What could be going on here with this bloke?

[SandraTheBee]

I am a 51 year old single mum with older kids and just now starting to be interested in dating again- I met this bloke( similar age to me) though a mutual hobby, seasonal though and isn't happening at the moment.
Before the season ended I suggested we went for a drink. We had got on really well. This was about 2 weeks ago
We went for a drink and all seemed well, he said he would like to go out again. He asked me to go on a walk, but I was busy. I let him know I'd be up for doing something else later on.
Here's the thing, he will text me a couple of times a week asking how I am, I will suggest meeting up, he seems keen but then never actually takes me up on the offer.
I had decided that he probably wasn't that keen and was letting it all go in my head- he is definitely single, I know that, but has an ex I suspect he is pining for.
He messaged me today asking how I was, telling me about his friday night drinking session with mates. I asked if he fancied meeting up- I wish I hadn't- he then said ' yes let's but I'm still recovering from Friday. This is just after he told me he was going to the pub before dinner.
He lives 5 minutes down the road from me.
I get that he might not want see me again, but why the hell does he keep texting?
What one earth does he want?
This all sounds so bloody Jackie magazine teenage banal written down, but I have never known a man behave like this. I've always been able to read signals well. He's very shy but I think I've given him enough help. Bit fed up now.
Any thoughts?

He possibly thinks you're nice but maybe no spark. Keep it to casual texting.

Btw, did he know the first meet-up was a date? Did you kiss or anything?

Also, he might have some stuff going on i.e. the ex. Or for e.g. I have started OLD and have 2 guys who want to meet, but I'm really unwell at the moment, and rather than just moan at them all day about my illness (it's kinda personal, not something you'd share), I just say, yes, I'd like to meet and then just say I can't closer to the time.

Don't feel you have to be polite. Sounds like he's just texting you for someone to talk to. If he wanted to date you, he would by now. Ignore the texts and if he's keen he will try harder.

You want to start a relationship with the kind of beta male who watched his ex go off with other men repeatedly then took her back again and again....and still "holds a candle for her"...?

Sounds like a real catch....

Each to their own I guess.

I know it's nearly 2019, but let the man lead. If he's truly interested, he will contact you and make the suggestions to do things.

Big red flag is whinging about his ex on a first date. Very unattractive.

Pretty sure you wouldn't reply to spam just to be polite.

I think he's messaging you to boost his own ego even though he has no intention of going out. He clearly enjoys the prospect of you "wanting" him.

Thanks for all your thoughts they are really helpful.

I was in an abusive relationship for years, Left my ex 6 years ago- so basically for nearly 20 years I haven't had a decent relationship with a man.
Me asking him out was a huge step- it meant my confidence was coming back . I had felt so shit about myself that I couldn't believe anyone would find me attractive.

I very much went into it with an open-end .
The thing is I've never come across a bloke like him before.
But now I am feeling quite cross.

A PP is right that my bar is set too low, but it is better that I have a bar, finally.
I am being messed around.

He isn't the sort of man I would have gone for pre ex days, but I figured I should try and widen my horizons.
He did kiss me when we finished our date and said how much he wanted to go out again.

Still his actions speak volumes. For whatever reason he doesn't want to go out with me.

God knows how I'm going to meet someone else- perhaps I should just practise speaking to men generally in a completely friendly non-dating sort of way.

OK I’m going to help you out here because I am going through exactly the same thing! He texts me practically everyday but is so reluctant to meet up - only asks me last minute (which he knows I won’t do) and if I do get him to ask me in advance he invariably comes up with some BS excuse and cancels!

It had me stumped because I wasn’t initiating the texts and thought, as you are, why on earth is he contacting me if he is not interested?

After much googling I can across a really good website by a dating coach geared towards women over 40. Have a look at some of the following articles on that site and it will tell you all you need to know:

If He Keeps Texting Me Does He Like Me? Understanding Men

If He’s Not Interested, Why Does He Contact Me? (And More!)

Dating Over 40: Beware of this Guy

Why Did He Text Me Out of the Blue? Understand How Men Think

He Texts Me Everyday, But Doesn’t Ask Me Out

Why Does He Text Me Out of the Blue and What Should I Do?

Thanks- I'll have a look. Am happy to learn as much as possible

what's the name of the site?

To be honest I would find the recovering from Friday on Sunday but going back to the pub off putting in itself. If his ex has recently split with him, is he still "getting over" it by being at the pub a lot and drinking? If he does fancy you then he is choosing the pub on a hangover over you (and surely would just invite you if you're nearby).

I would cool off the texting and move on yourself. He does sound like he's using you for an ego boost and/or game playing a bit with the mixed messages.

Sorry! Site is called Nevertoolate.biz

I have been in this EXACT situation. It really played with my head. With the benefit of time and distance I see know that he wasn't that into me but quite lonely so wanted someone to talk to.

I think he actually needed friends as well.

@MissBanner, I'll bet yours is married and can only sneak off at the last minute.

That site is really useful thanks.

Today I feel cross rather than confused. I realise I had been making all sorts of excuses for his flakiness when actually he just isn’t prepared to put any effort in for whatever reason.
I also realise that I have put up with a couple of shit female friendships due my own low self esteem and I should have given them the heave ho long ago.

I feel angry too. I don’t know what it is about these men. No woman I know would string along a man they weren’t interested in just because they wanted an ego boost. But according to that website it’s very common for men to do it. And actually it’s really unkind. “Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts and don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours” and all that.

He just texted me again- he's never done that 2 days in a row- to tell me a famous person came into the pub( he didn't invite me to have a drink in last night)

I decided just to treat him as a'friend' I don't expect anything from. It made the interaction far easier for me. I could take the piss out the situation and not care what he thought.

sorry for the rambling- something has shifted. I can choose to interact, because I have stopped hoping on that level. I can choose to reply or not and have a little play around- because I am no longer invested.
That's bloody liberating and makes me feel in control once again.
Thanks everyone

Well done OP

Good to have low expectations about him so you aren’t left feeling messed about. Anything more is a nice little bonus then.

I would say he likes the ego boost also like a pp said he seems to be in the pub a fair bit.

Good to reAd you will choose when you reply. I’m all for letting them wait till you are good and ready. Onwards and upwards 😁

I think that approach is OK as long as you don’t let him take up any headspace inbetween times! He shouldn’t really get to text you for an ego boost/attention/emotional support/to alleviate boredom - access to you and your time is a privilege which he should have to earn!

Another good thing to look up on YouTube is “Matthew Hussey - Minimum Possible Investment” which demonstrates how these guys will throw you breadcrumbs and how you shouldn’t respond to them!

I’ve decided to cut off my guy because although I am not actually spending much time at all with him in person, he is taking up a lot of time in my head and a lot of emotional bandwidth, which he doesn’t really deserve.

Welll done.

I think what is wrong with these men is low levels of emotional intelligence/maturityas society allows men to succeed in life without having to demostrate emotional intelligence.
They can pursue careers & sports ruthlessly and be deemed successful so never have to develop authentic relationships.
I don't think it's the same for women.

I need to meet more men.