Is my husband a knob?

[series1]

Tonight we were eating dinner. He finished and I was still eating. He then started to say "oh the dog did something naughty today" at which point I glared at him and said "you better not be about to tell me something disgusting whilst I'm still eating"

So as not to drip feed - he has form for doing this, I've lost count of the number of times I've heard that the dog has eaten shit on a walk, or thrown up, or something else stomach churning and he seems to like to share this info whilst I'm eating. He also has form for blurting stuff out, particularly in front of friends/family. Sometimes he embarrasses himself, sometimes he's downright rude. He admits that he has no filter and regularly speaks without thinking.

Anyway, he then got massively defensive and told me that no, he wasn't going to talk about shit whilst I was eating, but thanks for placing so much trust in him (he often comes out with crap like that when he's called out on something) and will defend and deny and very rarely admits to any wrongdoing. It's like dealing with a child.

So I said ok, what were you going to say then? He got up, told me I was being fucking horrible to him and that he wasn't going to tell me and stormed out of the room and ignored me for the rest of the night.

I really wasn't horrible to him, but knowing him as I do, I'm 99.9% certain that yes, he was going to regale me with yet another delightful story about dog shit.

I thought I might as well just go to bed rather than sit downstairs on my own and he came up and asked in a rather concerned voice, what was wrong with me?! I ignored him, I really wasn't trying to be childish but I just didn't know what to say to him. It's just all so ridiculous. He's now sleeping away quite happily and I'm lying here pissed off.

What the fuck is this all about? Why does he do this?

Because he's a big-mouthed, passive-aggressive, crude arsehole. That's why.

I agree.

Fucks sake, I don't know what to do.

Yep. Baring diagnosed conditions, "having no filter" means "I can't be bothered to think about other people's feelings"

That sounds pretty unpleasant OP. Doesn't sound like you'll ever be able to discuss it with him as he's not able to accept a version of his self image which is less than perfect (in this regard anyway).

He feels criticised, can't cope with being in the wrong as it doesn't fit with his self image so he calls you horrible to move the wrong doing from him to you.

Is he nice in other ways?

I think he copped a strop because you stopped his fun. You reminded me of an ex who, whenever I went up to soak in the bath, candles and bubbles, he would come in and crap and stink the place out. Then I would get all the how fucking dare you, you can't stop me using the loo when I have to go.

What do you think? Does it sound like your situation? Clearly he's done it so often that you can now preempt it. He s doing it deliberately. Class knob.

Well, we've certainly had our ups and downs over the years. I've suspected he has aspergers for a long time. He did actually agree with me about 18 months ago that he certainly possessed a lot of traits. It still doesn't make it ok though, we just go around in circles

We’re all knobs sometimes, but most of us would own up to it and apologise. Not make the whole thing worse by storming off then ignoring your spouse for the evening.

Sorry I don’t know much about aspergillosis, but surely people with it don’t ignore others for hours? It just sounds to me like he was sulking.

*aspergers

Actually I lie, he will admit to his wrongdoings, however NEVER at the time of the incident. He just defends himself (then argues that he's not defending himself ) and then the next day he will apologise.

He does have good qualities - but mostly I'm just sick of shit like this happening all the time.

Should I be more understanding given the fact that he clearly has aspergers traits? I really feel like I hate him sometimes though, he infuriates me

Christmas - for all his twatishness, he would never take a dump whilst I was in the bath. However, he regularly pulls stunts like tonight. Both awful

MyKingdom - you have summed him up very well. He doesn't take perceived criticism well at all, even if it's completely deserved.

God I think I need to get out of this marriage.

I don't think you should label someone who is insensitive as having aspergers 😡

I'm sorry, I'm not. There are traits which would seem to indicate that he may be. But I'm only talking about this particular incident right now.

You may be completely right, perhaps he is just insensitive

Would you both be wiling to go to therapy or have you had enough?

We've both been separately but never together. He stopped going around 18 months ago and things have just slid back again. We could go together but my heart isn't in it.

my heart isn't in it

That is it then. Leave or get him to leave.

Yes he behaved like a knob but you are behaving like one too.

God I think I need to get out of this marriage
Really? Over a dog poo conversation that never happened?

My DH would do similar, simply because such 'subjects' don't affect him. For him it's thoughtlessness, not nastiness. His family was the same way, they were just I guess the term is 'earthy' and would tell poo stories and such during dinner and no one would bat an eye. My family on the other hand would never dream of bringing up 'body functions' or gross stories when someone was eating.

The difference is that whenever he says something that starts with "You won't believe....." I say "Remember, I'm eating". If he was going to tell me something gross he immediately stops and says sorry, otherwise he'll just say "No, it's OK and continue on". He can control it and has a 'filter' 90% of the time with the occasional slip up. Your DH just sounds like he doesn't really care if he grosses you out or not.

If your heart isn't in your marriage, then leave. You don't need any other excuse than that.

In our house we have a doctor, a nurse, and two TAs in a special school and an adult with autism.... so poo incidents are a regular topic (the grimmer the funnier)
However DH is NOT any of the above so we contain ourselves by not going on about them when dh is eating...or in the room. It's basic manners!
Your partner is a rude insensitive arse!

Unfortunately he is a prat, he genuinely does not care about ur feelings and what's worse is that he chucks a tantrum when he's quite clearly caught out and then turns it all around on u! Instead of aspergers u should look into narcissism as he sounds just like my H of 15 years, always the victim and ur always the one who would have started 'the fight'. U should just accept that he will not change and have a long hard think about where to go from here, can u live with it or not? The question will be the same in 10 years as he will NOT change.

He sounds like a fucking knob. Hugely passive aggressive. Something is really bothering him, his actions suggest he's harbouring resentment, anger, jealousy and self-loathing. Not pretty. If you let it go on it won't end well. Plus he's a twat anyway, fuck him off 😝

"Should I be more understanding given the fact that he clearly has aspergers traits? I really feel like I hate him sometimes though, he infuriates me."
'Being more understanding' does not mean you have to put up with it. Quite the opposite, possibly.

His behaviour has led to "God I think I need to get out of this marriage." Pretty damned seriously affecting you. Presumably if he did not behave like this, you wouldn't be considering ending your marriage. So, could he change his behaviour? Well, if it was caused by general knobbishness, possibly he could. If he was willing to make the effort. If it was caused by asperger's? Possibly he couldn't. Does the fact that he couldn't change his behaviour mean that you have to put up with behaviour that would continue to infuriate you? No, it doesn't. It's a marriage, not a 'carer'-'cared for' relationship. I have witnessed a marriage where one party felt obliged to stay with someone who 'needed' them. You won't be surprised to learn it did not end well.

You would not be leaving him because he has asperger's (which he also might not have). You would be leaving him because you are not compatible and that incompatibility is not going to change.

It sounds to me like he absolutely WAS going to regale you with something stomach-churning, and then took the huff because you didn't give him the satisfaction of being put off your food. (If he does it regularly, I'd say he definitely gets some enjoyment out of doing just that.) Adults going into huffs - not good. Ever.

He seriously believes that he's a good guy, never does anything on purpose but just doesn't think before he acts.

He is full of excuses/justifications about his behaviour and when I point this out, he is incredulous and tells me repeatedly that he is not making excuses.

The PP who said he's he's harbouring resentment, anger, jealousy and self-loathing. I agree completely - again, he would strongly disagree with all of it which is infuriating

I have also told him repeatedly over the years that I don't think we are compatible. I've said I want to leave many times. He then rallies and says all the right things and finally appears remorseful and then he slips back into the old ways. We have been stuck in this cycle for years.

Yes I think that ultimately I would be happier without him. It's just difficult because we have been together for 15 years. We have a child. It's so hard to walk away from even though I'm so unhappy.

Cycle of abuse
If you walk away tomorrow, you can be happy, leave it behind, as your DC needs to be outside of this, and you both certainly deserve better for yourselves. One life, live it!

You have a child. Think about what behaviour you and he are modelling to your child. Humans are very 'monkey see monkey do'. Do you want to condemn your child to thinking that your marriage is what to expect of married life, and slipping into the same pattern?

And I agree with ChristmasSprite, this sounds like a cycle of abuse. You say he 'rallies' - or rather, he thinks before he acts, which means he can do it IF HE WANTS TO. But he doesn't want to do it, does he? A couple of days to back you off from leaving, but as soon as he's sure you're back in your box he drops it. He prefers being a knob.