Adult child of alcoholic

[lostlalaloopsy]

My father was an alcoholic, he died around 11 years ago. He would go on binges and sometimes disappear for a few days. He worked on the oil rigs so he would usually binge when he was home. Once the binge was over he would be off the drink for a while. He did some crazy things over the years. I was the oldest and became a crutch for my mother. She enjoyed a drink herself - her own father was an alcoholic, but she was never at the state of my dad and always went to work, looked after us etc. She left him eventually whilst I was at university, once I left home he moved all of my stuff out. He ruled the house, always had to be his way whether he was drunk or sober. I feel he obviously some major mental health problems of his own. He died 11 years ago, basically his liver gave up at only 46.

I always thought I was tough and could get through anything, but have really struggled with what I know now is anxiety. I am very conscious of my drinking and have always effort not to rely on alcohol, this was tricky in my twenties.

We often talk about my dad and all the crazy things he would do and laugh. But really most of it wasn’t funny, just quite tragic. I feel so uncomfortable talking about any other aspect of growing up, even writing this has given me severe anxiety. I’ve always thought that none of this affected me, but now in my mid thirties I’m realising what it has done to me. I don’t want it to ruin my life or more importantly my children’s lives. I sometimes feel like I’m just pretending to get on with life and most of the time would rather stay on the sofa.

I have a very good life, 3 beautiful children, hard working husband, lovely house, great job - I just don’t understand why I still feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I am a very sociable person, but struggle to keep friends. I’m an absolute people pleaser and can’t cope with anyone - and I mean anyone - being upset with me, but yet can get so worked up over trivial matters which quickly blow up. And I find it really difficult to just enjoy myself - I always feel like I’m being judged by everyone. I’m very, very hard on myself.

That was very long!! I’m not even really expecting a reply, it just feels good to get it all out!! I’ve been at the drs a few times to get help for the anxiety but I always end up down playing it as I’m worried about being judged. And I definitely can’t talk to my sisters/mother about it, my husband knew my dad and doesn’t really like to talk about it all. Has anyone had a similar experience?

My father drank himself to death. I found it so disturbing. Like a slow suicide. I stopped drinking a couple of years after he died. The fun went out of it tbh...I also suffer from anxiety. It is quite likely we inherited this from our dads, as a lot of alcoholics are actually self medicating anxiety...I think back and feel sad for him. He was a lovely man but his death was so hard on my poor stepmother. He had no interest in stopping by though despite us all loving him and offering help. Anyway...hugs and be proud as you sound like a together, great woman xx

I'm the widow of an alcoholic and my mother is one too - very late onset in her case but nevertheless. What helps me is attending a support group for relatives of people with addictions. Talking to people who have been there, who walk in your shoes, who know what it's really like, is enormously liberating. I'd see if there is a support group near you that you can go to so you have a safe space where you can talk to other people who share your experience. You need to not keep this inside or you won't find your own recovery.

I’m also an adult child of an alcoholic, my mother died of organ failure 4 years ago after a 30 odd year habit. She definitely self medicated her anxiety and depression, it was the only way she could cope with being alive.
Her drinking started during my teens and most of my young adult life was marred by her temper and drinking. My father did little to protect us children, preferring to bury the problem and pretend it didn’t exist. I was the focus of her temper and was expected to go along with her to allow my father the easy life he craved.
I always thought i was a strong, independent person having being had to stand on my own two feet after being viciously thrown out after a particularly bad argument with my mother. My father sat there and allowed it to happen. I coped with all of this and had my own family, thought I had put it all to bed in my mind but since my mother’s death 4 years ago my own anxiety has started to emerge. I don’t drink or smoke, mine manifests itself as some health problems, migraine from teeth clenching and IBS which is triggered by anxiety attack's usually from crowd of people or socialising.
I’m sick to think her legacy still hasn’t left me, I still miss her but hated the drunk her. It’s something I guess I’ll always have to live with.
The anxiety hasn’t been helped by the behaviour of my father, immediately after my mother died he found another woman, my sibling and I found this difficult to cope with as we couldn’t process and grieve our mother properly , my father couldn’t accept this so washed his hands of me. So I effectively lost both parents. Not sure whether I could benefit from counselling or not. I just push it all into a box on a daily basis but that box is becoming harder to keep closed.

I can completely associate with the people pleasing aspect, this is me to a tee. I always seek approval from people, probably as I didn’t get much as a kid, possibly as I always had to be a good child not to upset my mother.

My DM is an alcoholic. We lost my dad when I was a teenager and it sort of started a spiral of neglect and emotional abuse, putting us in awful situations, making me grow up way before I should have. I am a very strong person now because of this, but I do wonder if I am numb to a lot of things as a defence mechanism. I self sabotage though. And over think. I probably do have some anxiety about dying and leaving the children and I have a lot of fears about not knowing how to be a good mum because mine wasn’t always good.

I don’t drink in my own house at all. I find it very upsetting and triggering. I don’t people please, if anything I push them away and hold them at arms length. My DH is a massive support for me because he cuts to the chase and doesn’t pander to or encourage my over thinking, but I do get very angry at all the misses opportunities and things that I should have had as standard - warmth, food, love etc - which I never got. I will make absolute certain my children have a good and stable home, and never make them feel the way I did.

It’s so hard

I’m sorry OP.

Another adult child of a dead alcoholic here. Late onset. 54, no problem with drinking. Couple of adverse life events, self medicated with vodka, dead at 57. It was disturbing to say the least, especially as a 19-22 year old (the period between her starting to be dependent on drink and dying).

Al-anon could help.

This book by melody beattie is good imv
www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ref=plSrch&keywords=melody+beattie+codependent+no+more&dpPl=1&dpID=519eAc0qIzL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1543041259&sr=8-1
I didn't care so much for the follow up book but I see she has written several now and there are YouTube videos by her.
There are ACOA groups here and there in the country but none are near me.

Thank you so much for the replies, I'm so sorry that other people have gone through this. Most of the time I'm fine and just get through. But my daughter had an operation recently and since then the anxiety has just overwhelmed me. I found a few sites about children of alcoholics and I could not believe my eyes as it basically described my whole life for as long as I could remember! I'd always been so proud that I was tough and had just gotten on with it, but I'm now realising that I just pushed it all away and tried to forget about it all. I don't even think I'm even over the grief process and feel very numb, I remember thinking that he didn't deserve my grief but that doesn't really help me in the long run. I probably felt guilty as well as my mother was "relieved" that he was gone. I also don't remember anything from my childhood, the bad stuff sticks out but nothing other than that - not sure if everyone is like that though!

Wow that was long!! Thank you for taking the time to read! My real fear now is that now my children are getting older I've realised that I no real clue on how to parent them. They have nice clothes - something I'm obsessed with as we didn't have any growing up, all the gadgets etc. But I'm finding it hard now they're growing out of toddler/small child and this is probably what I'm most scared of that is when my mum said my dad started to go downhill. Or I could be completely overthinking things as always!

I read a book called 'it will never happen to me' that you might find helpful.

I wouldn't bother telling doctors - try to find a decent counsellor who'll listen and understand and help you work through your feelings. It's hugely traumatic to grow up with an alcoholic parent.

I now have big issues around alcohol and DH drinking. I can't work out what's normal and it's hard for both of us as I get very anxious when he's had just 1-2.

Adult child of dead alcoholic here. Therapy in my 30s helped me. I was a super-coper till then, having been my mother's crutch. Then a relationship broke down and I fell apart, got anxious and depressed. Therapy was immensely helpful and I'm sure that it's helped DH and DD as well. I didn't know how much I needed it till I started. I'll always be conflicted about my parents but I'm better at coping with my own problems and much happier.

They have nice clothes - something I'm obsessed with as we didn't have any growing up, all the gadgets etc
Maybe this is the place to start. Try to work out what most matters to you. To me it was what others thought of me and DCs - poor things they are now the most popular and liked by my peers!! Brought up to be polite and chatty to all instead of brought up to be who they are. I was horribly ashamed of DF, hence the importance of what others think of me.

My parents were alcoholics mother, father, step father - he came with the added issue of paranoid schizophrenia. I had a difficult childhood, until I ran away at 14. Fortunately, I was taken in after some tough sleepibg and carehome by my grandparents, who set about rehabilitating me.

In my adult life at times not handled the after affects of trauma well, I have an abject fear of loosing my home for example. Unfortunately, I married an alcoholic too, and that has presented me with some almost near mind shattering situations.

But. As many have said here, if you can find a support group of people who experienced the same, you will find a lot in common and s lot of support.

I'm now coming to the conclusion that there is so much more of this out there and if we all gave our voice to saying "this is what happened" more would be done.

But I feel for you with what you experience and hope you find a way through it.

OP you could be writing about my childhood, as I too am a child of alcoholics, my mum & Dad were alcoholics.

What you describe is the way I feel, I don’t feel like I fit in or belong anywhere, although I do have a group of absolutely fantastic friends so I’m very very lucky that way.

I have been thinking I should maybe attend a Al-Anon meeting as I do have a few issues because if my childhood, but not sure if I could actually attend as I don’t actually live with my parents now, however, I know my childhood has made me have issues throughout my adult life.

Darling you sound like my ex husband. Have you heard of ACOA? It’s a support network called “Adult Children of Alcoholics”.

Check it out.

You sound like you’ve made life a success which is what I hope for XH now... he was ruined by his dad, similar situation to yours but is now remarried with a baby.

The spectre of growing up with an alcoholic parent looms large. Never ever swerve therapy because it takes years to unpick your childhood and square it in your head to not live in fear you will end up like THAT apparent or you end up crazy overcompensating as you don’t want to be the draconian terror you grew up with.

Look up the British Counselling directory for specialists in ACOA.

If you live where I suspect you may then there will be a few.

GOOD LUCK x

I was going to post about the organisation ACA (adult Children of Alcoholics [and dysfunctional families ])

But found a lot here

Calamityjac you can absolutely attend al anon. The only requirement is that you’ve been affected by someone close to you drinking. It doesn’t have to be a relative or cohabitee. Go for it. I went a couple times, it wasn’t really for me but that’s more because I felt I’d already worked through everything I could have needed help with for myself. I sat at the back of the room and cried silently and didn’t say a word both times. Once while she was alive and once when she’d died.

Wow I've found this thread so helpful, especially the website links and books. I'm an adult child of two alcoholic parents. My dad died aged 43 a very long time ago and I lost my mum 6 months ago as a result of alcohol related illnesses. I have always felt very isolated and judged too. I rarely tell anyone about my experiences. The death of my mum has rocked me to my core. I've also always suffered from anxiety in various degrees of intensity but just keep going. As awful as this sounds it's good to see I'm/we are not alone. Well done op, so brave x

You guys have got to talk talk talk talk talk as not talking means it stores up and can manifest itself in behaviours that can be destructive; both overtly and covertly.

I loved my husband so much but we were somewhat ill-matched; he was seeking parenting in a way but was also hyper controlling over my drinking and socialising and it was just a toxic mess.

His dad died about a year after we split up. I felt awful for XH but after an acrimonious divorce I wasn’t going to contact him.

But I blame his dad for the breakdown of my marriage as he ruined my XH who was and is bright, handsome, funny and clever but the signs of his upbringing shine through. And he never spoke to anyone about it as “men don’t”.

Talk. And talk some more. Just balance what you talk to your partner about with an external professional outlet.

Anyway, I’ll STFU now

I’m so, so sorry for your loss comeasyouare1.

My mum died eight years ago this xmas due to alcoholism and it still gets to me. Just today in a perfume shop my mood dropped to melancholic and sad cos I smelled her signature scent and missed her.

Grief is a weird thing as I do think it’s more complex when you’ve lost someone to something as complex as an addiction where you could argue personal choice played a part rather than something like a car crash which is an ‘act of god’. It’s so hard. You can love someone and miss them as well as have your own view on their behaviours.

I can relate to so much on here, thanks for starting the thread OP. DM was alcoholic and died at 50. I have anxiety and have done since she died really. This time of year is pretty bad as I think Christmas can be hellish in families where there's alcoholism and I struggle to enjoy Christmas even now. I don't like all the drinking. Don't drink at home either.
Had a ton of therapy which helped but it does leave deep scars and is a hard thing to deal with. It's comforting to know we are not alone

If any of you are on Facebook - there is a FB page called Coaisathing run by a guy called Josh. From there you can be added to the COA support group, it is a really supportive group where people share their stories amongst like minds.

Also, I recommend a book called Aftee The Tears which is for children of alcoholics.

Thanks very much @CodeOrange

Thank you for all the links and kind words. I also emailed NACOA and got a lovely reply with various links and information. One sheet describes roles in the family - it was so accurate, I will try to link it.

I have a very low opinion of myself and I'm beginning to realise that part of it is that my Dad always chose the drink instead of me or my siblings. Even writing it down makes me want to weep. If anyone in real life read this they would never believe it was me! Even friends, I never speak about this to anyone. So thank you all for taking the time to read, it's helping even writing it out.

Sorry those links aren't very clear, i will try again.