Husband left me and our 3 kids, cannot cope

[Manda909]

The past 6 weeks have been utter hell for me and my 3 children. My husband left us at the begining of october 😢😢 his reasons were he doesnt love me anymore and is not happy. We have been together for 28 years since school and he was my bestest friend my soulmate my life. We did have normal arguments and fall out but i loved him and if i ever thought he was unhappy i would of instantly tried to fix what i could. He has been down with work. He hates work. I found out he was having councilling for it, my FIL told me which upset me because we told each other everything. We have been through hell and back. I have Lupus and put up with being fine then being really ill. Ive been depressed this year and had time off work for it in May. All this and he was the most caring supportive husband. I often asked if i was a burden but he always said never. Im dying without him. I miss him so much. Everything reminds me of him. I want to know how he is if he is ok if he has eaten properly if he has slept well. The pain is unbearable. For the past 6 weeks ive slept and cried and thats about it. Im a mess. I dont want anything or anyone but him. Im just about feeding the kids but thats it. Im struggling and i cannot ever see how i can get over him when i love him so much. I have the crisis team coming out to me daily as i had to cry for help after taking a rather large overdose of painkillers. I feel no different at all. 2 weeks ago i found out he was texting a mum i knew from one of our childs school. I was furious because she had upset my friend and i didnt like her but for him to text her and tell her he is single made me want to kill myself even more. This isnt my life at all its a nightmare. I cannot wake up in the morning without feeling im having a bad dream. He likes her apparently but you cant help who you like. I cannot stop thinking what will happen when they meet up or get together. Why do that at our sons school under our noses. I just cannot cope. I dont know what to do. I just want to feel better. He keeps telling me to move on but i cant not yet. I love him so so much. But she is killing me. He knew i didnt like her. What can i do 😢😢

There are 2 separate things here. Your husband left you. He has been clear that he isn't coming back by telling you to move on. He isn't giving any hope of a reconciliation. You are used to him being in your life, but he is just a man. Not your whole life or reason for being. Acknowledge that and make a plan for coping with single life. Heartbreak is horrible, but you must know people who separated and saw them move on?

The second thing is texting. He could text twenty mothers at your children's school. It doesn't change that fact that he has left you, is living a single life and (planning a divorce?). Yes, texting a woman you know and dislike is humilating, hurtful and causes extra unpleasantness. But he is showing you his intentions.
How likely are you to cope with being the main carer to your children? Is that something you want? Start thinking about these things and put only the needs of your children first. Filling your head with thoughts of the other woman only makes you absent from your children. It's a toxic mindset. Let him go.

You're so used to depending on him you have forgot how to do it for yourself. It could be a blessing in disguise.

OP I say this kindly but, stop being so selfish....talking about moving your boy out of school because you will see this woman (who may or may not start a relationship with your ex). What in earth is that going to do to your son.....his dad has left home, his mother is in bits and now he’s being moved to a new school and having to try to make new friends.......seriously do you realise what you could do to him.

Start by taking control, which you have the ability to do and if that means taking antidepressants then take them. Start by being a mother to your children, don’t let them down, they need you, they should be your number 1 priority and to enable you to do that you need to look after yourself.

Yes it’s going to be hard without your husband because you have when with him for so long, but your replying on him to make you happy and the only one that can make you happy is you.

Thankyou everyone. Firstly im not selfish. I have had the worst year being ill. Ive put my kids first everysingle day. Im the one who always looks after them. I never get a break. I was supposed to go to my sisters while he came and looked after them but he had a hangover and refused. He has had them 3 afternoons in 7 weeks. He never rings he never arranges stuff he never texts to see how they are. Its me i text him pictures of them. I tell him to take them to the pictures or bowling. Im the one telling him to make time. So if anyone things im selfish get lost. Im the only person who has given my kids anything this last few weeks no one else. Ive held down my job and suffered with my illness to eventually having a breakdown at work so im sorry if its upset you but i think im doing a damn good job considering

Thanku Shepherdspieisminging its certainly isnt a choice having a breakdown. As for school that is my choice x

Im not going to anymore. If he chooses her over his kids then thats his choice but i wont be running after him. He was so nasty today. We got invited for dinner at his mums. I asked him if it was ok and he said yes but spent most of the day upstairs. Fuck him. The more i hate him the easier it is. Thanku for you kind words Shepherdspieisminging you are amazing xx

While your MIL is being kind in inviting you over, it is not at this time HELPFUL to you. Would she bring Sunday dinner over to you instead and mind the kids for a few hours while you sleep or get out of the house even to the cinema on your own? Would she come over midweek and do a bit of laundry or shopping for you?

You have everything on your plate at the moment, and I am so sorry for your situation. Try to pick two things that will make life better this week. Eg - Sunday dinner cooked by MIL, and pizza delivery on Wednesday.

When life caved in on me, a friend reminded me - how do you eat an elephant? One small bite at a time.

Shepherdspieisminging who says im getting revenge ?? They need to grow up. Stop judging. Ive ask for help not to be judged 😡😡

Thanku x you are amazing 😘😘

Ok so I get the anger..who wouldn't be? Don't use your kids to reap revenge though..he's still their dad and it's nothing to do with his relationship with him.

this kind of deep emotional reaction is similar to grief - totally overwhelming, painful, devastating. But the good news is that it is a process. Anger will come at some point too.

Right now you need to focus inwards on you and your kids and to help and support each other through this. Have you stopped to think what it's like for your kids to see you screaming and wailing? what has their reaction been to him leaving? However little or big they are you need to talk to each other, listen and support one another. You can be each others' rock. separately you will be weak and vulnerable, together you and your kids will be strong and invincible.

every day get through the basis - get up, wash, clean teeth, put on clean clothes, make the bed. have breakfast. get a routine going. get outside to do some walks in the open air - it gives perspective, time to think and exercise - all of which help to stave off depression and suicidal thoughts.

mindfulness is also wonderful - start easy. get a cup of tea. hold it in your hands. how does it feel? smell it. feel the smoothness of the cup, the heat as it touches your lips, the taste and how your mouth responds. concentrate on the minutiae. sounds bonkers but it's really, really calming as it fills your head (temporarily) with the tiny stuff so the big stuff isn't in there swirling around causing mayhem. there are apps like Headspace to help too.

plan (with your kids) something to do together next Saturday and Sunday. make it different to your usual routines. Start to gently establish the new family dynamic. cook something different for dinner. research a recipe online with the kids, shop for the food, prep and cook it together. snuggle up.

the one thing you can't do is control him or what he is now doing. Take care and control of you and your kids. your path will become clear. it will. Happened to me, and 20 years on it was the best thing that ever happened to me - i'm strong, self sufficient, in love, and happy - a stark contrast to the blubbering wreck I was when he walked out with one of my friends, having already bought a house together (!).

you can do this, there is so much to gain. find your strength, hug your kids and move forward. your scary - but brilliant - new life is waiting when you are ready. Carpe Diem.

There is lots to this awful situation but what the hell is going on that he has had the kids three afternoons in seven weeks???

Why isn't he looking after them? Tell him, this is what happens when you want to split up - you have to have the kids for the weekend/night etc. I know he is at his parents house but can the kids stay over there? Or at least go for the day?

It's one thing to opt out of your marriage but you have to tell him he is not allowed to opt out of being a dad!

This would then give you a brreak to try and start to heal.

What was he like as a dad when you were married?

I an imagine the kids may not want to see him. How old are they op?

OP it's hard. I've been there, I really have. I used to plan where I could move away on my own and never come back, but that passed. It does pass and you will be so glad you didn't act on those dark thoughts.