Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wants me to change

29 replies

Jumblyhead · 25/11/2018 23:51

We are constantly arguing with each other. Last night he got drunk and was an arse. One of the things he has asked me to change was not holding grudges. So I got up today, moved on and was pleasant. He went out for a bit, came home and announced he wasn't going to change anything; admitted to being argumentative and difficult to live with, but insisted that's who he is and I should deal with it. BUT the fundamental thing in his opinion is that I need to change and our relationship and it's issues hangs in the balance of my changing. I've asked him to tell me what I need to change but he's just told me I should know...
I have no idea how to deal with this?!

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 25/11/2018 23:53

End it. You're not compatible.

Blueberryhill123 · 25/11/2018 23:55

Sorry but he seems to be looking for a way out of your relationship and is trying to make you take responsibility for the 'failure' of it.

MMmomDD · 25/11/2018 23:56

It’s very clear OP - you need a big change.
New man in your life.
For sure.

Unless - all your life, all your friends and boyfriends have pointed out something that make you a terribly difficult person to be around -
Which I assume isn’t the case -
Then it’s highly unlikely that all your relationship problems are down to your personality traits....

But he - I am not sure. He might have that personality that is difficult to be around. He may be one of those people who thinks that he is perfect while people around him aren’t....

So - do, do consider a change.

StarsAndMoonlight · 25/11/2018 23:56

End it. Walk away. Find someone you are compatible with without having to fundamentally change who you are as a person.

The idea is to meet someone who brings out the best in you; who enables you to be the best version of you.

Not someone who demands that you change who you are; suppress who you are in order to find them tolerable.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 23:58

what a Prick, but you DO know how to change it, pack and leave Flowers

Singlenotsingle · 25/11/2018 23:59

Why on earth would you want to stay with a man like that? Just go. Now. He's abusive and controlling.

Original poster
Jumblyhead · 26/11/2018 00:05

We aren't compatible. Not any more. We used to be. He's spent the 3 years of our relationship trying to change and improve and learn from mistakes... he's a fixer. We have different opinions and what used to be healthy debates are battles to be the winner.

The thing stopping me is we have kids, from previous marriages who've all come together and blended well and are happy in our home. So, it's going to take a bit of planning and thinking to up and leave anytime soon

OP posts:
Original poster
Jumblyhead · 26/11/2018 00:08

@Blueberryhill123 I agree that that is what he's trying to achieve

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 26/11/2018 00:15

OP - what was he fixing and improving in the first 3 years of your relationship???
What mistakes needed to be learned form?
It’s still a fairly new relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️

I get that it’s difficult to change, when kids are involved.
But - no relationship can survive for long; when one side thinks that all the issues are due to the other side.
Any changes need to be mutual.

Jsku · 26/11/2018 00:21

He reminds me a bit of my H.

For years, he’s told me I need to fix this or that about myself as it was impacting us.
I am a fairly strong person, so don’t bend to pressure easily. And I was having and raising babies.
So - I placated him for a while - without forcing myself to change anything that was core part of me...
Life and years went on.
I have built a nice life for myself - spent time with kids, and he was on/of sulking because I never did change all those qualities.
When we eventually divorce - if he asks why - I may tell him, or not.

It’s never about one person. No matter what he tells you.

Original poster
Jumblyhead · 26/11/2018 00:24

@MMmomDD he's changed in terms of things I've found frustrating (decision making, parenting, housework)...he will take all comments on board and take them quite literally. Eg, I feel like I'm going round in circles with washing and ironing, from that day til now he's done all washing and ironing. So he does take it all in and change. Decision making, I told him sometimes I don't feel I'm 50/50 with household decisions. Tick in the box. But it's pointed out..."you decide, you decide". Like I need to be clear on his listening to me. Any adaptations I have made i have just carried on with, out of respect and need for improvement. I'm wondering if I should've pointed them out as I've gone?!

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 26/11/2018 00:32

OP - it’s sounds draining...
Like it’s not a relationship but some sort of mutual improvement competition.
Do you have fun together?
Are there feelings?

Original poster
Jumblyhead · 26/11/2018 00:37

@MMmomDD it is draining! We have so much fun, we are so tactile, so talkative, so supportive and laugh so much all of the other times. The problem is we've gone from 99% good to 70% good. It's like the episodes are getting more frequent. And the constant "fixing" has led us into a maze.

I don't want to change me. I like me. It's not too much to ask for that acceptance back. I've never asked him to change, despite all the parts that get right on my nipple ends. I've chosen, because I love him, to accept and appreciate him as he is.

OP posts:
rosablue · 26/11/2018 00:37

I'd tell him straight that he can't play that game with you - telling you that you have to change but not wanting to change himself. Either you both change or neither of you change but it's completely unreasonable to expect you to change to fit his whims, conveniently but not to change himself. Also that pissing you around by saying that you should know what you need to change but not giving any clues is a deliberate act on his part to give you something completely unachieveable so that until he can even give you a few indicators you're just going to assume that apart from changing [insert something minor here like remembering to buy an extra pack of loo roll at the shops so you have an extra spare pack] everything is fine, that if he isn't man enough to step up to the responsibilities of telling you anything then you'll continue as you are until he can say something as his behaviour is passive aggressive, controlling and designed to leave you wrong footed and him in the always right position, which you do not accept but that you hope he will grow up and discuss any issues like the adult he is supposed to be.

SandyY2K · 26/11/2018 00:42

Perhaps relationship counsellimg would help.
You.need an objective third party.

Original poster
Jumblyhead · 26/11/2018 00:44

@SandyY2K to be fair, he has suggested this

OP posts:
MissLadyM · 26/11/2018 00:47

Just end it. Why waste time with counselling? You're clearly not suited. Plenty more fish in the sea!

ferando81 · 26/11/2018 01:22

People who are argumentative can lack self esteem .They can appear confident but their desperation to win the argument is to bolster their confidence .If they lose they feel stupid hence the need for you to change and come round to their point of view.
I have no empirical evidence for this but it's something I sense when dealing with argumentative people .

SandyY2K · 26/11/2018 07:15

@Jumblyhead
Give it a chance then.

If he's suggested counselling then he could also be willing to understand things from your POV.

You may be surprised with it.

There's an organisation called marriage care. They are UK based...it's a national charity and they do couple's counselling.

dontgobaconmyheart · 26/11/2018 14:19

I feel exhausted just reading about it OP, isn't it boring endlessly 'working on' things and feeling not good enough. Surely you only get on in a very surface way if it's going to come down to this sort of conversation everytime you disagree.

Love isn't a reason to make yourself miserable and it shouldn't require you to make changes you're unhappy with tgat are unreasonable. Just because you think you might love someone, it doesn't mean you need to be with them, or should be with them.
Throwing effort at something like this in the name of love won't get you anywhere, the incompatibility will always be there and it isn't as like he is even willing to meet you halfway anyway so why would you want to try Confused. I think 3 years is plenty of time to have tried and it reached a natural end.

Original poster
Jumblyhead · 26/11/2018 15:35

I am exhausted I'm done. I can't do it any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jumblyhead · 26/11/2018 15:38

I'm away for a few days with work from tomorrow morning so definitely time to think...

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 26/11/2018 17:01

How boring and draining.

Not what a relationship should be.

I'd be saying bye bye to this one, fast.

Change 1 thing about yourself and he'll ask you to change another 10, then probably leave you anyway.

Too tedious for words, no man is worth the angst

Adora10 · 26/11/2018 17:23

He takes you as you are OP, warts and all, we are all imperfect but if you love someone you accept the good and the bad. I'd assume he's not happy with me as I am and offer him the opportunity to part ways.

oiiiiiii · 26/11/2018 17:40

My exh used this line on me "you should know by now what you need to change". He nearly killed me with his constant disgust and disapproval for the person I naturally am, for things I just can't change. In time it erodes you completely. It's simply not worth it, it's not meant to be this difficult.

I'm sorry about the kids all getting on and having to think about splitting them up. That's so hard.

But you can't share living space with someone who thinks there is something fundamentally wrong with you x

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.