DV? I’m confused. Please give opinions

[nonicks]

I’m so upset. Me and OH sometimes row, as what happens when you live together. My children have heard our words sometimes but last Sunday morning it took on a whole different level.

My children were at their dads so they didn’t hear anything.

I’ll try and keep this short but after me and their dad split I got with someone who used to emotionally and physically assult me. A very angry man who wouldn’t accept that I couldn’t take anymore. I will add that I never lived with him, my children never saw what he did to me but they were exposed to him stalking me, he broke us.

I moved on. Concentrated on my children, but was broken inside. Dated a bit (my children were not exposed to this), I’ve now found someone who I thought was the one, I know it sounds crap but I really thought he was.

He’s told me he’s cheated in the past. He gave his reasons. I must admit it was a red flag but I believed and tried to understand his reasoning behind it all although I did say if things were that bad then maybe he could have just left. Not my place to judge though.

He is very flirty, if I’m honest it makes me feel insecure. He’s told me too much I think which is my problem.

We had a huge row last Sunday morning (my children were not here) It got physical. He always threatens to leave me if we row. He tried to walk out and push me out of the way, I tried to stop him by trying to hold him and pathetically begging him not to go, it ended up with him telling me to leave him alone but I was so upset I wouldn’t let it go as I want honesty and not to be lied to, I know he lies about stupid stuff which messes with my head. It ended up with him strangling me, pushing me backwards over my coffee table. That really hurt me. I was on the floor, he was walking out, I grabbed his leg and begged him again not to go, he was so angry he stood on my chest with both feet, I heard something crack. I’ve been in pain ever since.

I’m so ashamed and embarrassed, I swore I would never allow this to happen again to me. Thing is I know he regrets it and I’m trying to hide the pain from everyone.

I know it’s going to be LTB but I just needed to get it out.

My children have no knowledge of this, they are my priority. I just feel so lost and alone. Sorry it’s long.

I couldn't read and run.

You really need to cut ties with him. Next time he might do this infront of your dc or kill you x

have you been to hospital or the doctors?

I can't think of anything to say but many of us have been in similar situations which, with hindsight, we wonder why and don't know why we didn't walk out or kick out.

Am so sorry for you, nonicks. I really wish you would separate - for good- but know it isn't easy. Take some professional advice.

I promise you, though it hurts to part, it does get better and you can emerge from this a new person. You have to think of your children too, you won't be able to hide it all from them forever.

When you do emerge, please don't jump into a new, committed relationship straight away. Give yourself time.
x

HOLY SHIT

You have to end this, or you could end up dead.

Please finish it, and engage with The Freedom Programme. Your entire template for relationships sounds really fucked.

Think you might have fractured something go to the hospital.

So sorry this has happened but I agree you need to separate ASAP. He's not good enough for you and your children and it'll only get worse. You don't want to leave your children without a mum which is a real risk when there's that kind of violence.
I hope one day you find someone that treats you properly but in the meantime big hugs.

Thank you all. I just feel so pathetic it's embarrassing, I could never admit this in real life. I've read these boards for years and now I'm here.

I haven't been to hospital but I don't think there's much they can do? I've got some heat pads and have read up that it can take about six weeks to heal so I'm sure it'll be ok.

Thank you for reading. I just needed to get it out as I've been bottling it up.

Get the fucker arrested!

I don't want to go down the police route. I just don't understand why I allowed this to happen again. As he said in his anger 'you pathetic freak' 😢 That's how I feel.

He's so loving with me now. Thing is I know, I know it's going to happen again. Didn't want to say this either and didn't want to drop feed as initially I wanted to post about what happened but he's got me into so much debt. Why did I trust? That is pathetic.

He stood on you? After he strangled you? Bloody hell woman this man will kill you if you let him stay in your life. Please please report him. Please please get help. Please please get him out of your life.

This is no way to live your life.

Please go to hospital to be seen.

Battered women eh?
Textbook scenario 😔

Textbook?
Thank you everyone for your advice.

Yes OP. The horror stories that you read and then realise you are the starring character.
Get away from him.

Please stop calling yourself pathetic. It isn't true, you have been badly abused and mistreated by more than one man. That is NOT your fault, though I suspect there may be a lack of good role models for relationships when you were growing up?
You need to realise that this man is anything but good for you and get him out of your life completely. It sounds like you don't have children with him so that makes it simpler. I am not sure what debts you have incurred because of him or what your living arrangements are but it will all be better without him around. 'Let' him leave or make him go.
I agree you should report the assault but it isn't as important as making yourself self and starting to show your kids what a strong and independent woman you actually are. You certainly write well and clearly.
You will get lots of support here.Good luck!

None of this is your fault.
No decent bloke would ever ever treat you that way. He is scum
You are not pathetic, he is that he feels he can do this to women.
You dont desert this, none of it, and there is far better out there. Someone who wouldn't dream ofmlayi g a finger on you.
You have been severely ground down to think you can't have better and pathetic.

Its always his fault. Remember that.
You must be in horrible shock, and you need to look out for yourself.
It is important, for your own safety, that you let the police know of this incident and get a marker on your phone and address in case this happens again and they need to get to you as a priority.

Please don't be one of the two or three women killed, every week! You have DC who need you, and love you. Give your love and life to them. Wishing you every strength to keep safe

Thank you all. I'm trying so hard to get my head around it all. I don't want to be the victim, I don't want to be that person but it's really hard to take control.

I've always been passive. I know I need to grow some and stand up for myself but I genuinely find it hard. Can't believe I've even shared this, I just needed to get it out there, just wanted to be heard.

My children are my priority so I know I have to think clearly as if they ever saw that it would scar them for life. I carry so much guilt for me and their dad separating but he never treated me like that and we are really good friends.

Just lost my way. Thank you all

Does any of this ring bells?

You definitely don't need to grow balls. This is about his abuse. You need to work out how to stay safe, urgently.

How to safely extricate yourself from him, and I think its going to take support and advice and validation for you.
You're not in the wrong, he is, and it isn't a good idea to start challenging him on things, when you know this, and worse, happens so easily, so quickly.

Call was as soon as you can and get some RL support and concrete advice on what to do next and how to access help for you all.

*WA

Sorry don't know how to link

BitOfFun - that cycle just about sums it up although I do challenge him initially if I feel I'm being lied to but it always goes bad.

ChristmasSprite - I will call WA. I should have done ages ago but I did call Samaritans who were really good and gave me time and spoke to me.

Thank you

So sorry this has happened to you, it sounds so so similar to an experience I had with an ex, with the 'love bombing' strangling and the getting me into debt, plus trivial lies and obsessed with what other people thought of him, he also had problems with intimacy. I have been rid of him years now best thing I ever did, took me a long time to see just how bad he was and 3 of his exes including the mother of his daughter all warned me off him but I didn't listen did I

Actually Bit0fFun that image you posted is making more and more sense to me. I never realised it was recognised like that? Thank you

Lauren83 - sounds so much like what is happening to me. I just want him to be honest and not get angry. Ive given my all and I just feel so desolate, hurt and stupid 😔 I'm glad you got away

You cannot see things the same when you are in this fog. Its why you blme yourself for it going wrong, and feels impossible to escape.
WA will help you escape, they surely will.

Be safe love.. You are not alone. Many experiences shared with other women .

How do I link names? Just want to reply to people personally in my responses but not sure how to do it.

ChristmasSprite - thank you. I just feel so worn out, tired and sad. I don't want to feel like this.