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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner is useless!

38 replies

Kylieemilyj · 27/11/2018 13:00

We've recently moved into a bigger nicer house and found out we are expecting our first child, he has been excellent in terms of support for me when I've felt like shit. He goes through phases where he treats me like a princess and buys stuff for me but he just doesn't do anything around the house. For some reason during my pregnancy I cannot stand the smell of our kitchen and therefore have asked him if he can do the washing up and cleaning and most of the cooking, he agreed. Yet hardly does the washing up (it just gets left as I'm struggling so much), washing sits in the machine for ages until I take it out and sort it, he just leaves rubbish everywhere in the living room and basically lives on takeaways because he apparently can't cook. I've offered to help with the cooking especially now I'm better but still nothing. I went into the cupboard to find out of date mouldy food which the smell made me throw up (he promised he'd sort it out but I'm still waiting) and he never goes shopping (except if it means he can have his snacks) and just leaves his dirty clothes all over the house but if I wash I get told not to touch his stuff. he works long hours, whereas I've cut my hours back recently because I'm so worn out with the pregnancy and keeps telling me he will help out tomorrow or on his next day off but spends all day either on his Xbox or asleep. I fear he's going to be like this when the baby is here and I'm gonna have to do everything (which I admit I have let get bad again because I'm worn out) and look after baby. My family have been really good and have come round and helped us unpacked and tidy the house once because I could barely move off the sofa during my first trimester.

Sorry it's long I needed a rant... I just don't know what to do anymore

OP posts:
userxx · 27/11/2018 13:04

Was he rubbish with household chores in the old house?

Kylieemilyj · 27/11/2018 13:12

Yeah he was but he promised he'd change. He's a few years older than me and has lived alone before so I'd hoped he be better at the whole moving out thing but it seems not...:/

OP posts:
userxx · 27/11/2018 13:17

That's your problem right there, you listened to words instead of seeing actions. Not sure how you can get him to change his ways. Did he live alone before you lived with him?

RyderWhiteSwan · 27/11/2018 13:19

I doubt he'll change. He's one of those who think women are there to pick up after him and do all the shitwork. This will worsen when you have the baby, as you recognise. You'll have a baby and a manchild to look after.

Kylieemilyj · 27/11/2018 13:20

He lived away at uni and then alone for a while, moved home with his mother and then we moved in together. His room at his mothers was the same. I know it's my own fault really :/ I don't want to bring a child into a house like this. He told me it was because the previous house was crap he didn't put any effort in to it and it would all change... I see now it's not the case

OP posts:
Calzone · 27/11/2018 13:24

i would stop doing anything for him.

Do your own washing and shopping etc.

Don’t even go into the living room if it’s a tip. Go upstairs to read or watch tv.

He needs to sort himself out before the baby arrives because it’s really hard work 🙈🙈 and you will need help.

userxx · 27/11/2018 13:26

My friends boyfriend said exactly the same, the house was being done up and it was a building site so it didn't matter if he didn't tidy - 20 years later she's still running around after him!!

sachron · 27/11/2018 13:27

I could have written this!!! Pregnant and exhausted and our house is slipping because of it. All he does is drink beer and play the PlayStation.
It's strange because he used to be super around the house, but now he doesn't even take his plate in the kitchen 😩

Kylieemilyj · 27/11/2018 13:29

I wish I could avoid the living room but you have to walk through it to get anywhere and my family visit a lot and would just complain about the mess. If I don't do it he just leaves the clothes and buys more.. I'm so tempting to move home to my mums (which will be so hard but at least I'll get help from her) because it's really getting me down

OP posts:
sachron · 27/11/2018 13:30

@Kylieemilyj what does he say when you mention it?
My partner tells me I'm being a nag and he
should be able to do what he wants. But our house is becoming an embarrassment

Kylieemilyj · 27/11/2018 13:33

He just says oh it's my house too if I want to live like this I can or oh I'll help out. He basically told me the other day that my mum is interfering because she's been doing washing for me so I can catch up (we had no washing machine for about a month...) honestly men are such pains in the ass

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2018 14:05

Re your "honestly men are such pains in the ass" comment I would state that not all men by any means are as slovenly as your H is. YOUR man is a pain in the ass. This is really who he is; he regards the kitchen and washing as womens work and therefore beneath him. He sounds like a kidult rather than an actual man.

What do you get out of this relationship now; would you want your child growing up thinking that the woman does everything at home whilst the man does not?.

I would go back to your mother's asap and live there. Whilst you are there I would also consider the long term future of your relationship because there may well not be one with him.

TeeBee · 27/11/2018 14:09

Just get a big black bin bag and put it in the corner of the room. Anything he leaves out gets dropped into it...clothes, manky food, rubbish, stuff that hasn't been washed, games. Let him sort through his shit himself. Just keep doing it. That's what I used to do with mine. In the end though, it was just much easier to get rid of him. My workload halved over night.

LastOneDancing · 27/11/2018 14:11

This is not typical male behaviour and saying it is gives him an excuse to behave like the lazy arse he is.

If you have a boy, please don't fill his head with that kind of rubbish.

SoyDora · 27/11/2018 14:16

honestly men are such pains in the ass

No, yours is. I’m 35 weeks pregnant and had severe sickness for the first 20 weeks. We also have 2 other DC. I couldn’t stand the smell of food, or the dishwasher, or anything really. It made me sick. So he did basically everything while I couldnt. If he wasn’t going to be back in time for dinner then he left oortions in the freezer that I could microwave for the DC. He works long hours and I’m a SAHM.
But then he pulled his weight from the moment we moved in together. Not sure we’d have lasted long otherwise!
I’m not really sure what you can do, unless he’s willing to change (and he’s not) he’s just going to call you a ‘nag’ and continue to expect you to pick up after him.

KatharinaRosalie · 27/11/2018 14:17

You've explained how it affects you, he clearly does not give a damn. He promised to change, he has not.
What to do - yes, move home to your mums. Babies are hard work and it will be much harder if you need to run after a big baby as well.

By the way, all men are not like that, so next time believe what you see and not what excuses they give you.

Cornishclio · 27/11/2018 14:28

I think if he cannot be bothered to help out when you are pregnant he will be even worse when a baby arrives and you have more to do plus broken nights meaning you will be tired. I won't tolerate a dirty, untidy house and my DH is not as slovenly as yours but does not seem to notice stuff lying around. He has a small hobby room in one of our bedrooms and I put all his rubbish in there until it gets so cluttered he has to sort it. That means the rest of the house is tidy. Could you do that?

I would shame your DH when yours or his family come by saying he does nothing to help but be prepared for him not to change so you may want to rethink your future with him. If he gripes when your family help tell him to stop being such a slob then they won't need to help. Divide the chores into daily quick ones so it does not become overwhelming. Spend 15 or 30 minutes or so just washing up, putting stuff in washing machine or running hoover round/cleaning bathroom or kitchen. Cook easy meals or batch cook in a slow cooker.

Kylieemilyj · 27/11/2018 14:44

Thank you for all the responses. Was just sorting some washing and snapped because he led there watching (he does have to get up for work in a minute so I do kind of get he wants to rest before a long shift. I screamed at him and cried and he once again promised to do some stuff on Thursday when he next has a day off. we have booked a quick get away to see our close friends (who we have also asked to be god parents-we love them that much) next week so I'm going to speak to them about talking to him about it all and see if they can get through to him- they managed last time he was getting snappy and upset about stupid things (he had family issues at the time too) if not see if the threat of me moving back home will work then move if still nothing changes. It's gonna be a lot of work to move home and a massive pain for everyone but it might wake him up and be best for baby to not live in a dirty hell hole

I really love the bin bag idea btw @teebee it's so tempting but he would just throw it all out and replace it for it all to be done again in a circle.
Once the house is completely unpacked (still loads of clothes, apparently I seemed to have created more since moving, I don't understand how 3 rails and 2 units for clothes and I still have more to unpack... yet never anything to wear?!?) and he has his study I'm tempted to dumb all the crap in his little games room (I'm still bitter that he gets his study and my walk in wardrobe had to be given up for baby but that's a separate issue..

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 27/11/2018 14:48

I married in the 1970s. Husband cooked and cleaned the same amount I did, and parented equally.

Live in partner in the 1980s. Same.

It's now 2018 - so sad to see young women living with selfish, lazy, entitled arseholes in the 21st century.

RyderWhiteSwan · 27/11/2018 14:52

and he has his study I'm tempted to dumb all the crap in his little games room (I'm still bitter that he gets his study and my walk in wardrobe had to be given up for baby but that's a separate issue..

^ Fuck that! he needs to GROW UP. 'Study' my arse.

Calzone · 27/11/2018 14:52

I wouldn’t involve other people.

I would tell him he had one more chance or you are going to your mums.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 27/11/2018 15:01

If he didn’t tidy Thursday I’d be spending the weekend at your parents while explaining to friends

Kylieemilyj · 27/11/2018 15:11

If only I could. I promised these friends months ago we'd go see their new house, and I've just paid £245 for the train tickets. I'm just hoping his 'big bro' can sort him out, if not back home for me. @labradoodliedoo
Usually after we argue he does do what I ask him to do for a day or so. Maybe the fact I nearly put me and baby at risk then tidying up for him (he wasn't to blame I got frustrated with the unit and it nearly fell on me) may wake him up because he doesn't want anything to happen to us he said.. fingers crossed anyway..

OP posts:
Catsick36 · 27/11/2018 15:23

Get a cleaner. He can pay for it. Or spend your life nagging being frustrated or cleaning up after him.
His old place was probably a shitpit because of him.

KatharinaRosalie · 27/11/2018 15:28

Cleaner won't help much if one person is a slob and thinks it's his pregnant wife's job to pick up after him. You would need a full time live in housekeeper..