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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Reconciling and now being ignored

55 replies

Emeraldcleo123 · 22/11/2018 16:58

Hi, sorry for the long post. I'll try keep it short but need advice.
Husband and I split up last year which was amicable but still difficult. I started seeing someone I kinda knew from work a few months later (no longer work together now) and it was going great for a long time but we kept it secret. Just before we were due to not work together anymore I started to get annoyed that he still didn't want to tell anyone about me even his best friends. I was also stressed with some seperation stuff which he was understanding about but I got huffy a few times and had a go at him. Nothing terrible hough and for example I wanted to go on holiday as we had planned and there was always a reason why we couldn't plan anything.
Anyway he then dumped me at the end of July saying I pushed him too far. I accepted full responsibility and tried to say sorry and get him back and fix things but he was done. Ashamed to say but I probably did some pleading and came across as needy. Anyway I gave up and left him to it but a few weeks later we started messaging again and we met up and slept with each other. I was adamant I didn't want a FWB situation and I wanted to reconcile. Anyway after a week he would always go quiet then I would try to get him talking and the same thing kept happening. He kept saying he couldn't trust I would have a go at him and how he was willing to give me what I wanted if I had just been more patient etc.
Anyway after going back and forth including him giving me the silent treatment for 5 days then telling me he didn't want me we started talking again and have been messaging every day for 4 weeks and met up once. We don't live near each other but we didn't have an issue being in a long distance relationship.
He was always telling me what I did wrong then I would work on that and change it but then there would be another thing I was doing wrong, always shifting the goalposts.

He has been working away and doing long days and I was understanding he was busy. He said I had to do things at his pace which I was ok with but at the weekend I asked if we could call each other rather than message and he said I didn't need to ask but he would call when he could. Anyway on Tuesday he said he wasn't busy and I stupidly suggested he could call if he wants then he went off on one saying I don't listen and I keep going over the same stuff! I only wanted s phone call as I'm tired of trying to reconcile only on whatsapp. Anyway I had a bad feeling he would go quiet so I tried to get him talking which I know deep down he hates but I didn't know what else to do and I regret talking about phone calls!!

I haven't heard from him since!! He has read all my messages and I feel like a twat for messaging but he will not respond. I don't if he ever will!! I have stopped messaging now. There is no point in me trying to call as I know he won't answer.
I'm completely gutted and still blame myself for everything that went wrong and don't know what to do!!
I always seem to do everything wrong and get blamed for everything and I end up tiptoeing around worried I'll say the wrong thing and I'll upset him or he will feel pressured. It never used to be like this but I'm not allowed to say anything or he gets upset.
I'll likely never hear from him again and I'm completely heartbroken!
Any help or advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 22/11/2018 17:03

Oh you'll probably here from him again, he's playing you. Your best out of it.

Rhiannon13 · 22/11/2018 17:06

He was always telling me what I did wrong then I would work on that and change it but then there would be another thing I was doing wrong, always shifting the goalposts.

You deserve more. Look after yourself and move on. There are decent men out there if you learn to value yourself first.

Notacluewhatthisis · 22/11/2018 17:09

He is totally playing you.

And you are letting him.

Original poster
Emeraldcleo123 · 22/11/2018 17:10

I'm trying to be sane and tell myself if he really wanted me he wouldn't subject me to silent treatment. I don't undestsnd though why he can't just tell me it's done. I even messaged him telling him it was ok if he didn't want this. But to end it this way it's awful!!
It's realising I actually have to deal with this and get over it. I've never felt so heartbroken

OP posts:
Original poster
Emeraldcleo123 · 22/11/2018 17:12

It's been a year and a half in total we have been together so not new. Thought I would deserve more

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 22/11/2018 17:13

Oh you'll probably here from him again, he's playing you. Your best out of it.
^This.

Walkacrossthesand · 22/11/2018 17:14

It's never actually been smooth and good though, has it. He's messing you about. Don't let him. Clean break, this isn't working for me, end it.

Original poster
Emeraldcleo123 · 22/11/2018 17:25

I feel humiliated yet find it hard to move on. Trying not to send any more messages so I don't look like a complete loser. Just feel hurt as he knows how I feel about him and I really thought this time would be different. Before we broke up in July he was like a different person back then.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 22/11/2018 17:27

You keep chasing the man OP, sorry but please just stop; he goes quiet means he's ignoring you so you then up your game and keep contacting him, only to be treated like shit once again; I am sorry if I am sounding harsh, I'd say the same to my own daughter; you are wasting your time and energy on a man that is not actually interested, he probably sees you as a last resort, really not sure what else he can say to you to make you realise that you are flogging a dead horse.

I get you have feelings for him but they are definitely not reciprocated, get yourself out and about with friends, look for someone that will treat you with kindness and respect, it sure as hell isn't him.

PS: He won't tell you he's done until he replaces you with someone else, don't let him do this, you do it!

StormTreader · 22/11/2018 17:33

"I don't understand though why he can't just tell me it's done."

Because if he does that then things will be over and he wont get any more of this "a few weeks later we started messaging again and we met up and slept with each other."

Currently he might get that without any of the stuff he doesn't want to do - calling you, being in an actual relationship, all of that. He doesn't respect you enough to actually close the door on this.

Original poster
Emeraldcleo123 · 22/11/2018 17:33

We were completely best friends though before, seeing each other loads, always chatting on the phone. Ican't believe I now mean next to nothing, it's so sad and pretty tough for my self esteem. And I can't believe I let it get this far to only get hurt. Sorry!!

OP posts:
springydaff · 22/11/2018 17:35

Do the Freedom Programme. Either online or go along to a course.

In suggesting the Freedom Programme bcs he is abusive. All that silent treatment and walking on eggshells is what life is like with an abuser - and it gets much much worse. Much worse.

All that gagging for him thing is also bcs you have had your head and heart fried by an abuser. After he was a dream to begin with - until you were hooked.

Many of us have been in your position and got free. There is only one way with relationships like this and that's out. Get rid.

Then have a bit if therapy xx

Adora10 · 22/11/2018 17:36

You did nothing wrong OP you just ended up with a man that is not really committed, it happens to us all at some point; give yourself permission now to find someone worthy of you, yeah shame you were friends before but if I was you I'd leave them relationship well in the past.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/11/2018 17:39

As you say, being treated like this is really bad for your self-esteem.

Take control back. Protect your self-esteem. Ok, not messaging is hard, so take it one day at a time. But believe you deserve better.

Original poster
Emeraldcleo123 · 22/11/2018 17:41

Thanks for the advice. He kept telling me he wanted me to be the person he first met. I had a few stresses sorting out stuff with my husband.

I don't feel like I can be myself anymore. I don't get to be that person. Self esteem has certainly taking a total battering

OP posts:
Original poster
Emeraldcleo123 · 22/11/2018 17:42

It's just horrible feeling like you aren't good enough any more. I understand people change their minds but I thought I deserved a bit of respect and a goodbye!

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 22/11/2018 17:44

Time to find YOU again, OP. Forget this man, he's doing you harm. Rediscover yourself before you get involved with anyone else.

Original poster
Emeraldcleo123 · 22/11/2018 17:45

I hate feeling like this, going over good memories and thinking about what I did wrong. I keep being punished. The silent treatment is unbearable

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/11/2018 17:49

Of course he wants you to be the person you were when you first met - you made no demands, you were always fun. He can't handle you being a real person: in his mind, you're supposed to cater his needs.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/11/2018 17:52

Just because he doesn't give you respect and an honourable goodbye, doesn't mean you don't deserve it, OP. Stay with him and he'll soon have you believing you're just not good enough. He already has, hasn't he?

Original poster
Emeraldcleo123 · 22/11/2018 17:54

The past few months of trying to get back together he constantly reminded me how he was there in the same place as I was and ready to give me it all but I couldn't see the wood from the trees. It's just embedded in me now that it's my fault.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 22/11/2018 17:57

He’s using you. Plain and simple. Be it a hook up or someone to talk to when he’s bored or whatever. I’m sure when it first started out it was pretty good. Maybe along the way you did make mistakes but you deserve better than this. You probably feel like you’re stranded in an ocean and he’s the only bit of driftwood to cling to.

Add to that your own feelings of low self worth and you have a perfect recipe for misery. Let me be clear. He’s not good enough for you. You can do much better. Take whatever time you need. Block him. Delete his number. Ignore his messages. Learn to live without his validation. Move on from him.

You will eventually meet someone who appreciates and cares for you.

Original poster
Emeraldcleo123 · 22/11/2018 18:04

I've invested so much time and effort. What a waste. I feel miserable. I keep thinking he might change his mind but I know I guess deep down he doesn't want me. Unrequited love is the worst.....

OP posts:
SabineUndine · 22/11/2018 18:07

You ARE good enough. HE isn’t.

maximumcarnage · 22/11/2018 18:08

Unrequited love? Story of my life right there. To be fair I never listen to the advice I peddle. I just don’t bother anymore. I have whisky for when I get especially lonely.