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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What could be going on here with this bloke?

49 replies

SandraTheBee · 25/11/2018 16:41

I am a 51 year old single mum with older kids and just now starting to be interested in dating again- I met this bloke( similar age to me) though a mutual hobby, seasonal though and isn't happening at the moment.
Before the season ended I suggested we went for a drink. We had got on really well. This was about 2 weeks ago
We went for a drink and all seemed well, he said he would like to go out again. He asked me to go on a walk, but I was busy. I let him know I'd be up for doing something else later on.
Here's the thing, he will text me a couple of times a week asking how I am, I will suggest meeting up, he seems keen but then never actually takes me up on the offer.
I had decided that he probably wasn't that keen and was letting it all go in my head- he is definitely single, I know that, but has an ex I suspect he is pining for.
He messaged me today asking how I was, telling me about his friday night drinking session with mates. I asked if he fancied meeting up- I wish I hadn't- he then said ' yes let's but I'm still recovering from Friday. This is just after he told me he was going to the pub before dinner.
He lives 5 minutes down the road from me.
I get that he might not want see me again, but why the hell does he keep texting?
What one earth does he want?
This all sounds so bloody Jackie magazine teenage banal written down, but I have never known a man behave like this. I've always been able to read signals well. He's very shy but I think I've given him enough help. Bit fed up now.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:

frustratedashell · 25/11/2018 16:43

I think I would distance myself. Don't reply to texts for a while, if at all. I can't stand people who muck you around

Original poster

SandraTheBee · 25/11/2018 16:45

On our 'date' he told me in detail all about how his ex has treated him. God knows why. Perhaps he just wants a friend and I've got the wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:

frustratedashell · 25/11/2018 16:49

Oh dear! Sounds like hard work!

Loopytiles · 25/11/2018 16:49

Stop suggesting meeting up! Would also stop responding to texts.

frustratedashell · 25/11/2018 16:50

As you said, I think he's still pining for his ex. Think I would be unavailable

Alienspaceship · 25/11/2018 16:51

The ball is in his court now. Leave him to decide what he wants to do.

Original poster

SandraTheBee · 25/11/2018 16:53

I just want to go out and have some fun with a bloke. I'm not looking for anything more than an adventure. I'm too polite not to respond to texts, but I definitely won't suggest meeting up anymore.

OP posts:

chumbal · 25/11/2018 16:54

How about 'I'm going to X on Tuesday evening, would you like to come? ' Ask a closed question & then if he declines leave it to him

Original poster

SandraTheBee · 25/11/2018 16:55

This is the first time I have found someone interesting and attractive for more years than I care to think about. That's why it's so bloody frustrating. I can't bear the thought of OLD though.
Need to get out more really.

OP posts:

Lapperoo · 25/11/2018 17:01

He’s just not that into you - he’ll turn up if he doesn’t have a better option or if you chase him (and he doesn’t want to fall out) but he’s lukewarm otherwise. I’d not drop him as you might get another night out at some point, but I’d get a few more guys in my dating rota.

I don’t think it’s an age thing btw - there’s a lot of “texting addicts” who prefer engaging online or typing a few texts.

I like a bit of a text flirt if the person is interesting and witty, but it takes minimum effort to do though and really shouldn’t be taken seriously - there’s NO expenditure of time or money or resources involved. Look up “breadcrumbing”

I think “what value is this guy adding to my life?” is quite a good question to ask of any guy you meet.

Original poster

SandraTheBee · 25/11/2018 17:06

You're quite right. I need to hear all of this.

He's basically not putting effort in, for whatever reason.

I can't work out why he's bothering at all though as it's not as if he's getting anything from this- he doesn't want to go out, doesn't want a shag, or indeed appears to want anything from this.

I could understand it if a bloke was stringing someone along for an occasional date and sex if he suited him and he didn't have a better offer. How ever shitty, I can understand it.
What is the point of texting me?
I actually just want to ask him what he wants- I won't though.

OP posts:

Equalityumber · 25/11/2018 17:18

He probably just wants a bit of attention in all honesty.

Either way your first date was hardly magical. Listening to someone bang on about their awful ex all evening? No thank you.

Original poster

SandraTheBee · 25/11/2018 18:37

yeah

OP posts:

cowfacemonkey · 25/11/2018 18:40

Sounds like he’s enjoying the ego boost. I would keep replies to texts casual and wouldn’t suggest meeting up again.

cowfacemonkey · 25/11/2018 18:40

Oh yeah and the bad mouthing of an ex so early on? Red flag!

Original poster

SandraTheBee · 25/11/2018 18:43

He didn't actually bad mouth her at all. She sounds dreadful though. keeps splitting up with him ( over a period of 10-years) then getting back with him. I told him he was a mug.
This thread is really helping to get some perspective. There's not a lot of positives here are there?
I just really wanted the thrill of dating again and i fancied/fancy him.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 25/11/2018 18:45

He sounds like a knob

Intetesting and attractive, you say ? Raise your bar.

cowfacemonkey · 25/11/2018 18:50

If she sounds dreadful he must have been saying negative things

Anyhoo you’re giving him way more head space than he deserves

Original poster

SandraTheBee · 25/11/2018 18:59

No, he was describing how she dumped him, went out with other blokes then came back to him- repeatedly- he was just saying how painful it was. I drew the conclusion that she was dreadful. I reckon he holds a candle for her still. Time for me to move on.
Thanks for the replies, they have been very useful in sorting my head out.

OP posts:

SendintheArdwolves · 25/11/2018 22:02

I'm too polite not to respond to texts

OK, you need to sort this out for a start - so you HAVE to respond every time he texts you, else you'll somehow be being "rude"?

You can decide when and how to respond to his texts - if you really can't face just ignoring it, then practise leaving a couple of days in between him texting and you responding. Be vague. Reply with a smiley.

You seem baffled as to why he would contact you but not go on a second date. He enjoys your attention and likes knowing that you always respond. He doesn't want to take it further. Having you as an ego boost-backup-plan-possible-future-something is fine by him for the time being.

Arnoldthecat · 25/11/2018 22:13

I am male,,honestly? i'd sack it... This is going no where.

Ozziewozzie · 25/11/2018 22:21

Maybe he likes you but is just a little unsure. When he’s lonely, he likes the idea of you. When he’s got nights out planned he’s not as interested and is on the look out for someone else.
You definately deserve a little more respect than this messing around.
Maybe he just wants to keep his options open. But tell yourself you are worth more than to be one of a few potential options. I used to know someone like this and It’s bloomin draining.

twattymctwatterson · 25/11/2018 22:53

As the book says "If he's not asking you out, he's just not that into you". Don't look for reasons, just block and move on.

SuperSuperSuper · 25/11/2018 23:14

I think that it's a timing issue. I think that this is a non-starter because he's not over his ex. I reckon he's trying to be into you, but isn't really feeling it because he's so keen on her. When you suggest dates, he prevaricates because he knows he's not really up for it. His mates are probably telling him to give you a chance and forget her, and his head agrees but his heart doesn't, yet.

Steer clear.

lifebegins50 · 25/11/2018 23:21

He is only telling you about her behaviour and not why she kept breaking up with him, suspect she gas a story in him...perhaps he strung her along like he is trying to do to you and she would go no contact and then relent.
See it as a positive that you liked someone but forget about him.

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