He wants me to change

[Jumblyhead]

We are constantly arguing with each other. Last night he got drunk and was an arse. One of the things he has asked me to change was not holding grudges. So I got up today, moved on and was pleasant. He went out for a bit, came home and announced he wasn't going to change anything; admitted to being argumentative and difficult to live with, but insisted that's who he is and I should deal with it. BUT the fundamental thing in his opinion is that I need to change and our relationship and it's issues hangs in the balance of my changing. I've asked him to tell me what I need to change but he's just told me I should know...
I have no idea how to deal with this?!

I'd end it. My mother was like that with me. Totally destroys you to contstantly be told you need to be someone/something else because what you are isn't good enough.

What are the arguments actually about? His statements about himself and you sound pretty unreasonable.

Agree that couples counselling could be useful: someone well qualified (eg BACP) ideally without a stated agenda of helping couples stay together. The outcome may be positive change or clear decision to split up.

Are you sure your DC would be sad to see the relationship and “blended family” situation change? They may well actually prefer to live with you alone.

The arguments are about silly things. Like really silly everyday things. Problem is we both do a dance of anger that won't stop...back and forward. It's not the reason we argue that's the problem. It's our style of arguing.
I would say I cause plenty and have many faults. He insists he will do anything to save what we have. (But not change, apparently). It was like he came in making these claims to create a "turning point".
Last night I get home from work, he's created a huge picnic in the living room, wine and a card, made dinner etc, talked about our past, things we've done, all romantic but a bit odd in light of what's been said?!
I'm away now for three days, he's in charge of all of the kids and I have thinking time

My ex did this thing where he's basically manufacture crises every few months (sometimes every few weeks when he was feeling particularly low/stressed) and create massive drama, pretty much out of nothing, and the only way he'd calm down is if I begged/pleaded/promised to change etc for as long as it took for him to feel better.

He'd then be all sweetness and light until something in him snapped again and he started sniffing around urgently trying to find the next thing to lose his rag about. There would be a time period when I could feel he was poised for me to put a foot wrong. Inevitably I would misstep (once it was because I gave a male stranger directions - once he imagined an elaborate scenario where I had put my hand on a stranger's knee at a pub - it could be something totally innocuous or even fabricated) and that was it, the drama would explode all over again.

It's called the cycle of abuse and it's exhausting.

Looking back I realise that he got a lot of self esteem / a "high" from how much power and control he could exercise over me through his crisis creation. It was a way for him to constantly bring the whole focus of the family back onto himself. There was no room for anyone else during one of his episodes. It also (I believe) was a way for him to feel close to me / as if I loved him very deeply - the more I suffered, the more he felt I loved him. He couldn't just have a peaceful relationship with me. It didn't feel urgent and intense enough for him.

It's all very sad. Ultimately I realised I couldn't teach him to behave differently.

I'm now with someone who can just love me and accept my love with absolutely no drama. It's peaceful and happy. I hope you find that soon. x