OLD: is it normal that I "never" fancy anyone?

[Sonjing]

Just got home from the last of a long string of unsuccessful OLD dates. The guys was not bad looking and relatively nice, but I just didn't fancy him.

This has to be my 15th date in 3 months. I did not fancy ONE of the men I met. Literally not even one. I sometimes have a nice conversation with them and I generally think they are nice people, but I don't fee any spark, so I decline to go out for a second date.

I am starting to think this is not normal. How come I never like anyone? Is there something wrong with me? Should I push myself to go on second or third dates, even though I am not feeling it?

Hmmm..I wouldn't go out again with someone I found really unattractive but I didn't fancy my husband until the 3rd date!

Same here. Not the ones who'd consider me anyway.
40 dates.
Stopped this nonsense now.

What's your previous relationship history- do you think you may be subconciously going for repeating a type that has caused trouble before so you feel aversion, or actively going against your type and not allowing yourself to feel something? If they seem like good people,try second/third dates and see what happens.Just don't pretend to feel anything that you don't. Good luck!

I would find it really difficult to fancy someone in a set-up situation... I’m one of those people that often doesn’t fancy someone straight away and the realisation can suddenly spring itself upon me when I’m least expecting it!
So I just don’t think I’d meet anyone via OLD. Perhaps you have a similar pattern to me op in that you like to observe people quietly before making your mind up 🤔

Try a 2nd date? Women? Go for someone a bit different?

Do you fancy other people without getting to know them well? For example ever meet someone at work or see someone out in the street or a celeb type person? I've never really fancied a man on a first date before sex but I also don't fancy men in the above scenarios either so its not about them ad individuals its more about what it takes for me. Does that apply?

Beginning to think I'm really fussy. Rarely even saw a photo of anyone I fancied on old, hence have given up. Rarely see anyone I fancy irl either. sings "some day my prince will come"

When I was on the pill I was like this. For at least 6 of the 11 years I was on it. Just thought I was super fussy.

Mind you now I'm off it things have gone too far the other way.

Peperoni "Perhaps you have a similar pattern to me op in that you like to observe people quietly before making your mind up 🤔"

I think that is the issue indeed.. Should I just stop trying with OLD?

Tinydancer I went off the pill 3 months ago so it can't be that

You've been on dates with 15 different people in 3 months?! How do you manage to meet so many potential people? or am I just hugely unpopular haha.

I think it's the norm that a lot of females don't feel the spark with anyone until they meet the one - if you could "fancy" anyone who seems reasonably nice and that's it, love wouldn't be this crazy unattainable goal that so many people lust after.

Im so bored with the preamble before deciding whether or not to meet.

"I just feel nothing either. I can objectively see people are good looking but dont feel any attraction at all."

Sheperd That is exactly how I feel

This is the very reason I don’t think I could do old. It takes me a time to get to the fancying stage. It’s a bit like listening to an album over and over not thinking much of one track and then suddenly you hear it differently one day.

I don't think it's weird at all. I spent six months dating online, must have met a couple of guys a week and never really felt anything. I made myself go on second and third dates and still meh

Then I went on a date with my now husband. Fancied the pants off him, had five dates in a week and a half, realised I'd met the love of my life. It was worth waiting for and looking for.

It definitely isn’t just you, OP. I’ve been on probably 40 first dates from OLD in the last 18 months (could have done more but have only been on the sites sporadically), and I haven’t fancied any of them either!

Most of them have been nice men and probably objectively better looking than some of my exes, but there’s something about the situation that doesn’t do it for me. Perhaps it’s too... contrived?

I don’t feel it’s fair to go on more dates to see if the spark “develops”, because it doesn’t tend to work that way for me, and also because the thought that the men will eventually went to get physical is repulsive to me (even though I’m a very sexual person and keen to DTD when I do fancy someone).

I don’t know what the answer is. I’m sick of OLD but also very lonely and fed up with being alone

You are on the right track, keep meeting people and you will fancy someone, don't be disheartened, but in my experience of dating in general when the spark is not there, it will not develop after more dates.

A bloke I quite fancy atm was someone i didn’t Notice for quite a while, then one day I did.

I’m the same and it gets more tedious the longer you do it. Can’t be bothered any more myself. Having said that, you could try a second or third date if you didn’t actually dislike them and just be a bit more open-minded.

I think if you like the guy as a person when you meet and you aren't physically repulsed , then it's probably worth getting to know them a bit more and see if your interest increases. You might be "demisexual" which is apparently a thing.

Category I don't think I am demisexual, when I fancy someone I'd jump them pretty quickly. It is just that for some reason I don't fancy the guys I meet on OLD.

SSRIs inhibit dopamine the pleasure sensor reaponsible for sexual lifts, so if you are in anti-depressants maybe thats it?
Otherwise change your search terms - are you going after the shadows of men youve dated before?
OR see first dates as a way to experience a different person’s way of looking at your city, rather than a packaged future which you can both imagine (you actually can’t but we all think we can) and pick holes in. You cannot find the most Perfect Man in the world by clicking on a pic and going for a drink. It is statistically ridiculous. You can however, find another human who become perfect for you :). Watch Black Mirror “Hang the DJ” for that message more articulately demonstrated.

If those suggestions are not the issue, then my final suggestion might be (other than being “unlucky”) that maybe you are turned off by people who like you? My sister has this affliction- she is terrified about breaking a heart so feels immense pressure if ahe doesn’t like a date- even though they’ve hardly proposed marriage yet! and also she has low selfesteem so she feels slightly contemptuous about someone who thinks she’s “good enough”. That combination has blighted her last decade of dating. “Uhoh he said I had nice hair how do I tell him i dont want to marry him? Also my hair is so shit why is he so desperate?” (... is an extrapolation of her thohght process).

I dont have the answers for her, but as an onlooker I wish for her just a little more compassion and patience for the nerves of her OLD man - maybe meaning she could cut him a little slack about him being kind - whilst also wishing for her the insight to see that she is not only fabulous kind and wonderful and worthy of love- but also, by being on oLD, sitting in a shop window, to be fair: and so there’s no shame in someone tentatively approaching to enquire about what she is offering.

Hope thats helpful. Had a few glasses of wine :)

I spent about 5 months doing OLD. Was very fussy and only messaged the guys who made a massive effort and I enjoyed talking to. Out of them I only agreed to see 4 and that was after messaging them a lot. The first three were nice enough in real life but weren't amazing so I didn't bother. The 4th and my now boyfriend is bloody amazing in every way and I'm besotted. It really is a numbers game but I thought I just wasn't able to can keep anything for people I hadn't gotten to know in real life. I was wrong. I did get to know my boyfriend online and he's even better in real life.

There has been a massive change in OLD recently. I think it’s probably had it’s day.

Had its day? A huge proportion of couples now meet online.

For what it's worth, I didn't fancy my now - DH until the second date (which I nearly declined.)