How will I cope with this loss?

[PocketRocket83]

Please can you help me. I'm really struggling and need some support please.

I have very deep feelings for a married colleague. I'm also married and we both have children. I don't know how he feels about me but we have become very close friends. He's a good man and would never cheat on his wife. He's leaving the company soon and I won't see him as often.

I'm so sad. He's my closest friend. I really like him as a person and will miss not seeing him every day.

Things with my husband are not great. I think we're breaking up.

My question is, how do I cope with the next couple of weeks? And how to I deal with the time after that when he has left the office?

I'm not going to tell him how I feel because it won't achieve anything. He is a very good person.

I have read about limerence but I don't think I have that. I want him to be happy. It's less selfish than a crush. I just need some advice on how to cope with this loss.

Thanks so much. Please don't think I'm a bad person. I just love someone I shouldn't.

I would genuinely say don't be hard on yourself OP. It's fine to grieve the upcoming loss of this relationship. It's clearly very important to you. I think you're very wise to not risk souring it by declaring your feelings. Instead use them as a catalyst towards a happier future for yourself. If your marriage is coming to an end and this man highlights traits you want in a relationship moving forwards then that's something to focus on rather than him specifically.

MerryMarigold I do want what's best for him. It's just so sad that we can't all be happy at the same time.

I had a massive crush on a colleague about 2 years ago, happily with my dp but I just developed this big crush on a man I worked with, dp was working away a lot at the time so we became a bit distant I guess. He was basically everything I'd dreamed my future husband would be as a teenager. We became quite good friends and it developed from there, he was really funny, we got on really well. Nothing ever happened, one night out he tried it on but I made sure nothing happened. We never flirted or anything it was literally just a big crush

Anyway I realised I had to put a stop to it after that, so I withdrew from the friendship but I still saw him obviously all the time at work. I was leaving the job and I was worried about not seeing him again even though at the same time I knew this was for the best. Which is ridiculous.

As soon as I stopped seeing him it fizzled out almost immediately. It was the fantasy I liked not the actual man, if we'd both been single probably something would have happened by I doubt it would have been a forever relationship, its almost an addiction to the fantasy rather than love. It wasn't painful or upsetting, it was nothing like a breakup. I just stopped seeing him and within about 2 days was completely over it.

You have a crush, a big crush and there's probably that same element of addiction there. You will pine a bit but then you will be over him. It's not meant to be. If you were both single and dated you would probably find out he's not all he's cracked up to be.

FlyingMonkeys, yes I had thought that I should appreciate him for that reason. I suppose I'm scared. I haven't felt this way about anyone since I met my ex boyfriend 19 years ago. I'm afraid that I'll never experience this again.

Thanks for sharing your story DishranawaywiththeSpoon. Yes I will try to think about his less than positive points! Of which there are some.

I’d like to echo what FlyingMonkeys has very clearly articulated. Departure of a close colleague is difficult - we spend so much time working with them they can feel like a major part of our lives. Yet there is often very little significance placed on our relationships with them once that link is broken, either through job change or even death.

You’ve made a very good friend in what sounds to be an upstanding person. Your love for him as a friend has told you to be happy for him in his choices, and held you back from doing something in haste you probably will regret.

Marriage takes work. You shouldn’t read into the fact he doesn’t light up when talking about his marriage - that doesn’t say anything about the state of it. Also, when he leaves, after an appropriate period of sadness, you will hopefully have a clearer mind with which to look at your own marriage without the distraction of seeing him at work daily.

Confronting your innermost fantasies and desires takes strength, I think you are strong and good at heart. I wish you all the best.

Thank you IsThisSeeSawTaken