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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sense check needed - AIBU!? >>>>>

26 replies

peaky297 · 21/11/2018 09:00

So my husband is best man at a wedding next year and I just feel that what is expected of him both time and cost wise is getting a bit beyond. None of the bits individually would cause a problem, but added together I just feel like his friend is taking the p!ss.
Firstly, his friend wanted a stag abroad (fair enough), but insisted on it being for 3 nights rather than the standard 2 nights, meaning more cost and more time needed off work for DH.
On top of this, he wants another stag at home in Manchester for the friends who have declined to go due to cost / time away from their wives and very young children.

Then, to top it all off, the wedding is abroad and in a popular destination smack bang in the middle of the summer holidays. This means that DH and I each need to use 4 days worth of annual leave and all in all it will probably cost us at least £1000 just to attend.

The straw that broke the camels back was last night when DH told me that even though the wedding is on a Thursday, we need to make sure that we are there on the Monday as his friend now wants ANOTHER stag do when we arrive at the destination of the wedding. For this, DH will go out and I will be left alone in a foreign hotel room basically waiting for him to come back, plus it means more expensive / inconvenient flight times to get there in time for stag night number 3!

DH agrees that he asking a bit much, but just keeps saying it’s his wedding and there’s nothing he can do because he is best man and has to attend everything. I just feel like if I was MOH and the Bride was behaving like his friend is, I would politely draw the line somewhere and I am getting frustrated at DH for putting this above everything else. It is worth adding that we are going to start trying for a baby, so when a lot of these shenanigans are going on I may well (hopefully) be pregnant.

Am I being unreasonable to be getting irritated at all this? Sense check please ladies!

OP posts:
pattyhoo · 21/11/2018 09:07

Three stag do's?! Who the hell does this man think he is?! YANBU.

ShatnersWig · 21/11/2018 09:09
  1. We're not all ladies on MN.
  2. You are not in the least bit unreasonable.
  3. The groom is cheeky fucker.
  4. Your DH is a wuss and if he goes along with this, he's a fucking moron to boot.
sackrifice · 21/11/2018 09:10

Surely he just chooses one stag do?

And you don't all have to attend the wedding.

Eatmycheese · 21/11/2018 09:10

No way josé
You don’t need to ask if YABU you are most definitely bloody well not.

The stag needs to get a grip.

TwitterQueen1 · 21/11/2018 09:12

What Shatner said ^

MaverickSnoopy · 21/11/2018 09:13

Who says that just because he's best man he has to do everything?! So if the groom told him to jump off a cliff he'd do that too?! Presumably as best man his "duties" are to attend the wedding and assist at the wedding and to organise the stag do....not 700 stag do's.

YANBU

MamaLovesMango · 21/11/2018 09:14

You’re DH is being pathetic not to stand up for your finances and time and say no. His attitude would be a massive worry for me to be honest

Musti · 21/11/2018 09:15

Tell your dh that he's no longer single with unlimited funds for fun and that his priorities are different now. 3 stay dos and a massive expense when you're trying for a baby is ridiculous.

certificateofauthenticity · 21/11/2018 09:22

What ShatnersWig said. It's not the cost, it's the mentality. Doesn't bode well for the marriage in my opinion. The groom is not ready to grow up.. YANBU.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 21/11/2018 09:24

No no no no no no. One stag do and you fly over for the wedding when it suits you. And he spends the time abroad with you, because it's your holiday. I guarantee all the other stags will be grateful if he puts his foot down.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 21/11/2018 09:25

The groom is not ready to grow up.. YANBU. And this. Tell DH to factor in all the stags he'll have to spend time and money on next time his dick mate gets married.

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/11/2018 09:27

I would absolutely have drawn the line by now!
I think having stag/hen do's abroad and expecting people to go are taking the p*ss anyway to be honest. And 3 stag do's?! It's not like he's never going to be able to go out with his mates again once he's married so I just don't understand it.
I think your DH and you going to the wedding abroad and ONE stag do is more than generous with his/your time and money.

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 21/11/2018 09:34

YANBU, to an extent I don’t even think the groom is BU cos it’s his wedding and he can decide on what he likes with the understanding that the more elaborate and expensive it gets, the fewer people will be able to attend. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for me to state I’m having a month long hen do, but it would be unreasonable to expect anyone to attend!

Your problem is with your DH here. I reckon he wants to do it all or he’d have put his foot down by now. Being best man doesn’t come with a salary that means money and time are no object. It’s an honour to be asked but it in no way overrides the normal considerations in life such as family, time and money.

Your DH obviously needs to let his friend know he can’t make it all. if I said that to any one of my close friends they’d all understand totally and thank me for the time and effort expended on the things I CAN attend.

If he won’t say anything and goes anyway, he’s either someone who wants to prioritise having fun and doing all of this, or such a sap he’s too scared to put his family before his friend. Neither of which are great in a husband, but talk to him.

MMmomDD · 21/11/2018 09:35

OP - you don’t have kids yet. And is his best friend and it’s HIS wedding.
Are you worried about them getting up to no good???

Sure - maybe it’s a bit excessive, but if your H isn’t always throwing money around - why not just not get between him and his friend?
There will be a lot of other times when you’ll have to be responsible grown ups....

And enjoy the summer holiday destination wedding. Glass CAN be half full....
As to you possibly being pregnant at the time - as a person who’s been that twice - I can tell you - pregnancy is not an ailment and you won’t need him to be your carer.
He still should he able to go to a party and you can endure a night in a hotel.

You seem upset about it. But life is too short for things like that.

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 21/11/2018 09:35

Also, I would assume if you were asked to be maid of honour of someone you wouldn’t suddenly be able to find thousands of pounds and multiple days away from your family!

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 21/11/2018 09:37

MMmomDD because unless they’re rich, they’re planning a baby, and babies cost money. OP isn’t saying she doesn’t want him to go to any of the stag dos.

ShatnersWig · 21/11/2018 09:40

Are you worried about them getting up to no good???

ODFOD @MMmomDD

Your post is ridiculous.

MMmomDD · 21/11/2018 09:46

Well - Op’s Husband also has a say in it, doesn’t he... And it seems that he wants to do it, despite the expense. So I presume, they can afford it.

That’s why I said - if he often throws money around - it’s one thing...
But it’s an indulgence - we all do that at times.....

And OP does sound a bit controlling. Women often get funny around stag parties.
And I think one either trusts the other person or doesn’t.

MMmomDD · 21/11/2018 09:49

@ShatnersWig

Did I offend you with my opinion that is different to yours?
I am so very sorry

Next time I’ll run it by you before voicing any non-party line commebts...

I hope you survive this

ShatnersWig · 21/11/2018 09:49

Controlling? Fuck me, heard it all now.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/11/2018 09:50

3 stag dos is taking the piss.

Even 3 nights for the first one is over the top.

I think your DH is going along with it because he gets to play at acting like he is single/carefree again.

there’s nothing he can do because he is best man and has to attend everything

I call bullshit. Of course he can say he can't attend everything.

Who does the groom think he is? Elizabeth bloody Taylor?

MyKingdomForBrie · 21/11/2018 09:55

Oh god YANBU at all what a nightmare. I think if DH really didn't want to do it he would rein him in. You need to opt out of your share of arriving early for the wedding at least!

Graphista · 21/11/2018 10:06

EITHER OP's dh is a wuss OR he wants to go to all the stag dos. Possibly a combo of the 2.

Groom is taking piss - I'm surprised bride is putting up with all this or is she just as bad?

Best mans job is to help groom ORGANISE, to ensure the wedding goes smoothly from the grooms side and to look after the bridesmaids (traditionally) this is ridiculous.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 21/11/2018 10:15

Your DH needs to learn how to say no.

Joysmum · 21/11/2018 10:26

How many families could afford the time and money to do all that! Shock

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