My partner has left me at 12 weeks pregnant

[Jasmine01]

Please can someone help me with advice?
My partner has just left me at 12 weeks pregnant (first scan due next week). We have been together almost 3 years. He has 2 kids from previous. One who is 9yr old girl and he says that she is missing him desperately as she lives with her mum.
He works 2 jobs to support his other kids plus my daughter age 8.
He's decided that he needs to be there for his daughter and can't be with me at the same time as it will cause arguments due to lack of seeing each other.
I'm totally heartbroken that he's chosen to leave me while pregnant to be with his daughter who he reckons is depressed due to lack of seeing him. He doesn't see that he is destroying me and walking out on this unborn baby. It's like he just doesn't care anymore. It was his suggestion to have this baby too.
I just don't know what to do as I don't want to go through this pregnancy on my own nor do I want to have to go through sleepless nights with a newnorn etc. I just don't know how I can do it with 2 jobs myself and a 8yr old daughter.
Can anyone offer any reassuring advice please? 😢

I believe BPAS have clinics in Scotland (Glasgow possibly) and they should offer counselling for women considering their options in pregnancy. I don't know the particulars of BPAS but similar provides offer free counselling and access is usually fast, and obviously quite specialised. In England your GP would likely refer you to a contractor like this as time is of the essence if you are truly ambivalent. I assume a similar situation in Scotland

chillpizza I totally hear you with the novelty wearing off.

She's never had a father figure until this ex I'm talking about now.
She started calling him daddy a few months ago.
But up until he came along it had always been just me and her.

If I do decide to do this, it will be me alone so no father will be coming in to see the baby so she won't feel like she's loved any less.

I do agree however that it will be tough with the sleepless nights, and exhaustion, me trying to work, get my daughter to school everyday (in which I need to drive her there) plus see to her needs as well as the baby's

Dirtybadger thanks for the info! 👍

You don’t get to decide that though. If he wants access he can get it you can’t stop him. He hasn’t done anything in the eyes of a court bad enough to deny a father and child relationship.

You need to be mentally prepared that he will fight for and would be awarded access including overnights eventually. Your daughter would then be in that very situation of baby goes off to daddies while she stays at home with mum after building such a relationship she started to call him dad.

His clearly committed to his children he already has so there is no reason to think he wouldn’t want to have this one in his life.

Something else to consider is how much harder it will make it for you to mpve on and find another, more successful, romantic relationship. It could potentially be three more years before you're in a position to consider dating. Don't know if that's a factor for you, but something to consider i think.

So sorry you'r in this position. He really wasn't thinking about you at all, was he x

Tough situation
What Dirty Badger said

(This happened to me but I was very far gone in the pregnancy. It has been hard work.)

Something else to consider is how much harder it will make it for you to mpve on and find another, more successful, romantic relationship. It could potentially be three more years before you're in a position to consider dating

I agree with this. ^

By ending the relationship, how much more time will he actually see his DD?

Only you know what is right for you.
You are a strong woman and which ever way you choose to move forward know that no one here wants anything more than for you to accept the best way forward.

Cryingeyesout- I know you probably wouldn't change the fact you have your baby now for the world, but had you been only 12 weeks pregnant like me, do you think you would have decided to keep the baby?

I haven't really got much time to decide as I fear once I see that baby at the ultrasound next week, I'm emotionally unable to go through with an abortion

You do need to consider that if you continue with the pregnancy, unfortunately you aren't going to have a choice about contact. He can go to court do get it. That does complicate things for you somewhat, but there are pros and cons to him wanting contact (providing you with alone time with DD, respite, but also of course may have a detrimental effect on your DD if he did want a relationship but only with his biological child despite the bond he had formed with DD).

Unfortunately he could go either way. Demanding involvement (fair enough) or refusing to have anything to do with it all. It's tough when there are so many unknowns.

Dirtybadger yes you are 100% right.

Right now he is very apologetic and remorseful for what he's done but also adamant that he's sticking to his guns and being there for his daughter.

He said I would like to offer you some financial stability when the baby comes but I know you'll probably refuse. In which I said yes your right, I don't want anything .

He knows my scan is next week and I've told him I'm going on my own in which he's not demanded he comes too.

When I told I don't think this baby deserves you as a dad and I can do it on my own, he said your right, the baby doesn't and I know you'll make an amazing job raising this baby yourself!

But when all this isn't so raw and if I decide to keep the baby, his views and attitude could change

What a tough situation
I don't know what I would do, but you sound a lovely thoughtful person and I'm sure you'll make the right decision (and whatever that decision is you will make the best of it)

I think in your situation I would have an abortion. No way would I want to be tied to such an arsehole of a man for the rest of my life.

What an arsehole. To be honest he sounds glad you are willing to do it on your own, doesn't currently sound like he has any intentions to step up! Shocking.
I do think it sometimes makes things less complicated as you know where you are with yourself and no one else to rely on or compromise with. But it's still a totally butthole attitude. Especially as you say he claims he felt like this for a while and yet he let the pregnancy progress without mentioning it, told the kids, etc.

Tbh whatever you do the less he is around the better. Prepare for the worst (whether the worst is him never being any help, or years of him trying to get custody and what no) and hope for the best (whatever the looks like for you) I suppose.

Have he asked to be kept informed or has he totally checked out?

You could get a doula
doula.org.uk

Jasmine, you don't have much time to make your mind up. You don't have to have a scan! No-one can make the decision for you though.

That man is an absolute arse and the cock and bull story he has given you is quite ridiculous. He just doesn't want the responsibility of another child.

Think of yourself and the child you already have -and the future.

OP you poor thing and what a wretched thing your ex sounds. I do think you need to really think about your options, my ex walked out on me during my pregnancy and I was so frightened of how I would cope. I’m not trying to convince you either way but will tell you that even as a first time mum not really knowing what the hell I was doing I’ve been fine, no actually I’ve been more than fine, I’ve been great and my little girl is literally the best thing that ever happened to me.

During my pregnancy I dated someone else and have done since my baby was born but realised the relationship wasn’t right for a myriad of reasons so we’ve agreed to be friends and he has agreed to help me with my transition to a new a city. I’m now doing it alone and I’m finding it fine. It’s hard some days and easy others. The hardest thing isn’t parenting but missing my ex, my daughter looks just like him and it is hard knowing he’s moving on without us but it’s getting easier and I’m throwing myself into life and have even started dating!

I slept with my ex throughout my entire pregnancy , this was really damaging for me so I’d recommend a clean break.

Understandably, you sound very frightened for your future.
Just my opinion but I don't think you're thinking straight, your head is all over the place, it would be because you have unanswered questions - why? why now? Is this really happening? etc. etc. Your mind is trying to fill in the blanks.
You're hurt. You're outraged. You're scared.
Now you need to give yourself a break and let the dust settle. Give yourself time to adjust to the shock of being left. Stop obsessing over the why questions. Don't cling to any thoughts that are not in line with you surviving all this and turning it all into a positive because you can do this. You are a victim right now but you can move off that state if you fill your mind with the positives of having a baby.
He is no good to you if he can't maintain the relationship and cope with his Daughter. A 9 year old depressed is indeed a big concern. He sounds as if he feels guilty about his part in messing her up emotionally. Cut him a little bit of slack for feeling like this. He has been wrestling with it for some time in my humble opinion. Nobody is all bad. In the future you may see things differently and feel less disgusted.
Onto the situation with you. His departure is devastating but you're either going to let it crush you and your future is doomed or you're going to give yourself time to come to terms with it and reassure yourself that you can overcome the challenges you face. It's not as if you're a stranger to being a single parent. You know the ropes. You feel down right now (who wouldn't?!) and you're not seeing your strengths you're just feeling your weaknesses I expect. You are going to have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again. You've had your hopes dashed. That comfortable together-ness and cosy family set up was not to be. He has shattered the dream, vision, hope. But you still have a future and none of us know what is around the corner. Life is still worth living and it's not as if you're never going to smile or laugh again.. Your children alone can cause you to smile and be thankful for all that you have.
The baby will bring joy with it. Yes it's hard work but the sleepless nights don't last forever, there's always light at the end of the tunnel. You made a choice when you got pregnant and didn't terminate immediately. You wanted this child and I think you still do. If you have an abortion now you could deeply regret it and hold it against him and become embittered.

However, you couldn't be blamed if you decided that you cannot go ahead with the pregnancy and terminated but it seems a bit late for this.
You need to let your thoughts wash over you and don't cling onto anything negative. Try to remain calm and optimistic. Think of others in a far worse situation than yourself, I know this may sound harsh but imagine if he had suddenly turned out to be a sadistic, violent partner and you ended up in a refuge - this would be worse don't you think?
Forget theories about his ex or any other woman - he is no good to you so any woman he might get involved with in the future is going to need all the luck she can get as he is just pathetic in a way. But he has his reasons and behind the things he said he has his meanings which make the best sense to him, he has a right to take whatever action he thinks is best for him given his concerns and inner feelings and thoughts.
It's hard for you, I can hear the anguish in your words but you have to carry on in life and make a purse out of a pig's ear as we all do sometimes. You can do it and atleast you have the offer of help from your Mother which is good of her and shows you really are not alone even though you probably feel as if you are right now.
Calm yourself and console yourself. Look for the beauty in life and take good care of yourself because your Daughter doesn't deserve a miserable Mother and needs stability through this troubled time.
Immerse yourself in a good book and avoid riding the emotional roller coaster. Just my humble advice.

It sounds like there is someone else somewhere. He could be seeing someone when supposed to be doing all this other busy stuff.

I think this guy is gaslighting you - he is suggesting he knows how strong you’ll be & he wanted to help but of course he understands you won’t allow it. Child support doesn’t work that way. If you have the baby of course he is going to have to legally support it. He is fooling you into believing a strong woman wouldn’t take money from a father to help raise a child & how brave you are to go it alone. That’s just plain manipulative.

Whatever you decide, personally have had one so if you do, would recommend not doing the scan if you can...

Your daughter should be able to enjoy a future sibling without being expected to help care & raise them too. I think though it must be possible for you, should you want to, go set your life up so she won’t have to be expected to. Do you know how much money you would get from him monthly in child support, plus benefits you may be entitled to legally as a single parent ?

Knowledge is power, so start researching all your options & think your heart will guide you in the right direction xo

He is fooling you into believing a strong woman wouldn’t take money from a father to help raise a child & how brave you are to go it alone. That’s just plain manipulative.

I was thinking this as well. He's running away, not wanting to pay any money abbr making you think it's your idea. What a dipshit!

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented on my post! I really appreciate the people that took the time and effort to console me and offer their opinions and support. it has helped me so much!!... Much love 😘❤️

Bless you. Take care OP. You will get through this

OP please don’t let him get away with not making a financial contribution towards his child. It’s bad enough that he has coerced you into another baby & has now run away from any responsibility, using his daughter as an excuse. He is a pathetic excuse for a man.

OP life is the pits sometimes. I'm not sure doing this for his daughter is the whole story...What if he'd got married or his ex had? Surely it wouldn't have been so easy to go waltzing back..There are so many options surely, but he's picked the one that involves leaving you. Please look after yourself whatever you decide to do, and don't let him decide to come back if he tries that one.