Under pressure from long lost sister...

[OneTwistedAngel]

I met my half sister almost 3 years ago and have seen her and her children perhaps a few times a year since. I speak to her on Facebook regularly and always remember her and the children's birthdays etc but don't have a close family so haven't really made a lot of effort to maintain regular contact, but then neither has she.
Anyway, was at her birthday party last night and she had a very emotional talk with me about how she wants me and her to be close and wants me to be more involved with her children. She says she has been trying to give me time to warm to them but is upset that I don't seem to want to be an auntie or sister.
It's made me feel a bit overwhelmed and under pressure. I'm not close to any family and was fairly isolated as a kid growing up with just my mum and very controlling dad. I don't know what she expects? How often do people see their sister, nieces and nephew?

We share a dad but she wasnt allowed to see him so had no contact at all until a few years ago. She is older. Her kids are 17, 14 and 10 in case it makes any difference.

I see one of my siblings every day, one most days, one at least once or twice a week, and my half-sibling (who I never lived with) now around once a month but we used to go years without seeing each other. Three of them have kids that I see at the same time. But we’ve literally known each other our entire lives, and my family are all very close, so it’s a very different situation.

I can understand both sides of this, it must be tough for you both. She’s probably excited that’s she’s got a long lost sister and was picturing doing ‘sisterly’ things with you, but it’s all new to you and if you’re not comfortable with it then you need to do what’s best for you.

PippilottaLongstocking
Thanks for the reply. Gosh every day sounds exhausting to me, as does every week if I'm honest. I'm a bit if an introvert though. What kinds of sister things? I have taken her to a show and met for dinner before but it's difficult to get out schedules to match.

I think you need to spell it out to her that you dont know what she expects due to your limited role models.

I see My sisters every second year because we all live in different countries. Dh sees his once every second month and the closer one probably once or twice a month.

Is there something you could do together regularly like a fitness class or something?

I think you need to tell her that you are happy with how things are now and don't want more. I'm the same, I wouldn't want a closer relationship. I'm not close with my sib and I grew up with him!

redexpat
Thanks for the advice. I will have a chat and see if she would be up for joining me at the gym or something.

Maelstrop
Thanks for responding. I was starting to think I was weird for not wanting to be closer lol

I see my brother a couple of times a month because we both have pretty demanding work schedules. Honestly I understand your point of view but why don't you try something like once a month to start with? Go for coffee, dinner, shopping, anything really. You might find it's a relationship that really enriches your life

I haven't seen my sibling since March. No issues but we aren't local to each other and we're both busy.

I see one sister a couple of times a week at my parents house. I never go to specifically hang out with her though. I go to see my parents so that they can spend time with my daughter.

I see my other sister once every few months.

Explain to your sister that you're not sure exactly what it is she wants. Have you told her that you're not one to spend lots of time with family?

Making a sibling relationship with someone you haven’t shared a childhood with isn’t easy. It needs motivation and commitment from both parties. However it can be very healing if you have had a difficult younger life. I feel very lucky that my long lost sibling is so close to us, but we are a close family despite living in different places, and there were a particular set of circumstances which made it work out like that. Don’t think you are weird if it doesn’t come naturally, but since she has opened up to you, do the same, let her know you don’t have very well developed ‘sister muscles ‘ but you are willing to work on them! Good luck.

I haven’t seen my sister since 2014. I might visit next year 🤷‍♀️

Don’t get too upset by this - there will be a middle way. You definitely don’t have to do anything.

Have you had counselling about this? A long lost sister is a big deal. It would be worth going to talk that out

I live far from my sister - we see each other every few years. But we talk on the phone, maybe once a fortnight and email about the same amount, just to catch up. Even when I live fairly near to her, ie in the same city, I still only saw her a coupe of times a year. We're not bad friends - we just aren't overly touchy-feely .

I have a brother who I see at least twice a month for a meal or a few drinks. We speak on an almost daily basis, anything from a few messages back and forward to conversations lasting about an hour or so, depending on how busy we are or how much we have to talk about.

It sounds like you care about each other. That’s a great basis for a relationship. Great advice from pp. if possible go to a weekly class together and a night out every couple of months/when possible. Do you live near each other?
It sounds like you are doing exactly what I would do, building the relationship up slowly but surely.

You can see her how often you like. If you prefer seeing her once a month that’s fine.

these things occur naturally, forcing them has the opposite effect, take your time OP

Thank you all for your comments and support. It's been nice and reassuring reading them. We live an hour's drive apart so not too close and I only passed my driving test in june so me visiting has only been possible lately. I really just dont know how much of myself I can give. I do care about her and the kids but don't feel an overwhelming need to see them all the time. In fact, feeling so under pressure to be a 'good auntie and sister' is making me retreat further away from them.

She probably has idealised view of close families are .Most families aren't that close and even close families have big rifts.

Even close aunties drift a bit once DCs are getting onto teens ime. It is easier if you have seen the nieces/ nephews as tinies then followed their growing up. Keeping in touch by WhatsApp or phone with sis would be best with the occasional visit.

Different situation but I'm the youngest of five and I speak to my parents and siblings and nieces and nephews at least once a day. Like any relationship you need to work at it. Maybe set aside some time each week to message or call asking about her week and the kids and telling her how yours was. Maybe go out for coffee each week or suggest going out for a meal or a day out with her and the kids each month. It's hard and I don't always (read never) see eye to eye with siblings but I love them to death and they love me, and my relationships with their kids is what's keeping me going and working when uni or life gets too much I know I can call any of my sisters and they'll make me feel better or they'll let me talk to or facetime the kids and all of my problems go away because they are ALWAYS happy to talk to me and value me even when I don't like or value myself.

Crikey I think it's a bit of an ask to be expected to play happy families with ppl you barely know.
Go at your own speed. If she gets upset it's her problem.

It doesn't sound like you want to be involved at all. There is no need just because you share a father. I'd explain you are busy and lower her expectations.

You are so fortunate to have a half sister. Do as much as you can, she wouldn't want you to feel pressurised. However it could turn out to be a very precious relationship. If you can't do it, don't, but think of how valuable it could be to your family.

I have recently had first contact with cousins and an aunt and none are interested in me. I don't push it. Just heard one cousin's husband has died and she is in distress; I want to write to her but honestly don't know what