The fallout after the affair

[whynot93]

I thought I'd try and get others perspective on this..

I'm almost a year on from finding out about my husbands double life, we've tried hard to work through it but if I'm honest (and I have been with him) I've come to a crossroads recently as that 'finding out day' gets closer and it's suddenly occurred to me I'm suffering some sort of Post Traumatic Stress (I think).

Anyone have experience of this? I have self referred to counselling and have an initial consultation next week. I'm experiencing night terrors where I wake up either crying or bolt upright remembering a certain part of the affair (sounds odd but like flash backs of red flags I should have seen). I've also noticed rather than getting on with stuff during the day whilst the kids are at school I can often just sit in a chair staring blankly or going over and over stuff in my head. I actually don't remember last Christmas and the whole year has been a blur.. there's a certain tune / music that plays on my son's iPad on some sort of game and when I here it I remember the day I was floored by what I found - this music seems to take me back and I'm assuming that's some sort of flash back. I appreciate this all sounds a bit weird and if I'm honest I am a bit freaked out by it all but my question is has anyone else gone through similar after discovering an husband/partners affair.

Be gentle please I'm pretty fragile.

I agree with the five years. I’m 6 years on from finding out my ex H had an affair. The first year after he left I just went to work and came home. I didn’t go out socially as I just wanted to “re group” with my little boys. We spent a lot of time cuddled up on the sofa watching films etc. In a way it was a very special time - not what I would have chosen though. 6 years in I have an ok relationship with my ex. However the boys and I are very close. My ex H has missed out on so much of their growing up. I’m calmer now anc enjoy my company. I miss ex H but I don’t love him. I care for him but don’t like him because of his morals.

Sorry whynot93 I painted a rather bleak picture, I found I had to change to adapt to the new "reality", you can't go back, you can't un-know, you can't be un-betrayed. You do get through it bit by bit, I had to keep a lid on it for the sake of others, I don't know if that helped or hindered. After a while I did forget to be unhappy and found that I still trusted people but accepted that trusting someone doesn't mean that they are trustworthy.

Always remember it does get better (or perhaps less bad!), you will get through it. As far as I know there has only been 1 day since I found out that I haven't thought about it, but I can now think about it without getting distressed.

Good luck on your journey, its a lonely journey which is surprising since so many of us are on it.

I definitely suffered from PTS after my DHs affair. You really are not alone and it’s completely natural to feel these emotions.

It’s like a bereavement and yes! the triggers are everywhere. They will continue to be there but you will learn to deal with them.

I found that facing my demons helped immensely.

Leaving wasn’t for me as it wouldn’t take away the hurt, I would never trust again and ultimately, I wanted to be with him.

Oh - and I told no-one either x

For a moment there I thought I'd written something in my sleep!

I've had 2 D days and both were as hard as each other, my whole life revolves around them on the lead up to them - the way I felt around that time and it's so so hard, I know how you feel but I can't offer any advice as I struggle with it too

Good luck xxxx

To those of you saying you are not the happy person that you were before the affair. I kicked my H out. It was terrible. I cried. The kids cried. But that was 6 years ago. In that time I’ve made new friends. I’ve realised that if you love someone you don’t have an affair as there are lots of lovely marriages out there. I couldn’t live with the lack of trust. I felt that stress alone would kill me and ruin my relationship with my kids. Be brave. It is hard. But you can live as. Single parent.

Just reading back through your posts Whynot93 and it’s bringing back some familiar memories. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s hell 💐💐

I wrote down my thoughts and emotions and as time went by I could see that I was getting better. I wish I had kept them and written a book to help others xxx

@maryJenson I have actually thought about writing it all down, it's certainly been an epic episode in my life and one I never thought 'I' would be faced with. This sort of stuff happens to other people right? no.. it happens a lot and many marriages seem to fail because of it.

I feel like my husband is treading on eggshells right now, he knows I'm not coping well and at a crossroad of where and what next.

If I am honest I am waiting for the right time if there is such a thing. The house we currently live in is far too big and needs lots of work. I am pushing to get rid of this place and get myself and the children settled into something more manageable that I could potentially afford alone. I have always been an independent person, I don't want to be given living expenses by him like a kept woman (I do feel this way currently). I am planning to increase my part time self employed workload in the new year to fund myself better.. who knows I could be writing a best selling book by this time next year!

A time hop memory popped up on my facebook of this time last year this morning.. (an old lady with two toilet rolls for eyes and the slogan .. these special glasses allow me to see through your bullshit). So this time last year I was a raging mess with a sense of humour to match. Made me chuckle.

It's somehow healing to hear your stories, I mean that in a nice way! Knowing others have been through it and come out the other side is giving me hope. Thank you all xx