecting because I had really bad morning sickness and extreme fatigue.

I have my mum who says she will support me in whatever I do but that's all I really have.

My daughter is so excited about being a big sister and she knows the danger in this early stages, one explained that to her as best you can to an 8 yr old.

I've never wanted her to grow up an only child.

I've raised my daughter on my own since she was 1 yr old as I spilt from her dad due to one account of domestic violence.
It only took from him to do it once and I ended it.

It's always been just me and her up until 3 yrs ago when me and him met.

I actually thought it might be slightly easier as she's at an age where she'll want to help out with baby duties.
It's the first year that will be the hardest I think not to mention the financial difficulties.

Unambitiousme that's exactly what I have said to him as his daughter does know I'm pregnant.

And I told him that she will be devastated that she now wont be in this baby's life as she once thought.

He says that I will never understand the pain he's going through at doing this to me or that I will understand his sacrifice.
But that he needs to do this for the happiness of his child .

Dirtybadger- I am in Glasgow and he doesn't know how to drive.. No license. He has no desire to learn to drive.
Yeh I have realised that I can't rely on him, I don't want him back..
But I do have a big decision to make and I just don't know what the right one is 😕

Bluerussian I have my first scan next week

I'm so scared that once I see the baby, I won't be able to emotionally be able to go through with an abortion.
But on the other hand I just don't want to go through this whole pregnancy on my own and after

At 8 I would think the novelty of a baby sibling would soon wear off in single parent household. As there is nobody to pick up the slack of her needs while your sleep deprived feeding/changing the baby.

It’s a bit like a puppy they promise to help are so excited but within a few weeks the reality sets in and it’s just the annoying thing in the house that yaps/barks needs toilet training etc.

Does your 8yr old have visitation with her dad? Otherwise you might find she gets jealous of the baby if baby goes offfor visits with dad but of a slap in the face that he left after so long but wants the baby and not her.