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Original poster

Dumped because I have children

56 replies

unibooj · 26/11/2018 04:58

He knew I had 2 young dc when we met 6 months ago. Now he’s broken it off because he’s got cold feet about taking on children what aren’t his own. WTF? Why the fuck did he get involved in the first place then?

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 26/11/2018 07:42

Maybe his mother has persuaded him it’s not a good idea.

Or maybe as a grown adult he is capable of deciding for himself.

Innocentconglomeration · 26/11/2018 07:45

I must be a monumental prick then because I ended it with a previous BF because I didn’t like the reality of his young kids.

I would never date anyone with young kids again. It’s just not somewhere I want to go.

Moominfan · 26/11/2018 07:49

He was honest. It's shit but atleast you know the truth and can move on.

surferjet · 26/11/2018 07:52

Maybe his mother has persuaded him it’s not a good idea

Ha. I must admit I wouldn’t want my son taking on someone else’s kids.
I never would myself.

But back to op. I can understand why you’re hurt as he did know the situation from the start, but maybe the reality of it just caught up with him. Two kids under 5 is blooming hard work. Or maybe the relationship just run it’s course?
Either way, he’s not a prick for ending a relationship he’s no longer enjoying.

Innocentconglomeration · 26/11/2018 08:00

Oh and I decided it all by myself. My mother had duck all say.

In all seriousness, I’ve been dating someone since the beginning of August. We haven’t met each other’s teenagers yet. Because it would be too soon. We see each other once a week for an evening/occasional overnight (I can stay at his easier then he can at mine) and every other weekend. We’ve not long progressed to staying for the whole weekend rather than just one night

It is massively sensible not to meet kids right away - we are planning to do so over the Christmas break at some point.

Op. It’s rotten, and it hurts, but he is entitled to end a relationship for any reason he likes.

Loopytiles · 26/11/2018 08:04

It’s sad but one of those things, don’t think he was unreasonable.

prawnsword · 26/11/2018 10:25

it sounds like it was something he was considering, but after 6 months has decided this is not for him. It doesn't make him a bad person, you're just mismatched. It sucks he didn't know it wasn't for him, sounds like he gave it a go & hope you enjoyed your time together & can enjoy it for what it was. Some people are just mismatched & you date for awhile, but that's OK. Sorry you're hurting xo

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 26/11/2018 10:56

It may not have been the real reason. If he was falling for you and was sure you were the one for him then the children wouldn't be an issue. I think most likely is that he felt it wasn't going in the right direction, he didn't have the feelings for you that he should and he used the children as a negative point against you when weighing things up.

Fair enough, being with someone with children isn't for everyone, it can be hard work and the idea is nothing like the reality, but 6 months in, there has to be more to it than the fact you have kids.

Musti · 26/11/2018 11:07

It's hard dating someone with children even when you have your own because they are always (quite rightly) their priority.

He liked you but not enough to commit himself to you and in the first rush of love/lust you accept a lot more than you do later when you think with your head more.

Honeyroar · 26/11/2018 11:07

Around six months is often the time when reality starts kicking in and a lot of relationships fail for many reasons. I don't think he's a prick either. He tried, it wasn't right for him and he was honest! It's very hard taking on someone's children, especially so young.

Trinity66 · 26/11/2018 11:10

Echo everyone on here tbh and I have kids aswell, he's being honest I'm sure he thought it would be fine when he started seeing you. I'm sorry you're hurt but it doesn't make him an asshole either

Innocentconglomeration · 26/11/2018 11:11

I disagree. I mean, it's one thing to know in the abstract that your partner has kids, it's a completely different thing once you meet them and see the reality. That might be all it is - it was for me - I knew the man I was dating had a 5 year old, my kids are older, I thought a five year old would be fine - but no, it wasn't. I didn't want to be back to that level of responsibility and having to consider a small child, once I was faced with the reality. And I had been a parent to a five year old - I'd just forgotten what the reality was like. And having seen it, I didn't want it.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/11/2018 11:11

He's not a monumental prick for deciding that step parenting isn't for him. Best that he bows out sooner rather than later.
I'm sorry you are sad though. I hope you meet someone who wants to join your family.

Prettyvase · 26/11/2018 11:11

I think he was being reasonable and honest.

You, op, are the unreasonable one thinking the way you are.

Your dc need you to play the mother and father roles if you have no man in your life. That is a huge undertaking is it not?

Put your dc first because tbh I would be more worried that a man WOULD want to take on your dc unless I watched him like a hawk and did a thorough CRB/Sarah's law check first.

Young dc are extremely vulnerable and you op have to provide a safe, happy, secure, peaceful environmemt for them in which to grow up in.

Adding a strange man into the mix after perhaps a previous bad male role model? (Is/are their dad/s in the picture?) is not a good idea, is it?

IAmcuriousyellow · 26/11/2018 11:14

There’s a very sad thread on here about a stepfather who openly dislikes his stepson. These things are easy enough to start. He’s been real with you and you cant ask for more than that. Try to move on, and enjoy your little ones, what lovely ages, even though I’m sure they drive you mad!

ThunderInMyHeart · 26/11/2018 11:19

I came on to say what Starsandmoonlight did.

What would you rather? He not break up with you and it all go to shit later on?

I think it's unfair to say that the reason he gave of your children is 'probably an excuse'. It's a reasonable and predictable REASON; it's not fair to say it's an excuse.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/11/2018 11:22

It's the ones where women get pregnant with men who already have kids that get me. At some point before giving birth they seem to suddenly realize they won't ever have their own little family with DP and will have to have the baby and adapt to motherhood with their stepchildren in the house.

I think people need to spend way more time thinking about settling down with someone that has kids. Something becoming more normal doesn't mean it's easy.

SouthWestmom · 26/11/2018 20:51

Put your dc first because tbh I would be more worried that a man WOULD want to take on your dc unless I watched him like a hawk and did a thorough CRB/Sarah's law check first.

Slightly extreme, no? Not sure you'd be able to get a DBS...

Amaried · 26/11/2018 21:05

Another one here who doesn't think he did anything terrible , he thought he was ok with dating some one with young kids but in reality he discovered it wasn't for him. Sad for you but it doesn't make him a terrible person.

funinthesun18 · 26/11/2018 21:13

Amaried I agree with you.

BackforGood · 26/11/2018 21:23

Excellent post by @StarsandMoonlight

Rcb1978 · 02/10/2019 00:17

Crazy, I've been with my partner for 2.5 years and known him for around 18 years. He has no kids and I have a 12yr old. We don't live together. Yet he doesn't want to be with anyone who has a kid if it's not his own... this is after being together nearly 3 years... then apologised for wasting my time. My child is not young, young and he always knew i had a child!

user1471504234 · 02/10/2019 00:30

It’s always sad when a relationship ends if you didn’t want it to. However, I also fully agree with everything @StarsAndMoonlight said, it’s spot on.
He has every right to change his mind about the relationship, for whatever reason. To those saying he’s wasted your time, he hasn’t, or if so then he’s wasted his own time as well - he wouldn’t do that intentionally.

IAmBumblebee · 02/10/2019 00:54

Just be relived that you didn't end up with him as a third child.

AgentJohnson · 02/10/2019 01:31

Kids are a big deal and the reality is very different than the abstract idea of them. You were dating and the dating period is uncover such sentiments.

I understand your hurt and frustration but he did the right thing.

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