Adult child of alcoholic

[lostlalaloopsy]

My father was an alcoholic, he died around 11 years ago. He would go on binges and sometimes disappear for a few days. He worked on the oil rigs so he would usually binge when he was home. Once the binge was over he would be off the drink for a while. He did some crazy things over the years. I was the oldest and became a crutch for my mother. She enjoyed a drink herself - her own father was an alcoholic, but she was never at the state of my dad and always went to work, looked after us etc. She left him eventually whilst I was at university, once I left home he moved all of my stuff out. He ruled the house, always had to be his way whether he was drunk or sober. I feel he obviously some major mental health problems of his own. He died 11 years ago, basically his liver gave up at only 46.

I always thought I was tough and could get through anything, but have really struggled with what I know now is anxiety. I am very conscious of my drinking and have always effort not to rely on alcohol, this was tricky in my twenties.

We often talk about my dad and all the crazy things he would do and laugh. But really most of it wasn’t funny, just quite tragic. I feel so uncomfortable talking about any other aspect of growing up, even writing this has given me severe anxiety. I’ve always thought that none of this affected me, but now in my mid thirties I’m realising what it has done to me. I don’t want it to ruin my life or more importantly my children’s lives. I sometimes feel like I’m just pretending to get on with life and most of the time would rather stay on the sofa.

I have a very good life, 3 beautiful children, hard working husband, lovely house, great job - I just don’t understand why I still feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I am a very sociable person, but struggle to keep friends. I’m an absolute people pleaser and can’t cope with anyone - and I mean anyone - being upset with me, but yet can get so worked up over trivial matters which quickly blow up. And I find it really difficult to just enjoy myself - I always feel like I’m being judged by everyone. I’m very, very hard on myself.

That was very long!! I’m not even really expecting a reply, it just feels good to get it all out!! I’ve been at the drs a few times to get help for the anxiety but I always end up down playing it as I’m worried about being judged. And I definitely can’t talk to my sisters/mother about it, my husband knew my dad and doesn’t really like to talk about it all. Has anyone had a similar experience?

www.nacoa.org.uk/media/files/Alcoholism%20-%20The%20Family%20Illness.pdf

Hopefully this will be clearer

Me too. My 'Dad' was an alcoholic, a nasty, angry, abusive and hostile man who created the toxic environment we called home as kids.

I too have anxiety, low self-esteem, massive confidence issues and panic attacks. I don't think the effects ever leave you. Scared children become scared adults.

I am guilty of drinking too much (not everyday!) to relieve myself of the hideous anxious feeling I can't shake. I have never let this affect my parenting and my kids are loved, happy and safe. I wish I didn't turn to drink to cope with the anxiety but sometimes it's the only thing that takes the edge off. My kids don't see me staggering around, being abusive or neglecting them though (like my Dad did - daily). I think I'm a great Mum and I have an amazing relationship with my kids. I wish I didn't rely on booze to calm me down and I intend to quit as soon as I can find meds to help with the anxiety.

My Dad died this year (drink related) and I barely shed a tear. It felt like a relief but I wonder whether he self medicated and that makes me feel sad for him. However, he was nasty even when sober so I don't feel that bad for him really.... he was a sad, bitter and angry man who took out all his frustrations on his wife and kids.

I'm not sure whether I'm anxious because of my childhood (constant arguing, treading on eggshells, hostility and the underlying threat of my Dad kicking off) or whether the anxiety is a genetic thing. It's probably a combination of both. Not a great legacy and I can only hope that neither of these will affect my kids.

I think the relationship between anxiety and booze is a complex one. I suspect many drinkers self medicate for anxiety (like me) and it's just a shame there aren't effective meds that would mean people don't turn to destructive behaviours to cope.

Booze has been both a blessing and a curse in my life. It has helped me get through some of my worst episodes of panic but it also destroyed my childhood and I wish it wasn't a crutch for me now. Sad as it is, a couple of beers when I get home from work enable me to wind down and enjoy the evening with my family when I would otherwise be an adrenaline-fuelled mess. I hate the thought of ending up like my Dad, sad and lonely and in very poor health.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Interesting thread and very relatable. Thank you.

Oh and I can totally relate to the 'people pleasing'.

I hate confrontation and worry incessantly if I think I've offended anyone. I feel pathetic when I worry about whether people like me. I wish I could learn not to give a shit. I have way too much empathy and I cannot stand to see people suffering. I think this comes from seeing your parents miserable and desperately not wanting to cause trouble when you are a child. Trying to keep things 'nice' becomes paramount to you because you know how volatile things can be if you say/do the wrong thing and everything kicks off.

ScattyPenny, o could have written your post. Only difference is I don’t drink much myself, I just try and cope with the anxiety that comes knocking all too much these days.

The people pleasing really takes a toll after a while doesn't it? I have got myself into ridiculous situations as I didn't want to say no to people. Although I have made some strides in this in regards to family anyway. As I'm the oldest I always feel so much responsibility to make everyone happy, so trying to put in some boundaries.

scatty I don't tend to drink much these days. I just find the anxiety gets so much worse for the next few day.

My Dad was an alcoholic and died aged 50 of a sudden heart attack when I was 23, I’m now 41. I’ve always felt like I coped OK , have 4 dc, work two jobs, doing a Masters degree all at the same time etc. Always wanting top marks in assignments, be the best worker in my team etc desperately want everyone to like me but struggling keeping up friendships. So much of that makes sense reading the links above. Why do I care so much what other people think of me?

My sister is younger than me and is crippled with social anxiety and feeling lonely in an opposite kind of way to me. She is hugely successful in her own business but in personal life not.

She has been having therapy for years trying to uncover her feelings, she largely blames our Mum but I think it probably all stems from my dads drinking.

It is so painful to think about these things, I loved my Dad. It’s much easier to box it all away and just crack on with life without thinking about it much because that means acknowledging it all. It may help my sister though.

Norfolks you sound so similar to me!! The putting everything in a box phrase is what I've been trying to do for years. I can't really stand to talk about it all, but I think it's taking a toll on me. The NACOA site was really great, I emailed them and their reply has been so helpful - maybe you and your sister might find it useful.

My father died aged 52. He was a chronic alcoholic for 7 years after losing his job. It's not just you it effects it's sibling, other parents you relate to each other differently. I read the daughter of alcoholics are affected differently from sons. I'm 42, both parents are dead and I don't speak to my brother as he has a severe personality disorder. I know I'm effected by this, my mother had huge expectations of both my brother and I after my Dad died. We achieved the success but neither of us could have healthy functioning relationships. I certainly cannot that is almost certainly a result of my childhood experiences. My mother waited far too long to get my father removed from the house (being catholic!), eventually an interdict was served due to pressure from my school and other places he would turn up at school etc drunk. My Mother did nothing and allowed my brother to be extremely violent to all members of the family, the constant violence from a teenager was worse. He would jump up and down on my Dads head. Punch and physically assault me and gave two black eyes to his mother. All of us were covered in bruises! Nothing was done about that, perhaps my Mother felt enough embarrassment and as we were middle class and she was a professional, appearances mattered obviously more than my safety. It screws up a whole family! I've decided if anything was to happen to my son and I I'm leaving my estate to NACOA. I got no support years ago but if there is support now great. I would have loved to have been given a grant to go to a boarding school and just be safe.