I cannot stand him any longer

[Ravenclawclassof84]

I want to leave my dh. I've been wanting to for some time but cannot work out how to afford it. And I'm scared of how he would take it. I wouldn't even know how to tell him. I am also terrified of the impact it would have on our 11yo son.
We've been married for 12 years. Since we got married he has regularly spoken to me with contempt. Uses sarcasm all the time, to the point where I have to rehearse sentences in my head before I say them aloud so I don't say something he might object to, or pull me up on saying something stupid. If i tell him it upsets me, it escalates the situation and he says it's my fault. Always my fault. Then turns it back on me so he's the real victim. One time i asked him not to be so moody after giving him factual information about an activity our son was doing. He stuck his middle finger up in my face, then said I could "leave (the room) now." He has spent the last 12 years moaning about almost everything i do. I am constantly trying to do everything to his liking, have done for so long, and he has always found fault with it. Even tonight, I've had a particular bedsheet washed and hung up to dry because he didn't want to use the other one we have. I was getting really anxious about it being dry and ready to use in time because I wanted to ensure he was happy. He's just had a go at me for hanging it to dry and making the room slightly steamed up. I said there was absolutely nowhere else to dry it as there was so much washing drying already. His response was to glare at me for answering back and saying "But can we just agree, it's not a great place to hang things to dry?" Everything i do, he finds fault with, and if I retaliate, he gets angry and it inflames the situation. If i say i was doing anything to try and keep him happy he gets angry as he doesn't like the insinuation he's unreasonable. I dread getting home from work. I dread and hate weekends. There has never been physical abuse but over the past 12 years he has done hardly anything but make me feel shit and i cannot stand it any more. Sorry for the long rant, just needed to get some of it down before i explode.

It sounds like he views you as an inferior being and he is treating you with utter contempt. Good luck with the solicitor, hope it makes leaving him become feasible. What a nasty man to have to live with.

Thank you. You are right. And I love my son so much and cannot and will not hurt him by keeping things as they are. I am scared but that's no reason to keep us both trapped here.
My parents are wonderful but they live around 150 miles away, as do my sisters. I don't really have any family close by or any friends nearby so nowhere to go in a hurry if needed, which is another thing that's prevented me leaving. I will work something out though.

Please take your innocent DS out if this abusive situation!
You and DS are being emotionally abused. There is a very good chance your DS will hate your guts (as your DH does now).

Your DH is an abusive, vile scumbag.

Get OUT GET AWAY
Post here we will listen xx

You are very brave!! Life will be better

You will work something out. What comes across to me in your messages is that you are way, way stronger than you give yourself credit for. I have a feeling you are going to suprise yourself, and him!, hi much resolve you have when you get started. Make today the day you do!

Sorry to hear this OP. Ive also has to come to the realisation that my DP is EA towards me too (a lot of it thanks to mumsnet and their advice!) I honestly didn’t have a clue but now I know for certain I still blame myself.

Can you get yourself a councillor at all? Mine has helped me loads build back the pieces of my former self esteem and I feel a lot stronger now. You and your son deserve much, much better.

Please take steps to leave him. You and your son deserve more. You can do this

You mustn't blame yourself babygoose, it's not your fault. But I understand why, I blame myself for the situation too. My son deserves better than this. You deserve better too. Thank you everyone

What a surprise OP that you are so far away from your parents...your support network.

Do you REALLY think this is coincidental? It's not.

This is textbook emotional abuse and you do need to get out. And stay out.

Bless you. You're mired in emotional thinking. That's not a criticism, far from it. It's just an observation.

Dont make the mistakes I've made because I loved my ex.

Well he sounds not great and not willing to change.

I’m in a similar position but not sure which way is up. My partner (we have no kids) is quite a volatile person. She suffers with anxiety and OCD but never has sought help - she has these frequent explosions of rage that leave me believing or wondering if it’s me gaslighting her. Happened again tonight (has been for 4 years), she didn’t like the way I responded to something (which in retrospect was maybe a little flippant) but it triggered her shouting at me “F—K YOU!!....F—K OFF!!”....slamming doors over and over again before storming out yelling at me to “go F—k myself” and now not answering calls etc.

Yes - it’s made me feel like shit, and maybe this was my doing but I guess if you’ve endured his behaviour for so long then you know what you have to do.

He sounds awful and it will not help your DS seeing his DF treat you the way he does. I hope you manage to follow through and leave him.

When he starts on you say in a normal voice "stop bullying me."
Then go the loo... Even if you don't need it.
Yes it means you have the last word and he has to think about what he is saying.

I just want to say OP that I’m so sorry you are going through this

Stay strong and keep going. You have the rest of your life ahead of you and you will be happy on your own with your lovely DS.

My ex was a bit like this and I put up with it for 16 years. I spent most of that trying to make him happy but that just got harder over time. In the end he was just a miserable bastard and nothing I did was ever right. I ended things with a 10yo and 4yo and they are both doing really well. Your son will be fine and it really is better for him long term to be in a happier home. You will find yourself a better mum to him too as you won't be walking around with anxiety and stress all the time.
He will make your life very difficult so you can to prepare for that but, once you end things he no longer has any control over you. Stand strong and get this awful man out of your life and be happy.

I would recommend you read The verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans, as it will explain the abusive tactics he uses.
Until I was in a similar marriage I could not relate to this type of behaviour as it makes no sense but it's about power over you.

My ex was lovely to our dc as I was his scapegoat but once we separated be turned on dc. His venting has to go somewhere.

The divorce was awful, he was vicious in the extreme as abusive men don't want to let go of control and will use the divorce to punish you. Just be prepared for him not to reasonable and choose a solicitor who has experience. WA might be able to help with recommendations.

Abusive relationships have an impact on your health as your immune system will be in overdrive. It really can damage your health.
Get a plan together and leave.

You’ve got a whole life ahead of you. Please don’t waste it on this piece of shit. You deserve so much more. If I were you I would be making plans to move back to your parents. The fact they live 150 miles away surely has to be a good thing in this case. My daughter is only two years old but I would be utterly heartbroken if she ended up with someone like this. Make the move. Things will work themselves out and you will be free

Haven't your parents got a spare room for you and Ds while you sort out something near where they live? Just wait til he's out, pack your suitcases and go. It's easier than you think. I've done it myself, more than once.

Well, I can’t stand him, and I have never met him!

How can we help you to leave?

@life has got it. In spades.

@willwallce1975 - you deserve so much better than this. Please set yourself free too.

@willwalce I hope you do get away. You deserve better
Thank you to all who have responded. My son deserves a happy home. I don't want him thinking the way husband speaks to me at times is normal. I could probably afford a small house to rent for us both on my wages (I work ft) but would not also be able to afford half the current mortgage (which I understand I'm still going to be liable for). I really hoped to be able to do this without uprooting my son, taking him out of school and away from his friends but i will have to do what needs to be done.

good luck OP

How much maintenance would your DH have to pay?
Would this offset anything? Like your half of the mortgage repayment.
Do what you need to do to protect your DC and yourself.
Well done on finally seeing that you are worth more.
Personally.... I'd go to my family. They will be a great support network for you.
And... be ready for the 'hoovering'
He will change. He didn't realise how horrible he was. Don't take his son away from him. And again, he'll change.
He won't!
Be strong.

Make sure you get advice from Women's Aid about how to do it

Local women's aid here

Also read Lundy Bancrofts book Why Does He Do That.

You can do this. Make a thorough plan with Women's Aid - as pp say you've a battle on your hands in the coming months : abusers don't go quietly - you need expert support, advice and strategies.