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Original poster

Coffee and a catch up with an ex

31 replies

moolady1977 · 20/11/2018 22:24

I've been with my dp for 16 months things are great we live together and I wouldn't change anything about him, his ex wife cheated on him with a so-called friend and it took him a long time to get over it.
I have been chatting online to an ex of mine from over 20 years ago who has asked if I fancy meeting for coffee and a catch up, this ex and I just drifted apart we became more like friends so called it a day.
My dp has no issues with me having male friends or going out with them for drinks. I really want to meet up and see how life has treat him but this is an ex and I don't want my dp to feel like I'm doing something behind his back I just don't know how to word it properly that I'm meeting for a coffee

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 20/11/2018 22:26

Take your DP with you if it’s nothing more than an old friend that once was an ex?

adaline · 20/11/2018 22:26

Would you be happy if he met his ex for a coffee in the same situation?

RamblinRosie · 21/11/2018 00:28

I’d go, tell your DP the truth , you’re meeting a long term ex, easy . If he gets funny, be worried.

Chucknology · 21/11/2018 00:39

Don't go for the coffee then Hmm

MistressDeeCee · 21/11/2018 01:52

If your DP met up with his ex what would you say?

I somehow think if you're going to meet up with this ex you are not going to tell your DP anyway.

Notacluewhatthisis · 21/11/2018 06:03

If my Dp met up with his ex wife, I would be really uncomfortable. But that more because she subjected me to a campaign of harassment and threaten his sister, my best friend.

An ex from years ago, it would depend.

If he had been chatting to any ex and arranged this without mentioning it, I would be really angry and I wouldn't trust him.

Does he know you have been chatting to your ex?

Unicyclethief · 21/11/2018 06:10

Are they really still classed as an ex after 20 years? I would have thought they were just a very old, or distant friend.

mogratpineapple · 21/11/2018 09:35

Definitely don't do it in secret. Secrets are the devil! On the same note I would take dp for that reason - nothing to hide, all in the open.

Aussiebean · 21/11/2018 09:37

If you don’t want to tell you dp, then it’s not that innocent and you shouldn’t go.

GooodMythicalMorning · 21/11/2018 09:38

I wouldn't go. Its not worth any drama tbh

eggsandwich · 21/11/2018 09:41

This is just not a male friend though its your ex a completely different thing.

SandyY2K · 21/11/2018 09:45

Be honest.... do you think there's still an attraction between you?

Have your talks been purely innocent? Flirty? Is your Ex in a relationship?

If you can't openly tell your DP...then don't go.

Your Ex suggesting a coffee could mean he has hopes for more.

Does the Ex know you're in a relationship?

WasFatNowThin · 21/11/2018 09:56

I met up with an ex from over 25 years ago earlier this year - he threw his arms around me and before I knew it, his tongue was down my throat! I didn't tell my DP, before or after.

certificateofauthenticity · 21/11/2018 09:57

It depends what your reason really is for meeting him. If you, in your heart of hearts, can say that it is not to compare, see if he was the one, see if you still have a 'spark' or any other potential risky situation, then fine. You are in contact with him on social media, you should get some idea from that as to what you will end up taking about. People with previous intimate relationships are more at risk of something more developing. Do not lie to your husband, under any circumstances, even little white ones. Take him with you even. I met an old flame from 20 years ago, we are both happily married, and she was on a trip from abroad. I took my wife with. Not because she doesn't trust me, or I don't trust myself. I just felt it was better to be transparent. If you have nothing to hide, then hide nothing. My wife and my ex gf got on fantastically and we had a great time together.

Bluetrews25 · 21/11/2018 12:34

Sorry, but why do you need to meet if you have been chatting online? Surely you have done all the catching up you need to do there? Meeting IRL is to see if there is still hope of a re-kindle. Did he suggest it, or you?
Bad idea, unless you take DP with you.

OutPinked · 21/11/2018 13:42

I wouldn’t be comfortable if my DP wanted to do this. I met up with an ex once for a coffee when I was single and it became more than a coffee... I think it’s trouble waiting to happen, don’t do it.

PaleRider1 · 21/11/2018 14:34

Definitely do not do it behind your partners back. If it's all innocent and above board then you have nothing to hide and be upfront and honest with him - take him along even. Show him you have nothing to hide.

If, on the other hand you are wanting to do this behind your partners back and the ex isn't happy with your current partner coming along for a coffee, then it isn't as above board as you make out, and therefore steer well clear.

cakecakecheese · 21/11/2018 14:37

I occasionally meet up with a guy I went out with 20 years ago but it was so long ago I just think of him as a friend who I happened to go out with a long time ago, not an ex as such.

MaMisled · 21/11/2018 14:47

If you think it would hurt/worry/unsettle your DP in any way, don't do it.

Original poster
moolady1977 · 21/11/2018 15:47

I can hand on heart say it isn't to compare, no signs I should be thinking its anything other than a coffee and a chat, the meet up would be in a local coffee shop in broad daylight and I would take my other half but he works during the day

OP posts:
Original poster
moolady1977 · 21/11/2018 15:50

Oooops posted too soon, my partner knows I'm talking to him and that he is from a long time ago and the ex knows I'm in a relationship

OP posts:
Musti · 21/11/2018 16:01

So you haven't met this ex in 20 years and now that he's split up with his wife he wants to meet up with you? Or gave you met up through the years?

thisusernameisrubbish · 21/11/2018 16:06

I'm sorry but I think even if there is nothing on your side, your ex will be thinking with other intentions. He didn't want to meet you the whole time he's been married, but now he's a single man?

Ask your partner, if he's ok with it, go. If he's not, don't go. Simple.

ThunderInMyHeart · 21/11/2018 16:23

An ex from 20 years ago? You survived this long without having to meet up with him...why now all of a sudden? What's the point?

I'd have been pissed off at the online chatting. You should have mentioned that to your DP.

I think you're playing with fire...or at least likely to annoy your DP for no good reason.

ThunderInMyHeart · 21/11/2018 16:24

Ah, sorry. Scrap my bit about telling the DP

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