Husband left me and our 3 kids, cannot cope

[Manda909]

The past 6 weeks have been utter hell for me and my 3 children. My husband left us at the begining of october 😢😢 his reasons were he doesnt love me anymore and is not happy. We have been together for 28 years since school and he was my bestest friend my soulmate my life. We did have normal arguments and fall out but i loved him and if i ever thought he was unhappy i would of instantly tried to fix what i could. He has been down with work. He hates work. I found out he was having councilling for it, my FIL told me which upset me because we told each other everything. We have been through hell and back. I have Lupus and put up with being fine then being really ill. Ive been depressed this year and had time off work for it in May. All this and he was the most caring supportive husband. I often asked if i was a burden but he always said never. Im dying without him. I miss him so much. Everything reminds me of him. I want to know how he is if he is ok if he has eaten properly if he has slept well. The pain is unbearable. For the past 6 weeks ive slept and cried and thats about it. Im a mess. I dont want anything or anyone but him. Im just about feeding the kids but thats it. Im struggling and i cannot ever see how i can get over him when i love him so much. I have the crisis team coming out to me daily as i had to cry for help after taking a rather large overdose of painkillers. I feel no different at all. 2 weeks ago i found out he was texting a mum i knew from one of our childs school. I was furious because she had upset my friend and i didnt like her but for him to text her and tell her he is single made me want to kill myself even more. This isnt my life at all its a nightmare. I cannot wake up in the morning without feeling im having a bad dream. He likes her apparently but you cant help who you like. I cannot stop thinking what will happen when they meet up or get together. Why do that at our sons school under our noses. I just cannot cope. I dont know what to do. I just want to feel better. He keeps telling me to move on but i cant not yet. I love him so so much. But she is killing me. He knew i didnt like her. What can i do 😢😢

I hate to say this, but he had probably been texting this woman before he left. Men don't seem to want to leave a marriage and then live on their own; they have to prep their next partner first so that they aren't alone.

It's probably worth googling "The Script" as it might help his actions make sense. I'm so sorry, I know how awful this feels as my exh left me for someone I thought was a friend.

Tbh blueangel1 i heard from another mum at school it was when he told me it was. And she didnt reply because she thought he was still with me. Not being funny but you wouldnt message your kids mates dad would you weather they're single or not. He has been suspisious not leaving his phone anywhere the past few weeks before he went.

OP - I am sorry.
You have 3 children. NO man is worth killing yourself over - when you have kids.
They actually need you.
You can live without him, you are just used to him.

With all respect - get yourself on anti-depressants, or smth and get your life back.

Get as much help as you can (Drs or counselling etc plus friends to lean on). Try and not think about him and what he's up to. He's already shown is colours by leaving and texting the woman. Try and focus on your wonderful kids. They need you, their dad has already let them down..

He only thing that is going to make you feel better is time. I know you won’t believe me but I promise you, you will not feel this bad in a few months time.

Please speak to your GP and ask about antidepressants. Your children need you. Now more than ever. You have to be strong for them. Do you have any real life support?

Thankyou everyone. I am seeing Drs and support workers daily as i needed the help. They are bringing me my medication monday and are putting me on Citalopram. I really hope i hate him soon because i honestly cannot live with this pain. I have got a good support network. My parents live around the corner and are here in a flash if i need them to be. My best friend reminds me daily he isn't worth it. His mum and i are very close. He is living at his parents and she will never stop inviting me round for sunday dinner. The good thing is 'she' will never be welcome. I know theyve not met up yet because shes only kust kect her husband and shes told a friend shes not ready yet. What she doesnt know is that i get to hear what she says from a friend.

He's been a massive part of your adult life so no wonder you feel lost without him. But I'm afraid I agree with the others; it does sound like he was seeing or at least becoming emotionally involved with this OW. It is a good point that you get on with his mum and she is being supportive. Is he perhaps having some sort of mid life crisis? Unfortunately I think you need to accept that he isn't coming back - and that he has treated you very badly. For which you should feel angry about. Think of your support network. Allow yourself to feel stronger - this doesn't mean moving on, or forgetting about it, or even that you've been "wrong" so far. It means very slowly putting your head back together and very slowly putting a foot out in the forwards direction. Not punishing yourself and expecting him to feel the pain.

Do ask your parents to come over if you are feeling down

You can do this, you are strong enough, and if you're not feeling strong enough... You know the saying.... fake it til you make it

Yeah he had her lined up before he left you.
Men don't leave unless they have a warm bed to go to.
Never take him back is my advice and be kind to yourself.

I agree with PPs he will have left because of another relationship. Its hard i know my exH did the same. I was in a bad way thought id never get over it I was 35 and had been with him since 17. It was almost physically painful thinking of him and her and one day in the first few days i drove past them walking hand in hand down the road. I got some meds but never took them and slowly day by day i got better. You should almost treat it like an illness look after yourself be kind to yourself and get support. Great you have parents on hand and great friends - let them help you. slowly in time (dont think too far ahead its scary) it will get better. Years later am much happier now than i was with my exh with a new partner and DS. Your children need you more than ever. Focus on them. Do nice things with them, enjoy them. But dont torture yourself thinking of exh and OW together its hard not too i know. You will be happy again and life will be easier

Right first of all he is living at his mums. He works and stays in his bedroom. His mum says he doesnt go out anywhere and ive heard from other mums at school he has only been texting. He has never been to her house she has a son same age as ours. I hear what she says on a daily basis. She hasnt slept with anybody and isnt ready yet. They are only texting. Ive not put this post on here for you all to judge him. Ive put it on for help and how to get over it. I dont need anyone telling me this n that. I know all the facts. All i know is that she wouldnt text him back until she knew he wasnt with me.

I physically cannot do anything. I cannot get out of bed in a morning without screaming. Im 43 and been with him since i was 15. I dont want a new life now. I am struggling so much with my children. I have no one to take them so i get a break i only have the time theyre at school. I know you all want me to hate him and for texting another woman in the first place should be enough but i just cant. Not yet anyway. Im off work for god knows how long. Im terrified to leave the house and im a shaking mess. Its like a nightmare but im waking up to it 😢😢😢

I'm not sure why folks are trying to make this worse for you by saying he was likely having an affair before he left. WTAF difference does it make other than causing you more pain.

Bottom line op is you need to start to think about you and your kids. This man wasn't your life, you've had threee kids, brought them
Up, you have more going for you than him. Try to think of the positives, what you do have,friends, family, people who love you, who care for you and try to see him for what he is, not that man you thought he was.

Be strong and take care of yourself. Sounds awful!

Yes thats my point. They shouldnt be doing that in front of my nose. I cant even imagine going to that school anymore. Im thinking of changing his school. I dont let him drop our son off or pick him up anymore i told him he will never set foot in that school as long as hes texting her x

I don't think any of this matters. He has left you. You don't want him back (do you?) so you need to get on with your life. As PPs have said, head down, one foot in front of the other, look after your children and yourself and time will do the rest.

Fuck him.
You will be fine and better without him.

There isn't nothing more to say. Your kids need you though , they really do. They care about you and love you. I care as well. It would be so sad if anything were to happen to you. Honestly.

Try and relax and treat yourself as well as you possibly can.

I understand you are devastated OP and you have a broken heart but you're being utterly selfish. Your children need you, they haven't asked for their dad to up and leave and will be missing him and be confused. You need to put your big girl pants on and be a mother to them. Their feelings need to come first, he's left them not just you and they need your support.

Who cares who he's texting or seeing, and when it started, you are now broken up and you need to start picking up yourself up. Remember, you still have your children with you, he doesn't, you're already winning.

OP, this may sound harsh but I mean it all in the kindest way possible.

You’re a 43 year old woman with kids. These kids need you. I understand your life has been turned upside down and you’re hurting more than words could describe, but it’s not all about you it’s about your kids aswell.

With regards to your husband and this woman, the only people who know all the facts are him and her. Trust me, you can’t believe anything from anybody. Chinese whispers and all that..

Stop trying to kill your self. Stop thinking of changing your kids school because of this woman. You have to think of your kids and when parents are splitting up they need as much stability as possible.

You have no right to dictate what he can and can’t do with the kids. You cannot stop him doing anything. You can’t control his life. If he wants to start seeing a mother from the playground then he’s completely able to, and using your kids to control what he does is absolutely wrong and you have no right to do that. He is still their father, they will be missing him and will still love him as much as ever. If you continue using your kids to control who your husband sees, like you already are doing, then the only person they’ll grow up to hate will be you.

It’s time to start getting a grip and control of your life. Put your kids first

As others have said all of your adult life has been spent with him of course it will be hard and it probably means that you didn't get a chance to feel the pain of separation and betrayal previously, so you won't have learnt coping mechanisms.

As a child my parents used my siblings and I as pawns because they didn't have the emotional maturity to keep themselves in check. Don't be that parent it's so damaging to your children.

Your EX has behaved appealingly, I notice he gets to swan off, to make a new life for himself while your tied down with all the responsibility but that doesn't give you the right to do the same and move the kids schools or dictate how they interact with their father, unfortunately you have be the stable adult & take the high road for their sake. If you want revenge then get it by having an amazing life without him, I'm sure people are reporting back to him how badly you are doing which will probably feeds into his self esteem.

You can do this

He will soon realise the grass isn't greener and by then you will be stronger and independent from needing him.
You don't need to know he's ok, you need to make sure you are ok and your children.

He has been a huge part of your life and it is hard to imagine life without him by your side but he has made a choice not to be with you. As sad as this is you will get through it and you won't need him by your side.

Your children need you to be strong, they will see their mother cope with whatever life throws your way. Don't think about this other woman, if it's not her it will be someone else. There is no need to move schools and you need to hold your head up high. Get out of bed, do your hair, makeup, whatever makes you feel good about yourself.
If you need a break at weekends then he can have the children at his mums house? They are his responsibility too and I'm sure they want to see him.
Be brave, the pain will ease and it sounds like you have great support around you xx