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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At least I know where I stand. Twat.

26 replies

drinkswineoutofamug · 21/11/2018 23:00

Without the drip feed. Not getting on with oh of 23 yrs. not married. Have 5 yrs left on mortgage.3 adult kids.
After an argument tonight I know where I stand.
Had issues with oh not supporting me with DD prison sentence and other things.
So tonight, huge argument, home truths came out. Harsh both sides , apparently he wishes I had never got pregnant, he was stupid to get me pregnant . I am just a hired home help, and nanny. Apparently I do fuck all round the house. 😂😂😂😂 I work full time. Just got an apprenticeship. Do all house work and diy . I'm lucky if he washes a cup.
So already got my paperwork sorted. What he pays, what I pay. Rent round here is daft and a 1 bedflat are very rare. Also registered with homechoice, but expect to be low banding. There are other more deserving families than me.
I've told him that he can now take over everything, running of the house, sorting of DD appointments and dealing with probation and ss. He can't though , as he works full time.
Oh , icing on the cake. I went to work the night his dad died. He forgets I worked nights while nursing his dad through his last days & sorted funeral after. Men do have short memories don't they.
Am I jumping the gun? Or should I just leave? I've been with him since I was 18. I'm mentally worn out and fed up of doing everything myself

OP posts:
GloomyMonday · 21/11/2018 23:11

It doesn't sound like he adds anything to your life, and you don't like each other, so I think it's time to move on and find a bit of happiness.

Original poster
drinkswineoutofamug · 21/11/2018 23:17

He's told me if I leave he will make my life a misery. How can it be more miserable than it is?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 21/11/2018 23:27

Does he often make threats to you?

If there is any history of violent behaviour I would not leave your dc with him.

penisbeakers · 21/11/2018 23:29

If your kids are adults, leave him and stay with one of them. Let him TRY and make your life a misery, something tells me he won't succeed. He sounds pathetic.

Original poster
drinkswineoutofamug · 21/11/2018 23:35

No , no threats. He's turned into a nasty coercive bully. It won't work. I'm wise to his shit. I know what I need to do. I will have to save. So it's not an midnight flit. It's not that easy when people say pack your bags and leave. I need funds.

OP posts:
Musti · 21/11/2018 23:39

Is the house in your name too?

Original poster
drinkswineoutofamug · 21/11/2018 23:44

Yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
drinkswineoutofamug · 21/11/2018 23:45

He won't leave though. And I don't have a patio( tempting atm) 😂

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 21/11/2018 23:52

Thank God at least the house isn't in his sole name

Original poster
drinkswineoutofamug · 21/11/2018 23:58

I'm in the spare room. Watching Netflix with a brew. Scheming.

OP posts:
redastherose · 22/11/2018 00:00

Get yourself some money saved up and go see a solicitor to work out what you may be entitled to. Being alone is better than putting up with his shit forever. Work out a plan of what you want to do and sort out money for a deposit for rent. You can then move out and start divorce proceedings without having to live in the same house as him. Lucky that your DC's are adults as no need for keeping in contact going forward.

littlemisscomper · 22/11/2018 00:01

And I don't have a patio

Yet. Wink

In all seriousness I was going to say have a few days break from each other and see how you feel when everything has calmed down. Things can be said in the heat of the moment that aren't necessarily meant. But then I got to the bit where he said if you left he would make your life a misery. That's just plain abusive and can't be tolerated.

Original poster
drinkswineoutofamug · 22/11/2018 00:07

We aren't married thank the Lord. Wasn't that daft. The only thing in both our names is the house. I can afford to take the mortgage on my self. But he won't leave. And yes thank god the kids are adults now.
Money is a worry. I will take a wage drop for the next 2 yrs but this apprenticeship will lead to a better job. A higher band. I wonder if some of it is jealousy. I've worked hard to get through 3 years of a ou ba honours. I've not finished it but that's helped me get this new job. He tells me I've wasted my time as I've had to defer , but I intend to take it back up once I've done this other training program. No well done, you've worked hard. I've spread myself thin these past few years with dealing with daughter. Taken time off work to deal with her. Think icing on the cake for me was when she tried to hang herself. I went with her in the ambulance. He went to bed as he had to go to work in the morning!

OP posts:
Original poster
drinkswineoutofamug · 22/11/2018 00:10

HES A SELFISH , ARROGANT PRICK.

That feels better.

OP posts:
Worriedmummybekind · 22/11/2018 00:19

Think icing on the cake for me was when she tried to hang herself. I went with her in the ambulance. He went to bed as he had to go to work in the morning!

Unless he would have been fired and you would all have been homeless I cannot imagine what kind of person does that. Even in my worst jobs I could have taken a day off in my child (even adult one) had tried to kill themselves. It sounds like you have had a tough few years. I wish the very best in finding a path to happiness OP.

Original poster
drinkswineoutofamug · 22/11/2018 00:22

He's self employed. Took time off when he cut his hand though 😒
I know where my priorities lie. Just wish he would wake up to them as well. 4th kid and all that. Flipping manchild

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat4 · 22/11/2018 00:34

He sounds like a real arsehole. But 23 years and no marriage proposal? I would have fucked him off years ago. I know we're all different but if I wasn't good enough to marry and only shack up with for 23 years, I would feel like I was worth nothing. It's like, imo, you allowed him to disrespect you by treating you as just a live in girlfriend and not commit to you.

WitchesBritches · 22/11/2018 00:45

Salem - you’re the gift that keeps giving. 1950 has sent another ‘Please return the Cat’ telex.

See a Solicitor re the house, you need to move out, to one of your kids if you have to, just get out.

BirdseyeFrozen · 22/11/2018 00:46

Some men can't cope with women who get an education and do a bit better for themselves. I've seen it so many times.
I'm really so sorry about what happened with your daughter. He sounds a shit.
Fly away as soon as you are able

penisbeakers · 22/11/2018 06:21

May he fall penis first into a pit of horribly infected needles, and accidentally set himself on fire after.

NewStartNow · 22/11/2018 07:44

Oh witches. I wish there was a like button.

redastherose · 24/11/2018 17:57

@drinkswineoutofamug as you're not married why don't you just tell him it's over and either he moves or you will. If he won't then put the house in the market and split the equity once it's sold. Better to start again rather than put up with his shit.

glitterelf · 24/11/2018 18:05

It's time you got out of this relationship and started being honest with yourself. He hasn't changed and he won't change.

RebelWitchFace · 24/11/2018 18:07

It should be over. It should've been a ling time ago. Wether it will be,it's entirely up to you. Good luck.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 24/11/2018 18:21

drinkswine you've had enough shit to put up with this twat.

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