The fallout after the affair

[whynot93]

I thought I'd try and get others perspective on this..

I'm almost a year on from finding out about my husbands double life, we've tried hard to work through it but if I'm honest (and I have been with him) I've come to a crossroads recently as that 'finding out day' gets closer and it's suddenly occurred to me I'm suffering some sort of Post Traumatic Stress (I think).

Anyone have experience of this? I have self referred to counselling and have an initial consultation next week. I'm experiencing night terrors where I wake up either crying or bolt upright remembering a certain part of the affair (sounds odd but like flash backs of red flags I should have seen). I've also noticed rather than getting on with stuff during the day whilst the kids are at school I can often just sit in a chair staring blankly or going over and over stuff in my head. I actually don't remember last Christmas and the whole year has been a blur.. there's a certain tune / music that plays on my son's iPad on some sort of game and when I here it I remember the day I was floored by what I found - this music seems to take me back and I'm assuming that's some sort of flash back. I appreciate this all sounds a bit weird and if I'm honest I am a bit freaked out by it all but my question is has anyone else gone through similar after discovering an husband/partners affair.

Be gentle please I'm pretty fragile.

Not been through it, but your feelings are entirely normal in the situation.

It is akin to PTSD and I've had military betrayed husbands tell me it's worse than being on the frontline...because you knew who the enemy was.

Counselling is a good thing as you've mentioned.

There isn't a set time to get over it. I'm not sure that one ever does...But you reach acceptance.

This is easier to reach with a remorseful spouse. Who takes responsibility for the affair... and does the heavy lifting in your reconciliation.

It doesn't sound weird at all. Different people react differently and take different lengths of time to deal with trauma. You have referred yourself to counseling, which may help. Personally, i looked online at all the infidelity sites like survivinginfidelity and read books like 'Not just friends' There's a reason it's called surviving as it is a real ordeal. I tried to see how others had coped, and took advice from real people. It's also reassuring to know that you are not alone, and that others have suffered like you, and have got through it. I don't think it ever really ends, although it does get better. I still have triggers ( songs, dates, etc) but fortunately for me my wife ( who had the emotional affair and lied, minimised and justified it for months initially) finally saw what she had done to me and is now exemplary, honest and open, allowing transparency and trust back in. I hope you find yourself again. Just know it will get better and will pass. You will be different, hopefully, stronger too. It was the worst time of my life, but i am moving forward now and it is becoming a bad memory. I wish you all the best.

Totally normal. I don’t want to go into my own story right now except to reassure you that what you’re feeling is normal. The anniversary of finding out is hard to get through and you realise you’ve spent the past year surviving rather than living.
Recovery from an affair is such a long process.

Thank you both for your kind responses, I am hoping by talking to someone (as I've never told anyone through embarrassment) I may be able to heal a little. We have two young children who we both adore but I just cannot get past the hurt that has been caused. I have tried some self help websites and books, I find myself googling all sorts instead of working. My mind is a mess with this stuff! I am scared of what the future holds but as every day passes the need to run away from this house and all the horrid memories of this time last year gets stronger.

That's exactly it @queenCyan I have no real memory of the past year!! I find that very worrying.

Don’t be emabarrassed. You need to talk to someone whether a trusted friend or counsellor. You can’t get through this alone.
It’s soul destroying and the hurt is something I have never experienced or wish to ever experience again.

I can remember losing hours and hours after I found out my boyfriend had cheated. I just sat there twirling a bit of hair over and over again - I ended up with a bald patch. The fucker.

my god I could be writing this. It's the year anniversary since x event, y event, I know what they were doing over Christmas. I don't remember most of the summer. My fucking doctor won't give me any more sleeping pills. I find myself googling the tart's twitter because she just loves to keep the world updated with her latest photos and thoughts. A song comes on the radio that "they" just loved and talked about. And so on. It utterly sucks and I'm afraid I'm so deep in the same hole that I can't give you any supportive / helpful advice but I can tell you that it's not a unique experience. x

When I first started to experience these thoughts I was in my late teens/early 20s and had no idea it wasn't normal to not want to see a film/look at an illustration/think of a certain actress because of triggering memories. Now I'm married to him and we have kids, and I've got a whole bag of other triggers from repeated betrayal, I am finally starting to notice that these thoughts aren't okay (slow learner!) I just wish I'd had someone to tell me this shit 20 years ago. It's been 20 years and I still can't see Billie Piper, think about those stupid Me-to-You bears or watch 'American Beauty' for example. Husband has no idea. What a waste of a life! I guess what I should do is go and desensitise myself (watch the films etc) because I'm sure the OW barely gives me another thought.

There must be some people that can let this shit go. But for others I think it's harder. You need to talk to someone. I was so ashamed that I told nobody (until this year). Maybe if I had talked about it I might feel better.

What you are experiential completely normal. 10 years on (I’m divorced now) I still can’t listen to certain songs without getting that horrid feeling.

You might need to consider leaving him? I have been through that situation of having a husband who cheats. I am completely healed now, but I have a new husband, who is an absolute gem. Could you think about moving on?

I saw a psychologist and she said it is a form of trauma and can be treated with techniques used for PTSD.

Until I experienced it myself I had no idea how much pain it can cause.

In my case the anniversary was easier to handle as I can now re-frame it as the day I was given the chance to leave and live my own life.

Hopefully counselling will help you decide your way forward.

Hypervigilance. Obsessive behaviour. Going through every detail and checking them to see if you can find out any discrepancies, or any more details. It's something people do. It's because we want to make sure it's over, make sure that the lies have stopped, to gain control over the situation. We feel insecure, foolish and fragile. We are not. If we wanted to we could leave, as difficult as it may be. What makes me feel better is knowing that they are on a ' final warning'. I can demand and get transparency. I can say that if anything happens again, I am going to leave and i don't think I'd have the trauma that leaving at the time would would have had. My ducks are in a row. She wants me now more than she did then, she knows what she would lose financially, emotionally, family and in terms of reputation. Coming close to losing all these things has had an impact on her. It's also made me realise how easily it happens, and how I have to also be open and vigilant about getting too close to others who might harm my marriage. I went through all you describe, and although it nearly sent me over the edge, I know i am stronger now. Replaying it in your mind is your subconscious building your defences. Stay strong. Time will heal. Believe it.

She wants me now more than she did then, she knows what she would lose financially, emotionally, family and in terms of reputation

Not being funny, but wouldn't it be preferable if she didn't want to lose you, because she was madly in love with you? I think you deserve more, tbh.

I'm not with my ex who did this but I can tell you you are not alone. Went through the same sort of feelings. Sitting and replaying things and not remembering a whole chunk of time (or my brain choosing to not to, I don't know). Fragile is definitely the word. It's a horrible thing to go through as it's not just about the person, it changes your world view and makes you question your own perception.

Not got much advice but just to say you're not alone x

I have considered leaving @Huskylover1 yes most definitely. I have two boys in primary school, the daddy means so much to them that I'm not sure him being out of their lives is the right thing - they have special needs and their world is quite black and white.

I just want to move on if at all possible.. but there is a side of me that thinks that just not possible without him in my life. But I'm also concerned about my own state of mind right now which quite frankly is a worry.

I manage the day to day stuff and get by but my head is just fuzzy with all the reoccurring thoughts. I feel like I'm walking round in a haze lying to myself and hiding away from others. I'm not out for revenge and I'm certain it's all ended, it's just the fact that my husband invested so much effort to lie to me like he did over and over!! Why!! I could never hurt someone I loved like that or anyone for that matter. 🙁

Financially I'd have to pull my socks up, my husband has said if that's what I want (to separate) he'd always pay for us and I'm sure he would but I'd feel so alone and defeated. I never signed up for this shit.. I did say to him this morning if I could press a button and go back in time I'd go back to the day I met him and run away. I'd never have had kids and got married to end up 8 years later with two children with autism and a pathological lying cheating husband.

@Sausage101 absolutely that! I question everything now, nothing is real anymore it's all total bull to me. My whole outlook has been tipped upside down because of this.

I go through these things a year on from finding out about my husband's affair to but I left him because of it so I can't imagine how it must be going through it and still being with that person.
I also self referred for counselling, which helped. My friends and family have been wonderful but they all have their own lives and knowing someone was there to listen to me for that period of time every week was comforting. Some weeks i needed it more than others.
I hope you manage to get some support and get through this, whatever you end up doing.

Oh gosh, I really feel for you. Is he trying to make things right? I know that my husband didn't : he just kept on repeating the same behaviours, until I really felt no option other than leaving him. It took me 4 years though. It's definitely not as easy as finding out today and LTB tomorrow. It takes time to click in your head, iyswim.

On the other hand, my best friend's husband had a 6 month affair, and when that was revealed, he did everything to keep the marriage together, and whilst it was very hard for a while, they are still together (20 years on) and seem blissfully happy.

I guess the question is, can you come back from this? Maybe only time will tell? Do you love him? Is he full of remorse and regret?

Maybe you give yourself time. See how you feel in 6 months/5 years/when the kids are grown? You can leave at any time.

If you do leave, it doesn't mean the kids won't see their Dad. It will just be a different lifestyle.

Huskylover. When i put in the word emotionally, the love is what I meant. She genuinely loves me more now. No act, no games, I can feel it. Remove the tangible assets, money, house and she would still want me. I have also changed and through many hours of talking and communication, I know I am a better husband ( because i put a great deal more effort in). We are closer now than ever we were. Complete openness, we set aside one night a week to talk. Not perfect. Not self righteous, I promise, but it can work. Not for everyone. The betrayer has to put in the lions share of the work, and most importantly really really want it to work.

What it did with me was made me decide to be far less co dependent , and make them part of life, not the whole life. To know you were working your arse off for you both whilst they were indulging in stupid infatuations hardened my heart somewhat. It also sent me into hypervigilant mode when I was a very trusting soul and to be honest 2 years later that hasn’t gone away even though I know it was I think a one off period a good number of years ago. I think it totally changes your mind set towards them

@dogzdinner What you have said is brilliant In my case the anniversary was easier to handle as I can now re-frame it as the day I was given the chance to leave and live my own life.

I've just bought a new diary for 2019 and on my leaving anniversary, I'm going to put in a reminder of this!

To the OP - I'm only 7 weeks post leaving after finding out about the OW. I have been seeing a counsellor since the beginning of this year as my ex had convinced me that it was all in my mind and it was my insecurities which made me mistrust him. My spidey senses about this OW started in Oct 17, so I've been through a whole year of lies and deception. In all that time I couldn't concentrate on anything, my mind was in complete turmoil. Since finding out the truth, although hurtful it was liberating because I WAS RIGHT!! I am determined that I am NOT going to let the past year get to me. I am moving into my new house in a few weeks and like @dogzdinner said I am reframing it as the start of my new life, free of the anxieties and stress he put me through. If the counselling does not help, then I'd consider the option of leaving. Nobody should have to live like that. I know that if my ex had apologised and wanted to try again, it would have been a categorical NO.

Been there, done that ....

Reliving the day I found out (or rather came out of 6 months of denial once the nightmares started). Stuck in endless loops reliving moments and incidents that didn't make sense before but now did. Years of suddenly remembering other details and being hurt yet again. Waking during the night and not getting back to sleep but replaying incidents in my mind. Anniversaries of betrayals. Thinking about it while driving, on the train, walking, swimming watching TV (particularly drama about betrayal which means most drama). Imagining different scenarios again and again.

It does get better, my GP said it would take 5 years to get over (he was speaking from experience). Its now 5 years and it is better but it is still there. I think my brain is now re-wired, when its idle it thinks about it, before it used to think about the future and wonderous things, now it thinks about the past.

I think we all have to find our own way through it with help, but there is a way through.

Wow @northernpixie 5 years..!! That's one hell of a head fuck. All for the sake of someone else's selfish sexual pleasure. Actually that's a serious wake up call right there. I don't think I'd last 5 years in the hell of a mindset. I used to read mumsnet reading some of the stories thinking Omg how awful.. never did I think it would be my story one day. Just shows you.. and so many in this awful situation or those hurt and marriages broken down completely. I just can't see me being able to take this one on the chin ever. I feel like no matter what the future holds it has to be better than this! I just need to find the strength to get out and move on.

whynot I have experienced what you are going through. With me, it’s reading old WhatsApp messages in the week before I found out and then after I found out and piecing it all back together. I’m always reading up about infidelity too - I think I’m looking for someone to tell me what to do as it’s so hard to know what to do for the best.

In a similar boat to you - 2 young primary aged children, though no SEN. I’ve tried for a year but I’m still so angry and unhappy that he has agreed to move out once he finds somewhere.

I can’t believe you haven’t told anyone! How on earth have you coped, keeping something like this to yourself? I would’ve gone mad and have had loads of counselling since dday. It’s really helped me so I hope it does you too.