Do I belong in Stately Homes??? (and where is it?)

[HolyCalamity]

I saw a therapist for a while recently about sexual assault that i experienced years ago. My relationship with my parents kept coming up and i dont feel like i got to the bottom of it.

Is it possible to be emotionally neglected by parents, and does this sound like it? I definitely wasnt abused in anyway but i could never talk to them about anything. It sounds really trivial, but when i look at the relationship i have with my kids, there is a very stark difference. Also when i look at relationships that my friends have with their parents.

So some examples (which in isolation sound like nothing much)...if i ever talked to my mum about friendship problems as a child, she would always dismiss/minimise and say we should all just play nicely together. I dont think either of them have ever congratulated me on anything that i have acheived in my life (pHd, good job, chartered...after originally dropping from school at 16)..when i got my most recent job, which was a massive step up; my mums comment was 'you better not mess this up'. They are both highly critical and/or make a joke of everything.

They would never ever recognise that they werent anything other than supportive. Tthey are in practical terms and from an outsiders perspective, which confuses me. They visit alot, bring food, do child care etc But it feels superficial.

I am middleaged so it doesnt really matter anymore!! But my kids are 15 and 10. I tell them that i love them multiple times a day. They can talk to me about anything and do. I am very careful that any criticism is constructive. I wouldnt dream of making a joke of emotions/situations they were struggling with.

I think i am worried that despite this, at some point our relationships will become similar...as i dont understand how it was ever like thiat

"'you better not mess this up'. They are both highly critical and/or make a joke of everything."

Is your mum my mum?

On my wedding day, the photographer said 'say something to make her smile': everyone else: 'you look gorgeous/happy/glowing' etc. My mum: 'Shall I tell him if there's still time to run if he wants to?' My dad: ' well it took you long enough, is he sure he actually wants to marry you?'

Ha ha ha lololol etc. The photographer was gobsmacked.

My MIL said: 'we're so happy and proud to have you in our family, we love you so much and I love you.' She wrote me a whole letter full of advice and good wishes. My own mother picked a fight with me an hour before because she couldn't find my dad and I asked her to calm down.

She was like this my whole childhood. Making snide comments, putting me down, taking over important moments for me...

It SUCKS.

And it DOES matter. Don't say it doesn't, because this stuff affects you for life.

Thats awful hiashi...can you ever imagine making a comment like that to one of your children??? I dont get it
. Do they genuinely think they are being funny?? That everyone else will think its funny?? Do they not consider at all, that it might be upsetting?

Honestly ask8ng these questions. Because its hard to imagine that they are being purposefully mean? For what reason would they be doing that?

My mother was a bully at school. She admitted it, immediately explaining it was because she was bullied first, due to health issues. Her being bullied was real, I'm sure her reaction to become a bully was kind of understandable. But then she'd point out someone she'd known at school and say, "ago, it's so-and-so, I used to bully her at school," and laugh in an oh-well way, as if that's how things were.

This is what you're looking at, I think, at least for a lot of parents like this. They are bullied but feel justified, and feel as if it's normal. Yes, they'd expect others to laugh at their cruel jokes, because they see themselves as in charge and in the right. Yes, they know it might hurt you but that's your fault for being too sensitive - you made me bully you, stop being so weak, be strong a bully like me.

And in the end, those kinds of comments and behaviour get them the attention, postie, negative, doesn't matter, so that makes it worthwhile too.

It's an awfully harsh realisation when it hits you that your parent cares more about their power for a moment than your deeper feelings.

Please forgive all the typos, my phone hates me.

I hear what you are saying. I find it hard to reconcile that with my parents though, particularly my mum. She is not loud or attention seeking. She is not all that outgoing. Shes very friendly and helpful. But she does seem to think that buys her the right to treat you as she likes. That said, she doesnt treat people badly even. She is just critical. And controlling. She seems to think that if i object then i am being ungrateful. Does that make sense even?

holy I have never been like that with my daughter (or any kids - I'm a teacher) but I know I have definitely heard my mother's critical words come out of my mouth directed at boyfriends/my husband/friends. I hate it. And I have always apologised immediately, whereas my mother always doubles down and tells me I'm too sensitive/too weak/can't take a joke etc. I also definitely don't do it in the face of people's achievements etc, it's more like if my husband drops something and I immediately snap 'for God's sake' or something like that. Definitely can't imagine him saying 'I got a promotion' and me saying 'well, don't fuck it up dummy' like my mum would say.

It's mainly when I'm tired/stressed, but it's something I have to watch for constantly and I hate it.

When I was younger, I definitely thought it made me stronger or something. I was very anxious and depressed and it made me feel better to push people away.

Now I try not to be like that, but I think it will be a lifelong battle.

Thank God I don't have to watch myself around any kids though, I don't know why, maybe because I don't feel threatened by them at all.

Oh yeah and what I wanted to say was that my mum DEFINITELY felt threatened by me growing up. She definitely felt like I was taking her place as the woman in the family or something, that I was smarter/had more opportunities/more confidence/prettier...not to say that any of those things are true, but I know that's how she felt.

Just because you weren’t physically abused does mean your weren’t treated poorly with life long consequences.

Mine was probably jealous of me and the opportunities I had versus her 1950’s with a sexist father childhood.

I was supposed to love the life she would have. But I wasn’t, so she made sure I knew how wrong I was. Little to no love or encouragement. Very uninterested in me as myself. Changed the subject if I told her anything nice about me. ‘I have a new boyfriend.’ ‘ when will
I get hat bag back?’

Yelling and screaming and things that didn’t remotely require a raised voice.

All that has led to anxiety for me and a lifetime of questioning if I am good enough.

Just because I wasn’t physically abused (was occasionally hit) doesn’t mean I should ignore it, and the effects it has had and the potential effects it will have on my family.

*live

Can I join this club? I could have written Hisaishi's post.

I try to be forgiving to my mum as she bought me up alone and I can't imagine how hard that was at the time. My mum and GPs made sure I had everything I needed but I don't remember my mum ever hugging me. She was certainly unable to say 'I love you' or wish me luck or congratulate me on any life achievements. She would always lose her temper quickly and scream at us for small things. And yes, Aussiebean, my mum would also change the subject if I told her some good news about me.

In our family it was always legitimate to 'poke fun' at each other, and any reaction to this was put down as 'not taking a joke'. It's only after many years of upsetting my DH that I have finally realised that sharp comments are not 'just kidding' and hurt, even if made without any conscious intention to hurt - I think this way of interacting had just become habit to me.

I feel as if I was definitely emotionally neglected and also fight a daily battle to not let this behaviour continue down the generations. I am aware of my harsh voice creeping out when I'm tired with the kids.

Although I never make jokes about the kids' feelings and am always positive and supportive with them I worry that they have seen me being snarky with their Dad when they were smaller before I wised up and that this may have affected them. I can see the look of apprehension in my eldest's eye when he thinks I might tell him off and it breaks my heart.

I thank my lucky stars every day that my lovely DH has not only stayed with me but helped me improve this behaviour. It's only now that I can see that my repellent behaviour when I was younger (and thought that was a strong, feisty attitude) repelled many friends and boyfs.

I now have minimal contact with DM, and that works best for me.

Sorry never finished - Holy, yes it's possible and yes, it sounds like it.

It sounds as if you have not let it affect your relationship with your children which is a triumph.

Has anyone on this thread found anything such as counselling has helped? (I think I should go but put it off..)

Im embarrased to say, i think i talked to my ex husband in an awful critical/'joking' way. And have only realised that in retrospect.

I really relate to having the idea that i was strong and feisty when i was younger. What i am left with now though, is an inability to accept any help. I dont like feeling vulnerability or weakness. I need to be self reliant. Which is exhausting

raas i cant really get on with counselling. I am very very very evasive and dont know how to stop/dont want to stop...see previous comment about being unable to bear feeling vulnerable or weak. I use humour and sarcasm to avoid talking about things often. Suprise suprise

holy you sound like me. Vulnerability and weakness are really hard for me.

Holy, here is the latest Stately Homes thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3123281-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families, which, in the OP, links to previous threads - plus other useful links.

It’s great that you see the problem, but don’t use it as an excuse to not at least try.

Look for a counsellor who has experience with toxic parents and who doesn’t promote staying in contact.

Maybe even show them the thread as an introduction so they get an idea of where you think you are at without you having to actually to say it.

It would be a shame to go through all the realisation and not go further.

Something to think about when you are ready.