I feel dread and panic when this friend is due to visit :-(

[BaaLamby]

Hi all,

I’ve been friends with my best friend since we were 3 years old so I’ve known her all my life and have been there through every life event together. I’m in my fifties now and its so strange but in recent times I’ve just become totally exasperated by her. She has always been a talker but for some reason it didn’t irritate me so much before. I don’t know if she’s got worse or I’ve changed and mellowed but I can’t stand her company anymore! I think its probably a bit of both. Over time all of her circle of friends have dropped her. I’m the only friend she seems to have left. Neighbours avoid her otherwise they’ll never get away. When I say she’s a talker I mean she’s a TALKER! She literally doesn’t stop for breath, she almost goes blue in the face. It seems to be nerves, it’s like a form of talking Tourette’s. She can’t bear even a few seconds of silence. It really seems to be some sort of psychological problem. She rambles incoherently, repeats the same thing over and over, she doesn’t complete her sentence before she jumps to the next. Something else suddenly pops into her head and she’ll change midway through a sentence. After about 5 minutes you just give up trying to follow what she’s saying! She goes off down a million rabbit holes never finishing her point! If there is a millisecond chance to get a word in, she’s totally oblivious that you are talking so just talks right over you!! If you do get to talk you get about half a sentence out before she totally hijacks what you were trying to say! You just never get to finish what you were saying! Both my husband and I just sit there open mouthed at her behaviour! He absolutely refuses to put up with it anymore and the minute she interrupts he just throws his arms up in the air and leaves the room. She is totally oblivious to social cues! I sit there with a rising sense of panic at feeling trapped! The weird thing is she is very sensitive and has noticed the change in my husband. She asked if he was ok because he seems moody and grumpy lately! She just cannot see the connection between her behaviour and his reaction, or anyone else’s for that matter! She would be horrified and defensive if you tried to suggest she talks too much. She’s overly sensitive to any form of criticism no matter how sensitively you put it! DH understands my long association with her and obviously wouldn’t stop her coming over but he does get quite moody when he knows she is coming over. He disappears to another room. I feel sorry for him because I would feel the same if I loathed a friend of his like that. I’m stuck in the middle. I don’t want to cut her off completely given we’ve known each other all our lives but I do want to see a lot less of her. We’ve both retired early so it’s really difficult to make excuses to see less of her. If I try to put her off, she doesn’t get the hint and just says, that’s ok I’ll come over Wednesday instead! We are looking to retire to the coast soon and I just don’t know whether to just put up with it until then as she won’t travel far. If she comes for the occasional weekend, I can tolerate it knowing I won’t have to see her for another 3 – 6 months. I feel bad about feeling this way but I can’t help it!
I’d be interested to hear how any of you would handle this situation!

Wow, what a nightmare. I think tell her before you dump her. She might change .

Just say how hard it is because she is always talking.

Could she have something like ADHD? It very often goes undiagnosed in women, overtalking is a classic symptom and women going through menopause experience a huge increase in symptoms if they are unmanged. The going off on tangents, getting distracted from the original point, interrupting others, yet being really sensitive to perceived criticism (your husband's reaction) could all be signs.

As an Autistic women and Mother of an autistic daughter and autistic son, it does sound very like your df is on the spectrum. I would imagine she is worse when anxious. She won’t pick up on anything other than extremely blatant social cues.

It is very difficult, I have similar issues and try very hard not to do this. I am a good listener and I am usually the person asked for advice. So it’s difficult not to offer advice at times. I have noticed that I have lost many of my coping mechanisms due to being bedbound and thus not socialising as much. My dh has commented on this, it has caused some embarrassment and I feel awful as any upset I cause is not intentional. It could be that if your df has recently retired and is not mixing with people as much, that she has lost some of her coping skills. Please do speak with her.

You have been friends a very long time, you must care deeply about your friend to reach this point. Please rather than ghosting her, or dropping her completely, have a chat with her and be honest, tell her what behaviours are frustrating you and your dh.

I would ask your df if she has ever considered whether she is on the spectrum. I would imagine that everything will finally slot into place when she realises she is on the spectrum and hopefully she will be able to find coping strategies/ friends who are also on the spectrum.

Girls/Women present differently with autism than men so are less likely to be diagnosed, not because they are not autistic- they are just better skilled at mimicking social skills

Has it always been this extreme? You say she’s always been a talker and it seems worse lately, but I’m wondering if her mannerisms have changed suddenly.

I ask because what you describe is exactly what happened when my Grandma was on a particular medication. She had Parkinson’s Disease and I don’t know what this specific medication was but as soon as it was changed (because of this strange behaviour- incessant talking, changing subject halfway through a sentence, repeating the same thing), she went back to normal. She was otherwise coping perfectly well, and her strange speech was the only sign something wasn’t right. She’d also been a big talker her whole life and it was hard to get a word in edgeways, but this was just something else.

Is your friend on medication? Could this be the situation with her?

My Mum is like this, I've posted about her before.
I think in her case it is because she has nothing in her life apart from me and my DH.
I just came back from a 4 day work trip to an amazing city and she didn't even ask if I had a good time, she went straight to a monologue of all the boring shite that happened while I was away.

It's like a download of the minutiae of her day, the neighbours, what she watched on TV, what the dog did. He said/she said of every conversation.

Oh and the repeating, that is the worst. I can just about cope with the inane yammering but not the re-telling several times.
A MN'r on here once described this as Tales of the Expected. This is exactly what it is.

There is no dementia, she has ALWAYS been like this.

This week while I was away she pissed my husband off so much he told her that he wasn't interested and to shut up. She either didn't hear or didn't care, just carried on. He got so angry that he had to walk away.

No self awareness, can't judge situations where people are obvious glazing over , or worse trying to edge away. Just keeps on and on.

I have an interesting and very varied job that most people can't wait to grill me about. She never asks how my day has been. So I don't talk about it now.

She makes drama where there is none and everything is a catastrophe. It's exhausting.

I do love my Mum, she can be generous and kind but I just wish she would STFU.

Google "covert narcissism."

This happens to me (in an hour) when my mother comes to visit for 2 hours. I start ironing. That's all I can do to cope.

I've known three people like this:

1. The first time my mother met her she actually asked me afterwards if the woman had a medical condition that meant she never shut up. At least this friend knew she was like it, and could pick up on glazed eyes (without taking offence). I used to see her weekly and thought I'd miss her when she moved but never have. It was only then I realised how draining she was.

2. Lives in Canada so I only see him once every few years. Most memorable time was when he asked me the same question three times, each time letting me get three words out before physically turning to DP and chatting about something else. He did, eventually, apologise.

3. Friend of DP's, lives in Oz. I've met her twice, dreaded the second visit. F1 met her and even she couldn't get a word in! On her last visit she seemed to have an agenda, and a belief of how things are for us, and she refused to accept evidence otherwise. So she had me down as being as thick as (despite having post-grad qualifications) and, among other things, treated me to a ten minute lecture on how our security light works. Nothing technical, just that it would sense me and come on, so I could see where I was doing. A whole ten minutesl

Luckily I don't see any of them that often. My introvertedness finds it hard to cope with!

Effendi Are you my secret sister ?

If she is on the spectrum, there's a possible 'fix' or work-around, even if she's offended at first by you bringing it up.

If she's very fond of her own views and voice, and less fond of listening to other people, she won't want to listen. This could also be the reason her other friends have all dropped her.

Talking and taking over are good enough reasons for people to avoid her, but if she's not very pleasant in other ways, it's likely the reason you're the last one left.

Has she gone through the menopause yet? That would be something to consider as it could affect her nerves, or her sleep, so that her state of mind is not present enough to see changes in herself.

Try to think back clearly: has she really always been like this? What conversations can you recall between you from years ago? Did she allow you to talk then? What were her good points?

Oldraver, yikes is there another like mine?? Scary....

I'm a bit like this when I'm really nervous.

I do make a conscious effort to stop, I'm aware of how annoying it is (it is for me too when my mouth runs away from me)

I take a breath and explain I'm nervous person.

Usually the person I'm speaking to is understanding and it goes much better from there and I stop doing it.

I had to let go an employee who was like this, it was infuriating. Even when I was busy and asked her to be quiet so I could concentrate she would make weird noises in the throat as she was so desperate to talk. I asked used to miss out on important things she said because I had tuned out of the monologue...sack your friend is my advice I'm afraid!

Wow, I’m amazed at how many people here on this thread have family/friends/colleagues like this. Its nice to know I’m not the only one experiencing this but it makes you wonder what’s going on!

Its interesting some of you have mentioned Autism/ADHD. I really don’t fully understand how they manifest but from what people are saying it sounds a real possibility. She just blurts out what’s in her head without much filtering. Just to clarify, she has always been like this but has got much worse in the last few years. A couple of people have mentioned Menopause and yes, she is going through it. That could explain it getting worse as the timing is right! She complains of poor sleep and has definitely got more anxious and nervier and that’s when she really goes up a gear! I should mention she was also diagnosed with breast Cancer 2 years ago and has been through chemo/radiotherapy and is on meds which others have mentioned so again this could also be making it worse. She is doing very well and has been told she has responded really well to treatment and there’s no spread. The future is looking good for her but its an added barrier to my actually taking the step of approaching it with her. I do think a lot of the issue is me as well. I have definitely changed as I’ve got older too. I was quite outgoing when I was younger but had a very chaotic childhood and first marriage. There was differing levels of abuse in both. I am really contented now I’m retired, have a lovely second DH and looking forward to our move to the coast. I’ve become much quieter and want different things from life now I’m older. It’s also worth mentioning that I have an invisible autoimmune illness which is directly stress related. All my symptoms flare up after any particularly stressful event (which is why I had to take early retirement). I find after she’s gone home, I can sometimes feel quite unwell and have to take tablets and go rest to get my symptoms back down again. So, it’s probably as much me that can no longer deal with her as her getting worse! It’s a real shame as she’s a loyal, devoted friend and we have had lovely times throughout our lives.

I’m erring toward taking a very deep breath and will just try to let it all go over my head as we are moving shortly after Christmas. I might feel differently once we move and have some distance between us. It could go either way. I could find I miss her and look forward to meeting up or I could feel relieved and don’t want to continue the friendship! I’ll see when we get to our new home!

Thank you all for your advice and suggestions, I really appreciate it.