How will I cope with this loss?

[PocketRocket83]

Please can you help me. I'm really struggling and need some support please.

I have very deep feelings for a married colleague. I'm also married and we both have children. I don't know how he feels about me but we have become very close friends. He's a good man and would never cheat on his wife. He's leaving the company soon and I won't see him as often.

I'm so sad. He's my closest friend. I really like him as a person and will miss not seeing him every day.

Things with my husband are not great. I think we're breaking up.

My question is, how do I cope with the next couple of weeks? And how to I deal with the time after that when he has left the office?

I'm not going to tell him how I feel because it won't achieve anything. He is a very good person.

I have read about limerence but I don't think I have that. I want him to be happy. It's less selfish than a crush. I just need some advice on how to cope with this loss.

Thanks so much. Please don't think I'm a bad person. I just love someone I shouldn't.

I've thought about staying friends with him. In fact we have discussed it and have agreed to stay in touch. But I know that I love him and, if I'm truly honest, I would be friends with him with the hope that one day his circumstances might change and we could be together.

You don't just love someone you shouldn't. You wish he reciprocated, you wish he'd act on it, and you're sad he's going, wedge thigh that's the best thing for him and his family. If you were really 'unselfish' and wanted him to be happy you'd be thrilled he's leaving any possibility of messing his.life up. If you were selfish and worried about how much YOU would miss.him, how he made YOU feel listened to and valued in a way you're dh doesn't, yes then you would be gutted. Please be honest with yourself.

MerryMarigold, you're right. I do wish he reciprocated but I think if you love someone then it's natural yo want them to love you back.

I am selfish, I accept that. I'm just looking for ways to cope with the inevitable loss I will feel when he goes. I want him to be happy. He's happy with his wife and children (I presume) but that doesn't mean that I'm not hurting inside.

Its hard, but you'd be better not to keep in touch. Let him be and either focus on fixing or leaving your marriage.

Surfskatefamily, it's so hard. I really value my friendship with him. I worry that if I gave up the friendship then I'd panic and this would blow up into an even bigger thing than it is already.

In my past breakups i got over tyem by having something else to focus on. Normally sport. Try tennis, boxing etc

I'm not saying you shouldn't feel hurt. Although you have got yourself here to be honest. But if you genuinely want the best for him, then let him go, knowing that's the best way he's going to be able to keep being a good guy and not cheat on his wife.

Its very unhealthy to stay in contact. Firstly his wife and children, also that with him in your life you probably wont truly be open to sorting with hubby or maybe a new man in future.
Its hard but then lifes hard sometimes and you just have to do it. You cant just pine after someone elses man if you want to move forward

It's not love OP it's at most a highly desirable friendship with a close colleague. Everyone puts on their 'best face' at work, we're often funnier, more light-hearted, feel more 'ourselves' at work because we have to set aside our daily issues to focus on being a productive employee. The above is why workplace affairs are rife. It sounds more like you're focussing on him because your marriage is struggling. This won't help you, and neither will staying in close contact.

I feel like I'm this ridiculous situation where we are so close and we tell each other everything and talk about everything. Yet this really important part of my life, how I feel about him, is kept secret from him. And he's my best friend and I want to tell him so he can help me to make everything better. But I can't because it would burden him and I can't because it would just humiliate me and ruin our friendship.

FlyingMonkeys, I think I do love him as a friend. I love who he is as a person. I love his flaws. This isn't a superficial colleague colleague relationship. We have become closer friends than I have ever been with anyone.

So this person is your emotional support, you need to address that. You need that emotional connection with someone appropriate

RandomMess yes you're right. He's my closest confidante and my emotional support. That's a good place to start.

As your marriage is possibly ending why don't you find a good counsellor for now and work on building some female friendships?

But if things were 'amazing' at home you probably wouldn't be feeling like this, and it sounds like that's the crux of your current issue. Many of us end up with work wives/husbands (horrible term) that we spend more hours a week with than our families. Difficult sectors in regards to stress levels, 1:1 teams, confidentiality can result in fostering a very close knit relationship (because we have to due to the nature of the job). You look forward towards long shifts that would potentially be a slog otherwise. But that still doesn't equal a proper relationship. Maybe you will keep in touch, or maybe it'll fizzle out naturally because in the kindest possible way... When someone moves on to their new job they will invest their time building a new network/relationship with a co-worker and talking about everything & anything if they 'click' personality wise.

RandomMess I'm fortunate that I do have some good female friends. But I suppose this is different. It's like a best friend but one that I'm still getting to know do it's exciting. Plus there's a phenomenal physical attraction.

It's a crush, not limerance a pure simple you fancy the pants off him.

RandomMess, ha ha! I do fancy the pants off him. Totally! But I have had crushes in the past and they were different. In the past I didn't really know the person properly. But this time we know each other very well.

Marriage is a social construct and everyone’s insistence that it’s ‘impossible’ to be in love with someone who is married to someone else is ridiculous. Any minute now someone will be on suggesting you imagine him on the toilet. I think it sounds like you could be in love with him but recognise it can’t go any further. Hard as it is, a clean break is the only way forward.

Fantasy. He's leaving and this is upping the anti. You romanticising about the things you could/should say. Say them out loud somewhere where nobody can hear you, just get them out of your body so you get to say them because if you did say them out loud to him, it would create a load of s**t and who knows where all this would end up?

But on the one hand you're stating you are best friends and discuss everything with each other. Yet on the other you 'presume' his marriage is happy. So he obviously doesn't discuss his home/personal life with you? It does sound like you may be projecting far more into this than he's actually involved in.

I'm not saying she's not in love. I'm saying that love is wanting what's best for him, which is that he stays close to his wife, and is there for his family. Because it sounds like he's the kind of guy who would respect himself if he does this.

Thank you Houseofmirth66. It means so much to me that someone can see it from that perspective. I thought I was an evil, selfish witch for feeling something that to me feels so pure and good.

BackInTheRoom I will try the out loud thing. Good plan.

FlyingMonkeys, he is very traditional. He's happy enough. He's loyal to his wife and never criticises her or their relationship. To him, family is the most important thing. But he admits that marriage is hard. He doesn't light up when he talks about his wife. I have met her.