ExH new found love of DS

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

With ex 23 years, married 16. 2 young adult DC. Part of my unhappiness in the marriage was H's feelings towards DS, now 21. H loved DS but didn't seem to "like" him or make any attempt to understand him or get to know him. He had me in tears one-day when he said he wasn't proud of him as there was nothing to be proud of. DS is a wonderful, empathic young man who is socially a little awkward but is just fantastic. H constantly moaned about DS because he wasn't outgoing enough, didn't go to parties, lads holidays etc.etc. Both DC said they didn't mind when H left as he hardly spoke to them anyway and when he did, it was to moan at them. They both say the house is happier without him there.

So fast forward to 4.months since H left for his OW, and DS is his new found best mate. Takes him out all the time, always phoning him to see what he's up to, agreeing to get him things that he was previously forbidden to have. I know it's good for DS to have a better relationship with his dad but I can't help but feel a little pissed off. H tends to not ask DD along to these boys days/nights out which upsets her and DS doesnt exactly want to hang out with his mum! So I get all the parenting while he gets to be Disney dad. I am scared of "losing" DS and am dreading the OW getting trotted out to meet them in the not too distant future.

So I know IABU .....So how do I make peace with this and just be happyfor DS?

Your DS is 21? You say you are being left with the “parenting” but how much parenting does he need at that age? Shouldn’t he be living on his own and having his own life now? I hope you aren’t doing all of his cooking/washing etc? Is he paying his own way in life? If not, that’s your answer. Make him move out and be independent and you then get to be “Disney mum” too. Meet him for lunches and days out rather than just picking up after him.

What parenting? What do you mean things he was forbidden? He is an adult.
You talk about your son as though he is a child.
I think this is more about your feelings towards the OW and your husband.

You say 'part of your unhappiness', so even though he left for someone else, you weren't happy.

You need to start looking at the positives and focus on helping your daughter with her upset.

Your son is a grown man. His relationship with his father is his business and not something for you to dictate or be involved with. It's time to let him grow up.

At 21 your DS is old enough to drive a car, to rent a flat, to buy a house. He can have credit cards and be in full time work.... in other words he IS an adult.
I don't see the point of your thread.

I suppose it is all a bit raw for you at the moment, but my ex rarely gave any money for child support, when he had dd, he only ever seemed to say no to her for everything. I used to dream about the "revenge" when she would have nothing to do with him when she was an adult, but now they get on great and I am glad. We only want the best for our children.

I am a counsellor and psychotherapist who works with young adults. IME although they welcome the chance to reconnect with formerly estranged and distant parents (and often reap the financial benefits of parental guilt), underneath they are remarkably clear eyed and know well who it was that stuck by them and gave them time and attention when times were tough. They know how much more important that is than flashy gifts, holidays or nights out.

Your DS sounds lovely OP. He knows who his mum is and how much you love him. The chances of you losing him to this unreliable Disney dad are miniscule.

@Coyiacan - yes, I think it's so raw, adapting to the different family dynamic now. And i do want the best for my DC.

Other posters - when I said my son was "socially awkward" , i was meaning that he is quite child like in some ways and completely lacks confidence in dealing with "adult" things....possibly has autism though never officially diagnosed.

This was one of the things H found difficult to accept about him - that he wasn't like other children/ young people.. I "parent" him in the sense that I am showing him how to cook, clean, iron for himself , manage his own bank account etc, things he is not confident in doing. He's like 21 going on 15....DD is the complete opposite and is very independent. I want him to move out and make his own way in the world and he will but he's not ready for that yet.

The point of my thread was looking for advice on helping me manage the situation - DD being left out and also my unreasonable response to being "jealous" that H gets to be fun dad when he was so crap with the DC when he still lived with us I know this is my issue which is why putting it on here helps me process it.

I want to let go of the resentment and move on with my life but am finding it hard. How do you move on when you feel stuck and angry and resentful? Is it just time or are there things I can do to speed up the process?

How old is your DD and does she also live at home?

Can you use the time to spend quality time/ money on your dd who is also feeling left out?

@Loonoon....thank you. It's funny you say about financial rewards of guilt....I don't want to say what the thing is as too outing, but H has just bought DS something that he's wanted for years. It's quite expensive and I said he should be able to buy it about 2 years ago, with his own money, but H said no (and he always had the final say as I would end up bending and going with what he wanted).

Now DS is in his element with it and H gets to bask in the glow of his happiness as the great provider. I know the point is I should just be happy for DS but it really pisses me off. I want to be at the stage when I'm not being petty and putting my feelings first but I seem stuck.

He isn't a quiet child. He is an adult.

I have a 7 year old who is similar. He is diagnosed. Me, dp, ds' dad and step mum all teach him these things now.

There is no reason a 21 year old can't teach himself to cook, clean and iron.

He should already know this stuff.

He may be undiagnosed with autism. But it's clearly not very severe, to the point he can't have his own life. He should know this stuff.

My 7 year can clean, knows how to load a washer and helps me cook. Your son is 21.

It really sounds like you baby him. That will do more damage in the long run, than his relationship with his dad.

DD has just turned 18 and still at home but planning on moving in with boyfriend next year once deposit saved.

DD does tend to do more with me but I do try to take both of them out to dinner/Cinema once a week - together or individually. Doesn't always happen as H works shifts/sees OW so tells DC when he is "available " and they prioritise his time as if they didn't, they wouldn't see him ( which I understand they need to do that).

I get you.
I think you need to hold onto the fact that he is now only pissing you off from a distance and at least you no longer have to live with him.
Their relationship is more what you wanted and will settle down in time.

@Notaclue. I do not baby him at all. Far from it. This is not a thread about rearing DC.

@AJPTaylor - good point. It is what I wanted....I will focus on that. Need to get ready for work now. Thanks to all.

I hated the Disney Dad attitude too OP.

But my son sees right through it. He knows I do the grunt work and the responsibility, support and care. And he appreciates it more than i could ever imagine.

He enjoys spending time with his father and has fun, but his home is here with me.

Let your ex spend money on the frivolous stuff, it means that you don't have to. Keep your money for quality time like your dinner/Cinema evenings and, more importantly, for yourself.

Excluding your daughter though, that's nasty. Perhaps he knows that she sees through him a bit too clearly?

I do not baby him at all. Far from it. This is not a thread about rearing DC.

But it is. For 2 reasons. Your view as ds as a child, is colouring your thinking. It's making this more painful for you. He is an adult and knows the situation. He isn't a child that doesn't remember that he dad was shit when he was a toddler.

You see yourself as parenting him still. Teaching him how to do basics. If you view him and treat him as a child and your ex treats him even slightly more grown up, he will love that.

Let him be an adult. Most people distance themseleves from their parents, to some degree. But then most of us go back. It's like a period to reassert yourself as an adult, then rebalance the relationship with your parents.

I am very close to my parents in my 30s. In my early twenties I distanced myself. We all needed to learn a new type of relationship. Instead of child/parent, it becomes more of adult/adult relationship. Not completely, because our kids are always our kids.

It sounds like you are both babying him. He is an adult. How can his dad have any say over what he buys or has ? Why are you only now teaching him life skills? My 8 year old can do these things.
Do you think you are both possibly babying him to keep him close to you?

Op if your son is autistic then often they behave like a person of 2/3 their age.

And to the poster saying you are babying him and that he can't be that bad if he doesn't have a diagnosis- you have no idea how hard it is to get a asd diagnosis. Or how much support someone with asd can need. My child got all a* at GCSEs but can't do lots of basic household stuff because of sensory issues etc.

Scifi101 talk about picking bits out of a post to suit your point!

I know exactly how hard it is. Ok hasn't even suggested she pursued it.

People with autism do not often act 2/3 of their age. Some do. Many don't.

My son has been diagnosed after a long long fight for it. He can still be taught basics, as I said in my post. He is 7.

The op refers to her 21 year old son as a quiet child. Nothing to suggest that he can not function as an adult or not been able to cope with these tasks until now.

saltandvinegarcrisps I understand how you feel. My ex does similar things with our 3 now adult children (22, 20 and 18), taking them away for days and weekends, spending lots of money on them etc. I maintain a home for them as none are in the position to get their own places yet as younger two still at uni. Eldest still finding his place in the world but has a steady and safe job.

As their mother, I want to provide them with a secure, safe place to call home, where they can leave their stuff while they go out into the world but know they have security and me to come back to. Their dad doesn't give them this as he's moved in with his new girlfriend. Is it unreasonable of me to want to provide my offspring with this security?

It's just going to take time for it to feel normal again. I'm glad you're asking for help with your feelings as quite often difficult feelings can lead some to try and control a situation.

Deep breaths and take comfort in knowing you're behaving in a way that you'll be glad to look back on when it's not painful.

@Blobby10 and @headinhands - thank you for your thoughts and understanding. I really don't want to turn this into a parenting thread and have criticism thrown at my son (or indeed my parenting abilities) for what he does or doesn't do so it is good to have people comment on my feelings and how I deal with my (at times) unreasonable emotions.

@Blobby - my exH doesnt give a minute's thought to how I will afford a 3 bed place as like you, I always want my DC to feel they have a place they can go to if needed ...who knows what the future brings, they could become ill and need care, be fleeing domsetic violence...or simply want to come and visit their old mum. H can swan off to his one bed flat (or move in with OW as I suspect will happen) and he does not legally have to pay a penny for our DC...but you would think he would want to!

he's an adult, there's not much parenting to be done is there?

Oh Mumsnet you do make me chuckle.