I feel dread and panic when this friend is due to visit :-(

[BaaLamby]

Hi all,

I’ve been friends with my best friend since we were 3 years old so I’ve known her all my life and have been there through every life event together. I’m in my fifties now and its so strange but in recent times I’ve just become totally exasperated by her. She has always been a talker but for some reason it didn’t irritate me so much before. I don’t know if she’s got worse or I’ve changed and mellowed but I can’t stand her company anymore! I think its probably a bit of both. Over time all of her circle of friends have dropped her. I’m the only friend she seems to have left. Neighbours avoid her otherwise they’ll never get away. When I say she’s a talker I mean she’s a TALKER! She literally doesn’t stop for breath, she almost goes blue in the face. It seems to be nerves, it’s like a form of talking Tourette’s. She can’t bear even a few seconds of silence. It really seems to be some sort of psychological problem. She rambles incoherently, repeats the same thing over and over, she doesn’t complete her sentence before she jumps to the next. Something else suddenly pops into her head and she’ll change midway through a sentence. After about 5 minutes you just give up trying to follow what she’s saying! She goes off down a million rabbit holes never finishing her point! If there is a millisecond chance to get a word in, she’s totally oblivious that you are talking so just talks right over you!! If you do get to talk you get about half a sentence out before she totally hijacks what you were trying to say! You just never get to finish what you were saying! Both my husband and I just sit there open mouthed at her behaviour! He absolutely refuses to put up with it anymore and the minute she interrupts he just throws his arms up in the air and leaves the room. She is totally oblivious to social cues! I sit there with a rising sense of panic at feeling trapped! The weird thing is she is very sensitive and has noticed the change in my husband. She asked if he was ok because he seems moody and grumpy lately! She just cannot see the connection between her behaviour and his reaction, or anyone else’s for that matter! She would be horrified and defensive if you tried to suggest she talks too much. She’s overly sensitive to any form of criticism no matter how sensitively you put it! DH understands my long association with her and obviously wouldn’t stop her coming over but he does get quite moody when he knows she is coming over. He disappears to another room. I feel sorry for him because I would feel the same if I loathed a friend of his like that. I’m stuck in the middle. I don’t want to cut her off completely given we’ve known each other all our lives but I do want to see a lot less of her. We’ve both retired early so it’s really difficult to make excuses to see less of her. If I try to put her off, she doesn’t get the hint and just says, that’s ok I’ll come over Wednesday instead! We are looking to retire to the coast soon and I just don’t know whether to just put up with it until then as she won’t travel far. If she comes for the occasional weekend, I can tolerate it knowing I won’t have to see her for another 3 – 6 months. I feel bad about feeling this way but I can’t help it!
I’d be interested to hear how any of you would handle this situation!

I wish i knew the answer as my sister is the same, all she talks about is herself and finds even the smallest thing to relate what you're saying back to her (when there is nothing - for example i was explaining about an issue I was having with some treatment at hospital, she then goes on some tangent about how the same thing happened to her with a cashier... Totally irrelevant) When I do get a chance to speak it's like she's just waiting to talk again, not actually listening to what I say. She has absolutely no idea if you're bored/fed up I've literally been bored to tears and it didn't stop

That must be unbearable.

Just tell her straight: ‘I don’t want to have you visit at the moment. Sorry.

Suggest going to the cinema?

A colleague of mine is the same. We all despair at work during our lunch break. I wonder if it could be early dementia?

Ipod and obvious ear phones?

Could you gently tell her? Maybe even preface it with “I know this might upset you but I care enough for you that I can’t let it continue”.
Boundaries are important in relationships of any sort.

I have a friend like this. I have stopped seeing her. It makes me feel bad, but I think live is too short. My regret is whether I should have told her why.
I can't be the only person who feels like that about her.

The final straw was the last time I saw her she talked nonstop for 3 hours witout drawing breath. It's quite extraordinary.

I had a friend who was similar...not as bad maybe.

I think initially it was funny, but twenty years later, I'm much quieter and just found her a noisy nuisance. I broke off the friendship, but not for that - mostly because she was also very inconsiderate and selfish. Perhaps I should have guessed that from the incessant talking!

As you said, she’s missed the cues so have one last go at trying to salvage things by trying being upfront.

Eg if she interrupts tell her then immediately interrupt her saying you were in the middle of a sentence and hadn’t finished talking.

If she’s on another visit where she’s only on send then tell her you love her but you’re finding her difficult and your DH isn’t happy that she does this to you which is why he’s changed towards her. Then list all the things she’s talked about and ask her what she’s heard you say.

If she reacts badly (as in angry rather than sad and sorry) then reduce contact.

My boss is like this!! So hard. Quick meetings last hours and nights out/lunches are interminable. But how do u tell your boss to shut the fuck up?

I'd see less of her, I'd limit the time we were together (maybe not have her come round to your house, for instance, or do so at a time when you have an appointment to go to after an hour or two), or I'd do a time-limited activity like a walk that you know takes x amount of time and then say 'Toodle-oo, must be off'. Don't let her monopolise your time - be firmer with your own parameters!

I worked with a colleague like this for 7.5 years. I was reduced to tears of frustration daily but only worked two days a week at that branch thankfully. She went on HRT and anti depressents and the difference in her was astounding. She was still really really annoying though and I challenged her once and she got revenge on me in a ridiculously childish way. I found loads of coping strategies and eventually she retired and buggered off. Just thinking about her right now is making me feel stressed. It's horrendous.

She sounds insufferable.

How have you lasted this long?

Either you tell her and there’s a chance she’ll wise up and stop acting like this or you say nothing and the friendship will come to an end (which may understandably be your preferred option).

It sounds miserable for you, but also for her. It must feel awful to be so on edge. Does she have very severe anxiety or something like ADHD? I agree with someone above -- if you're thinking of avoiding seeing her, then in a sense you have nothing to lose by trying to talk to her seriously about it first. Gently asking if it might be a health problem, rather than a personality problem, might make it easier.

It is called monologuing and is autistic trait.
And i found this
www.inc.com/les-mckeown/how-to-deal-with-meeting-sandbaggers.html
Which is what i do my sister just let go on but with no reaction . Dont try to talk dont say any thing .

My mum does this and it's got worse over the years. It's horrendous and I wish I had advice for your situation. For me I just try to take a deep breath and then text her anything important as I don't get a word in when we are face to face and that's how I maintain the relationship

This sounds like a more extreme version of a very dear friend of mine. My DH feels the same as yours does and it's really awkward. We sometimes meet my friend together with her DH. His method of dealing with her is to carry on saying whatever he has to say, regardless. DH and I sit there shrinking into the corner under the barrage of words from them both.

To make it worse, she tries to be sensitive by asking about me, which swiftly develops into unwanted advice, and I feel like I'm being interrogated. DH and I come away feeling drained.

He has shown a tiny trace of irritation once or twice and she's picked up on it and has started making a point of saying things very emphatically, that she thinks he disagrees with - almost as if she's sticking up for herself.

I think she knows we avoid meeting up too often. Eventually we'll probably argue, but I hope not. She's always been outspoken but it used to be refreshing, now it's over the top.

Sadly I meet more and more people who are like this, they simply talk and interrupt all the time. Usually boastfully.

Sorry I don't have any helpful tips, OP. Apart from don't feel bad if you can't keep up this friendship. It's not you, it's her.

I think you either need to say something or break up with her. As it stands it’s not a friendship, it’s you trying to tolerate her.

You’ve just described my Dad!
We’ve (him included) have always suspected Autism or possibly dyspraxia or an anxiety problem. My GM always said he was very different to her other children.

He is very socially awkward, and has gotten worse since retiring as I guess because he has less contact with people outside of our very immediate family. Once he starts telling you something, he HAS to finish - even if there is no one left to listen to him.

The problem for us is that his main topic of conversation is politics- usually snippets from the DM. And his conversation is very controversial, it is quite hard to ignore and can be pretty embarrassing for my Mum.

I’ve always presumed that it’s just his personality so I’m curious to hear how others cope with similar loved ones.

I wish I knew the answer and could give you advice, my Mum is the same and never pauses for breath. She was here last weekend and I'm sure she never came up for air.

I do pull her up when she interrupts you on the occasions you do get to talk, but she now says, "oh I thought you had finished" and continues talking..

She actually asked my son a question and only allowed him to say a couple of words and cut him off mid sentence.

Its exhausting being around such people, at least as a friend you can ditch her

I think write her a letter explaining exactly how you feel, but that you do value you friendship and want to continue it if possible. BUT she really must make an effort to control the stream-of-consciousness monologues!

IF you continue to see her you are going to have to get tough - if she starts going off on one put your hand up and say "Stop".

I had an auntie like this and she was totally exhausting. You had to really work to get her back on track.......

I think what’s interesting here is that if your friend were a mumsnetter, she’d read this thread with no idea it was about her as she’d never identify her behaviour as being like this.

You are describing my mother exactly. She has been getting steadily worse over the years but can talk all evening just repeat, repeat, repeat muddled nonsense, hijacks every conversation you start, talks over you, across you, always about her. She has to be the centre of attention and can't bear it If anyone dates to interupt her. I've put it down to dementia. This could be a sign of early dementia in your friend.

I also suspected dementia. Is there anyone else at all who is close to her whom you could discuss it with?

I think as you are moving away soon, I would leave it. If she wont travel far, then this should solve your problem. She obviously doesnt realise what she's doing, and how she is behaving, (and someone upthread said this could be an autistic trait), so any letter or discussion could be very hurtful for her to receive. I would just let the friendship fade out gradually once you leave the area.