How did you agree to get engaged?

[loverly]

Hi all,

So backstory:

Bf and I live together and have agreed marriage is in our future. I want to get engaged and I talked to him yesterday to explain why I want to...he has concerns over it being too early (before set number of years together) and before we've really hit the rocks (we don't argue and he's worried at some point we will). My perpective is that with two bereavements and a redundancy this year, if we were going to fall apart with problems we would have done so. Think the bereavement may be influencing how much I want to commit - sudden death makes you appreciate all the more.

So to reassure me - how did you get engaged?

Just under 2 years is not too soon and nobody with any sense will judge you for it. But at 26 there's no real reason why it has to be now rather than in a year or whatever he's saying he wants. Just don't drift into a situation where you're several years older and it's still not happened, if it's something that is very important to you. And don't have a baby first, and if you do then don't give it his surname!

I think if he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn't be saying he was worried.

I dunno, I can see that he might be using that as an excuse for not wanting to do it yet, but I don't think not wanting to start planning a wedding in mid 20s and less than 2 years as a couple shows he doesn't want to be together. It's not like this is one of those posts where they've been together 5 years and got kids and a house together, but he's still yarning on about pieces of paper and/or being traditional.

We spoke about getting married within a few months of getting together as we were living together. At seven months he got onto one knee on Christmas Day, but it wasn't really necessary and felt a bit odd as we had already spoken about getting married. We got an engagement ring in January and we're married in the June, so just over a year together. We are twelve years married now.

I don't understand this "getting engaged" when you already share a life. It's not an actual status in that situation. Just decide to get married, or not. And do it quickly, not some drawn out performance wedding. That sucks all the joy out, in my opinion.
We decided in October and married in February on the 10th anniversary of our first date. It was modest but great fun. And we didn't have to save up or get into debt. 28 years now.

I think he's got a point here. I appreciate that you've had a tough year and want commitment now; but a year is not long. Waiting to closer to two years together seems reasonable; you'll only have loved together for just over a year then anyway.

At the end of the day; he's not quite ready yet. You don't want him to propose because you've goaded him into it; that could be hugely damaging for your relationship.

I think 26 is pretty young these days. D'S friends seem to be marrying between 27 - mid 30s. Thinking traditional white wedding, with extended family and friends. Most of them still follow the move out of flat share to renting as a couple, engagement, buy property, wedding route. No babies yet.

DH and I were a slow burn relationship, we were together five years before we got engaged, partly because we were young (22/23) when we got together so there was no need to rush.

Unlike some other posters I did want to wait for the romantic proposal, after five years I was getting impatient so I dropped some serious hints and DH-to-be made it clear that I wouldn't have to wait much longer (which was true).

I'm very sorry for your loss

FWIW I think it's wise to live together for at least a year before making a big commitment like getting engaged or married, buying a house together or having a child.

With all due respect it's still relatively early days and just because you don't argue now doesn't mean you will never argue about anything. The key thing is whether you have roughly similar values and can agree or compromise on the important stuff. Then when you do argue (when not if!) you will be able to get through it as long as you communicate and treat each other with respect.

It's fine if he doesn't quite feel ready to get engaged and wants to wait a bit longer. It's not fine if he is more worried about what other people think than about how the two of you feel.

How emotionally intelligent is he? What are his parents like, how is their relationship with him and attitude towards you?

I wouldn't be too impatient for an engagement but I would be asking the bigger questions.

FWIW DH and I were together nearly 5 years before we got officially engaged, we had talked about it before that but I was ready before he was, and he wanted to propose, so I had to be a bit patient. I wouldn't have waited indefinitely though.

OP you’ve been together less than a year and are only 26- don’t rush!

I am afraid I also don't understand a need to be engaged. We didn't. Just decided to get married and set a date. We had been together for a few years as we met quite young, but didn't live together until after we married - not as accepted back then. Been married almost 40 years now.

Yes, I think there's been a sort of popular shift in the social meaning of 'getting engaged' -- rather than, 'we have set a wedding date, or are actively working towards doing so in the very bear future', it now seems to be seen as a declaration of a certain depth or seriousness to a relationship, despite now often (usually?) coming after moving in together and having children, and so being weirdly retrospective.

OP

I’m going to take a punt here.

You are using the bereavements as a kind of emotional blackmail to get engaged. Yes? You obviously won’t admit to it but I suspect it is the case.

Fucking harsh!

It's not emotional blackmail, the OP understandably feels more strongly about it since she lost her father.

NEAR future, not bear future.

Harsh
But i reckon true

It's not emotional blackmail, the OP understandably feels more strongly about it since she lost her father.

The boyfriend isn't wrong to prefer to proceed more cautiously, though, either -- they've been together barely a year and moved in together five months after they first started seeing one another, and they're only mid-20s. Why exactly one person is rushing things is not going to matter if the wheels come off.

We were living together. He got a new passport and put his mum and sister down as emergency contacts. So we had a fight about what we meant to each other. By the end of it we were engaged.

Later on, he said he’d put his mum and sister down as emergency contacts because he just assumed if he was abroad I’d be there with him already.

Why are you arguing with me? I already made the point you've just made. We basically agree. I just don't think anyone should accuse the grieving OP of emotional blackmail She is entitled to her feelings, she is not forcing him to do anything so it's not blackmail at all, it's fine.

Cross post

I don't think either are in the wrong. Wanting to get married after experiencing bereavements and not wanting to get engaged when they've only lived together 5 months are both normal and understandable viewpoints.

Exactly

I think the first couple of years together tell you so much about a person. You're trying to hasten the process and you just can't. Until you've been on holiday, shared Christmases, had bad news together, celebrated, met his friends, seen him at a low point etc you just can't know whether he's right for you.

Don't rush things. You know it's a serious relationship - you're living together. You know he wants a future with you. There's no reason to panic. Enjoy these early days together and make a commitment when you actually really know the person you're committing yourself to.

Been together 5 &1/2 years.... moved in together with my 4DC's from previous relationship after 13months, always talked about getting married. We have a 3&1/2 year old together. He asked me what I wanted for Xmas (he's asked me this before with the choice of a ring) this year when I fobbed off the choice of a new car or a break away without the kids and I opted for the ring, he asked me for my ring size and I know the ring is hidden somewhere...... so it's gonna happen over Xmas/new year 🥰☺️😀

First, thanks for all the replies. I'll agree with what Carragheen said most - it is a commitment by itself. He actually surprised me today by bringing it up and asking about 'fiance/fiancee' wording etc...

I can't explain how furious I am though at the idea of emotional blackmail being my motivation. How awful! I hope you never have to deal with a sudden death...of course you look around yourself to cherish your loved ones and show them how much as you realise you could lose them any minute.

I've not put any pressure on him at all - I have explained my reasons and then asked just to keep the conversation open so I know where his head is.