Under pressure from long lost sister...

[OneTwistedAngel]

I met my half sister almost 3 years ago and have seen her and her children perhaps a few times a year since. I speak to her on Facebook regularly and always remember her and the children's birthdays etc but don't have a close family so haven't really made a lot of effort to maintain regular contact, but then neither has she.
Anyway, was at her birthday party last night and she had a very emotional talk with me about how she wants me and her to be close and wants me to be more involved with her children. She says she has been trying to give me time to warm to them but is upset that I don't seem to want to be an auntie or sister.
It's made me feel a bit overwhelmed and under pressure. I'm not close to any family and was fairly isolated as a kid growing up with just my mum and very controlling dad. I don't know what she expects? How often do people see their sister, nieces and nephew?

to say. I heard the news through a mutual friend.

I sympathise with both you and your half sister. Family dynamics are difficult.

I think she has probably really struggled with not seeing her dad when she grew up. She has very good reasons for feeling and fearing rejection very deeply. Be kind. Tread softly. But equally if you can’t be more involved at this stage then that’s ok and you can tell her you enjoy seeing her and she’s a wonderful addition to your life but you are happy with things as they are.

Forcing a close relationship on someone is never going to work. I'm from a large family but we're not close, there's no acrimony it's just the way we are. 2 siblings I rarely have contact with, another one just via whatsapp every few months (he's abroad) and one I see regularly but then she works for us, we don't seek each other out. I don't need that closeness that others commenting seem to. I have some good friends but honestly I don't need constant contact with them either. I'm in daily contact with my adult children via our family whatsapp which is lovely, and see them about once a month (both live about 2 hours away). You and your half sister have mismatched expectations OP, but it's not your responsibility to give her the closeness she craves. She wants the fantasy of a close sibling relationship but the reality is that many full siblings who grew up together don't have, need or want that.

You need to spend more time together to be able to know each other, she clearly wants to be friends, it takes 2,
All she is hoping for is you both to become closer, I think that's lovely.
I don't know if you have your own family, but if you don't it is lovely to have a someone who wants to include you in their life. Particularly when you are older.

Has she any othe siblings? I'm assuming not, and that she has an idealised and unrealistic vision of what having a sister is.

I haven't seen any of my sister's in 18 months, and I grew up with them. 2 if them are quite nice, one I find difficult. We just don't have nuch in common and luve a very ling way apart. I liked growing up with lots of siblings though, I liked the hoyse being full and busy growing up, Ijust didn't feel the need for my siblings to be my close friends.

Meeting your sister as an adult, your relationship wont be any different from a friendship. Anything could be normal from hitting it off and becoming inseparable to very casual aquaintances who have little contact.

She's trying to force something that isn't coming naturally - I'd back off further tbh

Sorry for all the fat finger typos!

Thanks for the insightful and kind comments. It's much appreciated. I do understand her desire for family but I'm not bothered. In truth I find the family events she invites me to very draining as it's all her mother's side and I'm paraded about as the little sister. It's definitely mis matched personalities as I'm fairly reserved and happy with my work and close circle of friends I've had since school. I don't have the time or energy to commit to weekly visits. I like the idea of a family WhatsApp. I may create that as all the kids have phones.

It sounds as though she has an idealistic view of sisterhood that she is trying to create with you. But in reality that will be almost impossible for the two of you, as you have no shared childhood memories or experiences, and so very little to build strong family bonds on.

It would be a shame if she tried to pressure you into committing more emotionally than you are comfortable with, because the likelihood is that you step back a little, I know that's what I would do.

For the time being I'd just carry on as you have been doing. But if she brings it up again, perhaps gently say that you are happy with the level of contact as it is.

Personally I'd keep her at arms length. But then I'm not big family person. I have a half-brother, but he lives in the USA so I don't see him, and don't do more than the odd fb comment. Same with him. I've met him once. He was lovely. But I'm happy just knowing he exists.

I also have a step sister, whom I've known since I was six (actually I have two, but no contact with the other) I only see her once a year and speak to her maybe twice. Its not because I don't like her. But we aren't best buddies and I have no desire to get all lovely dovey with any of them.

Don't bend. Don't go to family events if you don't want to. And explain to her that the level of contact you currently have suits you. Some people need more than others out of relationships. She has probably concocted some sort of idealistic sibling relationship in her head.

I can’t remember the last time I actually saw or spoke to my brother and we lived together and get along fine. We just have completely different lives. If I need him or he need me we could rely on each other though.

My dh and his sister prob message a couple of times a week but only see each other for arranged family things or just both happening to pop into mils at the same time type of thing.

We do comment happy birthday on fb and send presents and cards those are exchanged via our mum though as she’s the one who just must must must see us.