I cannot stand him any longer

[Ravenclawclassof84]

I want to leave my dh. I've been wanting to for some time but cannot work out how to afford it. And I'm scared of how he would take it. I wouldn't even know how to tell him. I am also terrified of the impact it would have on our 11yo son.
We've been married for 12 years. Since we got married he has regularly spoken to me with contempt. Uses sarcasm all the time, to the point where I have to rehearse sentences in my head before I say them aloud so I don't say something he might object to, or pull me up on saying something stupid. If i tell him it upsets me, it escalates the situation and he says it's my fault. Always my fault. Then turns it back on me so he's the real victim. One time i asked him not to be so moody after giving him factual information about an activity our son was doing. He stuck his middle finger up in my face, then said I could "leave (the room) now." He has spent the last 12 years moaning about almost everything i do. I am constantly trying to do everything to his liking, have done for so long, and he has always found fault with it. Even tonight, I've had a particular bedsheet washed and hung up to dry because he didn't want to use the other one we have. I was getting really anxious about it being dry and ready to use in time because I wanted to ensure he was happy. He's just had a go at me for hanging it to dry and making the room slightly steamed up. I said there was absolutely nowhere else to dry it as there was so much washing drying already. His response was to glare at me for answering back and saying "But can we just agree, it's not a great place to hang things to dry?" Everything i do, he finds fault with, and if I retaliate, he gets angry and it inflames the situation. If i say i was doing anything to try and keep him happy he gets angry as he doesn't like the insinuation he's unreasonable. I dread getting home from work. I dread and hate weekends. There has never been physical abuse but over the past 12 years he has done hardly anything but make me feel shit and i cannot stand it any more. Sorry for the long rant, just needed to get some of it down before i explode.

That sounds really hard. I can understand why you'd want to leave. He's behaving horribly! I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice but I didn't want to read and run.

Thanks for reading @canberramum. Reading it all back, it seems garbled and there have been other incidents too. I just wanted a rant really I guess

I'd want to leave him too! I think it's worse for your child to witness this than to separate, frankly.

Could you have a look at the Entitled To website to see what your financial situation would be like? You need to make a plan and it's always best to start with finances.

I'd contact Womens Aid and ask for help regarding how to leave him. He sounds terrible. You need someone to help you work out your finances and what he would need to pay as well. Alternatively see a solicitor and talk to them.
If you scared for your safety you need to leave then tell him.See someone this week and get the ball in motion. Your son would get over it.

Sounds like an arse and a bully. Good idea to start saving to get out. Also consider standing up to him. I spent years trying to appease my partner. It doesnt work. I now tell him exactly what I think. He doesnt like it but I feel much better. He is also much less likely to pick a stupid argument now as I tell him he is being a bullying shit.

Should also say tjough that if you are worried he may become violent then standing up to him not a good idea.

Thanks @HollowTalk, I looked at that site a while ago and it was helpful but our financial situation was slightly different then... You've reminded me to check it again! 😀

This is emotional abuse. He's got you on eggshells trying to second guess where the next mood or comment is coming from. My ex was like this. Leaving him was the absolute best thing I've ever done.

He sounds just like my exH. Only even worse. I finally had enough and told him to leave and finally he went after a month.

Stand up to him and tell him to go fuck himself. Don't do anything for him ever again and go grey rock until he gets the message. This is no life for you or your DC do it for them, as well as yourself as this is not a good healthy role model

He sounds horrendous. Do you have family and friends that can provide you with support if you leave him?

There doesn’t have to be physical abuse for a situation to be abusive.
Please try and find a way out, his behaviour will probably get worse. People like him are evil fuckers and you can try all you like to placate him but it won’t ever work
You don’t deserve to live like this

Thanks Rudgie and cansu... I've just found a solicitor not far from me who offers free half hour sessions in the evening. I will see them. I have tried standing up to him but it always seems to make things worse as he either gets even more angry or he gets very upset and says he can't understand why I'm being nasty to him. I don't think he would get violent... He never has before. I think it's the unpredictability of his behaviour and the situation that's worrying me. I do overthink things. Just so many nightmare scenarios in my head. I need to find my big girl pants i think.

This is emotional abuse. He's got you on eggshells trying to second guess where the next mood or comment is coming from That has crossed my mind a few times too, whenever I have wondered why he does and says those things. I always end up feeling guilty if I upset him. Pathetic I know.
He and our son have a great relationship but I agree this is not something he should witness or regard as normal behaviour. He is currently doing well st school and is happy but I am worried that if we split up acrimoniously (and it will be acrimonious, husband will make things difficult), it will impact DS terribly.

Just leave him. Go, go as far away as you can from this idiot of a man.

Your DS is already being negatively impacted by hearing your H speaking to you like shit. He is 11 - he knows. It's a really poor relationship model too that may impact disastrously on his future relationships, and that won't make for a happy life for him.

It's no good for a child to grow in an unhappy home atmosphere. As 'great' as the relationship between he & his dad seems to be, he is learning negative life lessons at home.

Between Women's Aid and solicitor you'll get help to leave this pain in the arse of a man. Life's too short to put up with all that.

Thank you everyone. All the messages mean a lot. I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. He's still being very rude and arse this evening because I retaliated against him earlier this evening over the drying sheet thing... You've made me feel better. And Iess helpless and guilty for annoying him.

Could you go and live at a family members or a friends whilst the house is being sorted out? I wouldn't want to be stuck with him for a minute longer OP. You need to put yourself first here, you cant be having this for the rest of your life.

Raven

re your comment on your son:-

"He is currently doing well st school and is happy but I am worried that if we split up acrimoniously (and it will be acrimonious, husband will make things difficult), it will impact DS terribly"

He is 11 and he knows. He knows that life at home is shit for you as his mother and that his house is a warzone rather than the sanctuary it should be. He perhaps wonders of you as well why you have put his dad ahead of him till now. Therefore it will impact your son's life far more to his overall detriment if you stay with his abusive father. Do not do this to him. He is learning about relationships from him as well as you and he could all too easily follow his dad's abusive example. It is also down to you to protect him from such malign influences like his father.

I would take it as a given that your current H will make separation from him as long and protracted as possible as punishment to you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him. He will also make life difficult for you post separation as well; he is not going to change and somehow become more reasonable and or nice once you separate from him. This is really who he is.

Find your big girl pants raven and get the hell away from your abuser asap.

Seek the advice of Womens Aid and get good legal advice preferably from a Solicitor well versed in the ways of abusive men. The Rights of Women organisation are also very good to contact.

My father was like this

I have minimal contact with both my parents because a) I hate him and b) my mother stayed and subjected me to it

Don't be my mother.

There may not have been physical abuse but this IS mental abuse and still a very scary and emotive form of domestic violence.

I agree that Women's Aid is a good start and family/friends. Don't forget that you're doing this for you and your little one, as this will start to impact on them too, so a viable way out first, financial support second.x

I don't think your post was garbled at all.

He's clearly a pig and obviously knows and enjoys what he is doing to you.

Getting divorced from this type of man is not easy but your life will be so much better when you are free of him.

Do it op! Use mumsnet for support and take back your life!

Christ OP, what hell you have endured, I'm glad you have found the courage and inner strength to make these decisions. He does not deserve another moment of your time lovely

Absolutely agree with all the above PPs. This is straight from the Abusers Handbook 1.1
You can virtually write the script - 1)criticise everything,
2) get angry,
3)blame wife for making you angry, 4)claim to be the victim yourself of your unreasonable, emotional wife.
5) Continual gaslighting to make wife question reality.
6)Simmering undercurrent of anger to keep wife walking on eggshells and trying to please you all the time, without ever succeeding.
7)Occasional patches of behaving half decently, to keep her trapped and make her think it’s all okay really.
Any of that sound familiar, OP?
Please throw this man out of your life. Before your son grows up thinking this is how to treat women.
You, your son, and your son’s future wife deserve so much better than this. Get legal advice, and support from family, friends and Women’s Aid. Go for it. You have everything to gain and only an abusive shit to lose. Hugs, best wishes and good luck OP.

You can do it. You deserve better than this. Imagine how peaceful your life could be away from him. Imagine the life you want and go for it. We’ve got your back