Can't pleasure him & other sexual issues - what can I do?

[RubyN]

Dating this guy I adore for 2 months. First time we slept together he couldn't get hard & that was that (nerves I think and he is a 23 yr old virgin).

So I invite him for round 2 and he does get hard this time thankfully. It is my first time with an uncircumcised penis & I just don't seem to know what to do with it to get him to orgasm. He showed me what to do with his hand & the grip is very firm, almost uncomfortably for my arm, & he says he uses a 'specific' technique. In the end I asked him to show me what he likes but he gave up after masturbating for several minutes. He tells me he can orgasm when alone.

Now not to blow my trumpet but I know I'm pretty great at BJs, so I think this is the golden ticket as I could be firm if that's what he lies. But a minute or 2 after beginning he asks if we can talk. He tells me he was sexually abused by a classmate as a very young child & that he only 'remembered' this in therapy this year. So that's that method out of the window!

Now he treats me like a queen in bed, but I feel guilty that I'm the only one being satisfied. He says it will get better with time, but will it? If I can't pleasure him with a simple touch.

Aside from that I adore him and this was the first weekend we spent both Fri & Sat together. We are very affectionate in and out of bed. But I know full well sex is important and he has obviously gone through a hard time.

Get out now. This kind of relationship is going to involve you losing your self-worth as you try to satisfy someone who isn't satisfiable. He's more in tune with his hand than women, and you don't have to be the woman who fixes him. These men usually come with porn problems and more, FYI.

Well...maybe, but I don't know for sure he has porn problems. I agree it could be detrimental to my self-worth if I can't satisfy him.

That said, we haven't had intercourse yet, so I don't know how that will go. I don't meet people I have this type of connection with/I feel this way about every day. So I'm reluctant to throw in the towel right now but also don't want to spend too long on something that can't be resolved atm.

Death Grip. He's used to very firm pressure from his hand.

Just enjoy it.

I’m trying to picture a young man tied up in emotional knots of angst because he’s the only one climaxing.

Have fun, and stop overthinking it. If it doesn’t resolve itself in time, then revisit the situation.

Counselling, if he's an important person to you and you want it to work?

OP - he is a virgin and still very young. So - just relax and let it all develop naturally...
It’s not a Death Grip, not yet anyway...
It’s more likely in his head - and pressure he puts on himself and worrying about what you’d think and all that.
All - can be cured with time and NOT focusing on it.

You mentioned hand/b-js... how about the good old

Also - don’t make it a big deal about circumcised or not - there isn’t really a difference to how and what you do with it. Maybe the tip is a little more sensitive - but it’s so so personal anyway.

Good luck. It’s only been 2 months and you are both young.
You’ll figure it out.

He's probably addicted to jacking off to porn. If he stops that for a week or two he should be ready for normal sex.

He tells me he was sexually abused by a classmate as a very young child

Fucking hell, and people’s first response to this is assume death grip and porn.

Fucking disgraceful.

I would say take it slowly and enjoy it for what it is. Usually we see women on here with the opposite problem, men who want it every day, men who use them and abuse them. You won't have that to deal with...and don't feel any of this is your fault! Relax!

@Joysmum I agree. What happened to "we believe you"?

OP this guy isn't ready for a sexual relationship yet. He's pushing himself way too far beyond his comfort zones.

Encourage him to seek/continue counselling to deal with the trauma, but keep him as a friend, not a lover.

Fuck me, some of you are horrible. He's opened up to the OP (how brave?!) and you suggest leave him and he must have porn issues?

Would you say the same to a woman who has issues around sex and abuse?

OP- be kind, go at a slow pace- read his cues. Just take your time and enjoy it.
If it's a long term thing, you'll both find your groove.

Good luck x

NotTheFordType - I had this conversation with him and he said he DID want to continue having a sexual relationship, just not doing a particular act. He was the one initiating most of it. Obviously I am a bit worried about having sex and him freaking out? Because he realises he wasn't actually ready.

I agree, it was brave of him to open up to me. I suppose the next time things get hot and heavy, I can make it clear that we can go at whatever suits him? So he isn't pushing himself before he's ready. He is in therapy now fyi.

I'm with Joysmum and Nottheford on this one... Shocking double standards from some on here.

Death grip was made up by a journalist. It has no scientific basis so is no different to calling a woman frigid if she can masturbate but suffers from vaginismus with a partner.

OP, it sounds like you both want it to work. Be mindful of the abuse in his past, gently encourage him to seek counselling if he hasn't and see how things go. He is a virgin and has suffered sexual abuse. He isn't going to be a love god from the get go.

Something to bear in mind, he doesn't want you to do a certain act because it triggers him. It is called avoidance and is a symptom of the trauma. Realistically you might need to address the fact that he might never get over this but not yet. Sexual abuse can have lifelong affects.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you both.

RLD

Can't believe some of the replies

OP just follow his lead and go at his pace. It's early days and you could end up having an amazing sex life eventually but there is clearly some hurdles to get over first.

I really feel for him, it must be so difficult.

It's possible for someone to have been abused AND use a death grip/watch porn, you know.

Telling OP the only technique that works for him is a grip that is uncomfortably hard for her to do means there's nothing she can give him that will be pleasurable. No vagina's going to do that. Maybe you can be talked into some anal because he can't come any other way -- the boyfriend I had who used this exact sob story on me (right down to the abuse that somehow cut off another sex act he didn't want anything to do with) made sure this was what he was angling for, so don't be surprised.

Everyone calling shame, shame because women actually dare to tell other women that even men who claim sex abuse victimization could be porn addicts can stuff it. FYI, many of these "remembered in therapy" claims are junk, and researchers have found you can make people "remember" traumatic things that never happened to them with the right verbal cues.

All I can say is, maybe he's for real. Maybe he's genuine.

Watch for the switch.

Watch for the time where he goes from telling you all the things he doesn't want and making you feel like you'll never be able to please him, suddenly coming to an end -- and its replacement, the time when he tells you (usually making a big show of how embarrassed he is) what REALLY turns him on.

This switch is what gets women to betray their own sexual boundaries, hoping to finally, finally please the unpleasable man. Even virgins will tell women what REALLY gets them off is choking a woman during sex. Or calling them names. They'll be sheepish about it, or if they think you're a sex-positive feminist, they'll couch it in the language of kink.

But watch for it, is all I'm saying. Maybe you'll never get "the switch," where suddenly he knows just what he wants and you've been cut off from all other avenues of providing sexual pleasure, so it's either that or nothing. Maybe. Watch out for it anyway.

Great post womb

I (only briefly of course) dated a couple of types like this. They had anxiety, their mother didn’t love them enough, they were coerced into early sex.....

....somehow this all translated IRL to expecting me having to display how cool girl and supportive I was by working like a porn star to keep them satisfied.

For “victims” they sure had a lot of thoughts about how any women they were with could “help them” with that all important recovery task of keeping an erection by spending 50 minutes giving them a hand job or dressing up and dominating them or something very unsatisfactory and weird and a complete turn off for a woman.

It isn’t fucking normal for a 23 year old on a date to have to do all that!

You have a drink and dinner, you go to bed.

for a normal young man, normal PIV sex followed by a cuddle with a woman they’re attracted to should be fine.

How did anything else become “the expectation”?

Have you posted about this before op? I remember a recent thread about non-sex with a virgin and the op was getting frustrated.

Womb, Lapp, you couldn't have more blatantly projected your experiences onto others if you tried. I am sorry if you have had bad experiences. Of course there might be men who use this story. There might be women also... I don't recall seeing anywhere in the OP's post that he pressured her ? He showed her a technique which worked for him. She was considerate enough that she tried it albeit not too successfully. By her own account he seems to be very considerate and making sure she seems to be enjoying it even if he doesn't finish.

If you have had bad experiences with individual men it doesn't mean that every man is like that.

Jeepers; some of these replies are brutal..

many of these "remembered in therapy" claims are junk

And there it is. Fuck you.

You’ve only been together two months, I would perhaps take things slowly and see how it goes. Rather than becoming heavily emotionally invested in a very new relationship.

many of these "remembered in therapy" claims are junk

What an absolute prick you are PP.

Rockluvvindad - yes he has been very considerate and done everything possible to make me feel good. I said he was spoiling me with all the attention and he said 'you deserve it!'.

RE the remembered in therapy thing being junk - my mother had a traumatic experience which did not resurface until 20 years later. I believe him.

It's frustrating for me though. Yes, I tried the technique, he told me I had to be firm - but then after a few minutes I was being 'too firm'! Each time I become more scared to approach doing it again. Because eventually I will be too upset with not being able to pleasure him. I wonder if lube would help the HJ - I've never used lube in 10 years of dating...

The key to handjobs and uncircumcised penises (penii?) is lots of lube. I use coconut oil but that's no good if you're using condoms, you'd need an water based one.

Oh x post there! I meant circumcised penises need lube more, not uncircumcised as you can sort of move the foreskin up and down with those so it's easier.