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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hand hold please - abusive ex still controlling

34 replies

colettetatou · 23/11/2018 20:02

I escaped the relationship about 2 years ago but since then ex has continued to email me and call me. We tried to be amicable at first but his emails and phone calls ended up being abusive so I have blocked him on my phone but I can see that he has called as it goes straight to voicemail. He rarely leaves a message. Just knowing that he is still trying to contact me is making me stressed. His emails are filtered to a hidden folder. I guess I could filter them to the trash. I think I feel frightened to do this. But there's nothing to stop him emailing me from a different account or calling me from a different number.The last email I sent him I asked him not to contact me directly but if he needed to go via a solicitor. But he ignores this. And sent a letter to my work address. I do not respond to his emails or calls.

But the worst thing is he has recently moved about ten minutes walk away from my house. He doesn't know my address but knows roughly where I live. Every time I go out of the house now I am on high alert. I can't go shopping for fear of bumping in to him. I can't afford to move again. For the first time in years I feel like I have a safe home. He has been told it's not helpful for me or our DC for him to live in the same place. The DC don't see him.

I feel like I'll never be rid of him.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/11/2018 20:11

Sounds like harassment you need expert advice to see what legal measures you can take against him.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 23/11/2018 20:11

Time to call the police and show them. You've warned him, he's persisted, this is harassment now. Two occasions is all it takes to constitute harassment. I am sorry that you are going through this but please do now call in the police. Have you many friends/family locally?

AnotherGin · 23/11/2018 20:15

Sorry to hear this OP. Can you change your email address and phone number? I had to do this as my emotionally abusive ex is still harassing me after a year. Blocking his emails and filtering them to a hidden folder didn't work as he would set up new email accounts to contact me. It's a massive pain in the arse but was so worth it for the peace of mind.

I can't help with him moving nearby - have you got the police involved? It's definitely harassment and they will take it seriously.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/11/2018 20:16

Good idea to keep all the emails actually, as they are your proof of his harrassment and abuse. I agree that speaking to the police would be a good start. It could be that a word from them would be enough to scare him off, some people are only brave when no one is standing up to them. If it isnt then they can do more

Original poster

colettetatou · 23/11/2018 20:20

He just doesn't get it. He won't accept that we want nothing to do with him. He's asking if he can see the DC at Christmas! Really!?

I'll call the police tomorrow.

I could change my phone number and email address, but really should I have to? I feel like I'm giving in to him if I do that.

OP posts:

Mother196 · 23/11/2018 20:26

No you're doing everything wrong, save every little bit off evidence! He could turn dangerous and the police cannot do anything because they have no evidence

AnotherGin · 23/11/2018 20:27

I felt that way about changing my contact details, basically "why the f should I have to", but I can't explain how much freer I feel knowing it's not him when I get a call from an unknown number. I changed my phone number months ago but resisted changing my email address because I knew it would be a massive pain, until the police strongly recommended I do so.

Keep all the emails from him and phone call records though as they'll be needed should this go anywhere with the police. Once I handed everything over to the police, I closed the old email account and wiped my phone logs. It was hard but a good thing to do.

Original poster

colettetatou · 23/11/2018 20:36

@Mother196 What do you mean? I shouldn't close my email and wipe texts?

@AnotherGin Thats how I feel, but the pain of changing my email address for freedom would be worth it. For now, maybe I'll get a new email address, but not close the old one down just yet. So if he continues to email I'll have evidence.

I think I may have blocked him at work too,I'll check - that could be good evidence too.

It's just such a hassle, I've had my email address and phone number forever.

OP posts:

Original poster

colettetatou · 23/11/2018 20:39

Years of isolation have really meant that I have lost touch with people, and family not nearby. I do have friends, but put on a brave face I think. My life was awful for years. And nobody really knew.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/11/2018 20:45

Dont wipe the texts, as hard as that is. IT is your evidence.

How old are the kids? Because if they are young then he will probably get access if he goes to court. I realise that he was abusive to you but unless he actively abused them then you wont be considered to have reasonable grounds to prevent them seeing him.

Original poster

colettetatou · 23/11/2018 20:47

Kids are old enough to say they don't want to see him. He does not have PR. We weren't married. Thank fully. So he can't insist on seeing them.

OP posts:

AnotherGin · 23/11/2018 20:48

If you do decide to close the old email address or change phone number, just taking screen shots of the email list in the inbox / call logs is enough - that's all the police did when I gave my witness statements. They wanted to know the gist of the content of those emails that I'd read (most of them I didn't read), but as far as evidence went, they were more interested in the dates of contact to prove a course of harassment.

If he's anything like my ex, blocking him at work doesn't work either as he'll just ring you from withheld numbers as that seems to bypass the block.

Original poster

colettetatou · 23/11/2018 20:54

@AnotherGIn Thanks, that's a good idea. Maybe a new number and email address will feel like a fresh start. Anyone important to me will have a way of getting in touch with me. I'll just have to make time to do it.

Has he stopped harassing you now?

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/11/2018 20:54

Actually he could, if he went to court and got PR awarded but......sounds like a keyboard warrior rather someone who would actually get off their arse and do something. Far easier to tell everyone how hard done by he is than actually try to be a good father. I have an ex like that.........

Original poster

colettetatou · 23/11/2018 21:00

pyong The fact that he hasn't already tried makes me think he hopefully, probably won't. I guess that's another reason to go to the police. So that if he tried it would be on record that he's still harassing me

OP posts:

AnotherGin · 23/11/2018 21:01

He has only one way to contact me now and that's through my work phone - I had a missed call late Sunday night which certainly wasn't my boss... I can't prove it but it can only be him.

I change jobs in a few weeks so he'll lose that contact avenue too, but if he finds me after I do then the police will arrest him and will prosecute. He doesn't know where I live but I've been told to call 999 if he turns up at my house or at my parents.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/11/2018 21:04

I think you're right, if he was going to then he would have done by now. Far easier, as I said, to slag you off and send abuse than actually be a decent parent and try to see his kids. Presumably you have poisoned them against him rather than them being able to see for themselves what a shit head he is? I did, the only reason my kids didnt want to see ex was because I told all those lies about him.......... yeah, alright mate, if you say so......

Original poster

colettetatou · 23/11/2018 21:08

When it's dark before I've shut the curtains and blinds I imagine him out there, just staring in at the window.

@AnotherGin I'm sorry he's still phoning. Not for much longer though once you've started your new job. Why don't they get the message and leave us alone

OP posts:

Original poster

colettetatou · 23/11/2018 21:11

He's desperate to see them, but they don't want to. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to them. The emails and texts are all about seeing them. Mostly. I still get some saying he still loves me etc, but mostly them. And how he's changes. and why won't I let him see them. Yes, I have turned them against him.

OP posts:

AnotherGin · 23/11/2018 21:18

We're just horrible women to do this to them but they know deep down we still love them. We just don't know it yet 🙄

Sorry to hear he was abusive towards your children. If anything I'd say all the more reason to go to the police - two years of harassment is two years too many, and you need to continue to protect your children.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/11/2018 21:18

Mine was like that, desperate to see them.....except he conveniently forgot all the times he didnt turn up, was "working" when he was actually balls deep in the OW, and treated them badly. No, it was nothing to do with that, it was me that stopped them wanting to see him. Their level of self delusion is incredible!

DiaryofWimpyMum · 23/11/2018 21:25

My ex husband was the same. He stopped after around 4 years. Keep copies of everything, don't engage with him at all, call the police if he keeps harassing you. He'll move on eventually

Original poster

colettetatou · 23/11/2018 21:28

4 years diary I have noticed he's not calling me as much or emailing since I've stopped responding. He thinks I've blocked him on email. I'm just not replying. I don't think he'll ever stop.

OP posts:

DiaryofWimpyMum · 23/11/2018 21:37

He will move on eventually. Just keep blocking. My ex husband turned up at my door after 8 years. Again I didn't engage with him and my children are old enough to know if they want to see him so he thankfully hasn't been back in touch.

Hopefully if he meets someone else he'll move on quicker. It must be hard him living so close.

Wordthe · 23/11/2018 21:40

What everyone else says about contacting the police, you must do this
Also
Grey rock technique
no one enjoys interacting with a stone

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