Bitch of a day

[DoReMeFaSo]

Could use a bit of support after a nasty discussion with DH/XDH today.

We're breaking up but for various reasons he keeps coming back to the house to spend time (I've posted about him before under another username).

He's at that stage where basically everything is my fault. Including the fact that he hasn't worked for several years but has instead sat around doing not much. We have two school age children. I pay for everything; he has no income. He doesn't clean or tidy around the house at all really (which is a huge part of us breaking up).

Anyway, today I've been told that:

He doesn't spend much/add that much extra to the household outgoings.

He doesn't really make the house any dirtier/messier than it would be anyway.

When he's been away and then comes back the house is just as messy/dirty as it is when he's here (possibly, but then I've been busy working, not just hanging around all day).

If he has his own house with the children, he will be perfectly capable of keeping it in a state they all find acceptable.

My cats make more mess than he does and he really doesn't like the mess they make . (I had them when we met 10+ years ago).

And so on and so forth. Apparently he has had several opportunities to go off with other women but he didn't do so because he had an obligation to stand by me and the children

Oh and he never cleans because he knows he'd just get criticised for not doing it properly.

My head and my heart are hurting, I'm just feeling so confused about what I've supposedly done wrong (everything) and how hard done by he apparently is.

Well, opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one.

I would stop giving him the opportunity to run you down, if I were you.

If kids are the reason he's in the house, then he needs to be finding an alternative way of seeing them. If it has to be like this temporarily, then there's really no need for you to be present - you can go to another room, or go out.

You are not obliged to sit and listen to his ranting. That's the joy of breaking up, you never have to take on board his opinion of you ever again.

Thanks for replying

Yeah I know, I think it was just his earnest and angry outlining of how he hasn’t really cost me that much extra money anyway so I’m complaining about nothing. It really got to me.

As if I was just here running a household anyway (with our children!) so why should I begrudge him a little extra? Why would I be so petty?

As if I’d not dreamt of us building a life together.

I’m just sad and disappointed I guess. I really tried so hard.

Exactly what category said.
There is absolutely no reason at all why you have to listen to this shit.

You've split up! He shouldn't be at your house at all. If he has nowhere else to see the children, go out while he is there.

He sounds like a total arse, tbh.

Do not let him get to you!! Why should he be costing you any more money?? You are not obliged to listen to his petulant winging, you know!

*whingeing

Jesus he sounds like a whiney child - no wonder you are getting shot of him. Don't give him airtime, head space or oxygen - just shut him up and shuffle him out the door.....and relax!

Oh, and it's normal for an full-grown adult in a household to contribute positively to that household, not just not cost it much (which I doubt, lazy, non-contributing adult is a big burden financially and housework-wise).

So he may think he's not much of a burden, but he shouldn't be one at all - having a partner should make life easier, not degrees harder.

His standards for himself are bloody low. Tell him that. Or rather don't cos it's not worth it.

Thank you.

Obviously I’m not perfect by any means but hearing him go on, you’d think I’d ruined his life.

It’s hard not to believe all this stuff when someone you care(d) about keeps saying it over and over

I feel really stressed and trapped but I’ve found a good counsellor who’s been helping me a lot. Today was a major setback though!

Do you have a strategy for shutting him down? You are no obliged to listen to him. Tell him to get his own counsellor. Do you have a strategy for keeping him out if the house?

I mean honestly, if the best he can say about himself as a partner is that he didn't cost that much and didn't make things much messier and didn't cheat, then I don't really know whether to be embarrassed for him or laugh.

You wanted to be in a partnership with a team member, not enabling a spectator with an access all areas pass. You need to find a coping mechanism that works for you.

This all sounds like an excuse to load around not cleaning or doing anything. No thanks, my house seems to dirty itself enough on its own with me and my cats in it. I'd take my chances on him not magically making it cleaner through osmosis. These are very odd rationalisations, you do realize that, I hope.

If he was a nice person, this wouldn't be in question as he'd be contributing rather than acting like a barnacle.

showmeshoyu (Kikkoman!), I suspect he has some kind of executive functioning issues which he is now looking into, but obviously this revelation has come far tol late for us as a couple.

I logically believe that they’re odd rationalisations, but of course part of my reason for posting is that I sometimes feel like I’m losing my grip on reality, so it’s reassuring to hear that it’s all a bit strange.

We have a family counselling appointment coming up in a few weeks but I can’t say I hold out too much hope that he’s suddenly going to stop blaming me for everything. He’s one of those people who argues by turning everything back on you, so when I say I feel frustrated when he does X, he says that X happens because I do Y, that kind of thing.

Kikkomaaannnnnn! I'm really happy you got the reference.

Deflecting is such a great logical fallacy. Deflecting solves nothing.

He doesn't sound like a monster but he sounds like he doesn't have the insight or motivation to be the person you need in a relationship. I hope it all works out for you.

Really why are you still engaging? What is the point of family therapy? You have decided to move on. Are you children to be involved in it - what is the point of them watching some ding-dong?

No it’s just the two of us, not the children. We have to engage because nothing is sorted out about living arrangements yet, he expects to stay with me whenever he likes until he has a job and a new place to live. I don’t want him to, unsurprisingly.

Surely you just need mediation now - to button down the separation in terms of finance and access - not family therapy.

Oh grief. I’ve heard the ‘I turned down so and so to stay with you’ before. It’s twattish game playing. You are so well rid. Use the counselling session to lay ground rules for how you can interact moving forwards.

It is not all your fault. Repeat after me...

@another20 yes, I agree - we have a child with (mild) SN which is why we need to have this particular session, but after that, fuck it.

misstomrs the funny thing is that a few weeks ago I said to a friend, “The best thing that could happen would be for him to run off with someone else” and we laughed. Today he tells me that he had the chance and turned it down.... for me. No really, you shouldn’t have!

He turned down nothing. What a shitty way to try to manipulate things. Trying to make you feel grateful for his awful behaviour. I'd say it's a shame you didn't just laugh in his face, but that would be mean.

Wow he set the bar quite low there! Really it should be ‘what can I bring to the table?’ rather than ‘but I don’t take that much from it!’

He reminds me if my friend's exh. He didn't do any housework because he believed that it was the woman's role to do house work whilst the man worked and brought in the money, and just because he didn't have a job didn't mean he had to 'help' at home.

He doesn't sound like a monster but he sounds like he doesn't have the insight or motivation to be the person you need in a relationship.

No, he's not a monster at all, but he's actually pretty callous and I had never realised that before. I'm all over the place at the moment and it's partly shock at his behaviour. He just seems to have such contempt for me.

We've just had another bad interaction and I'm wondering whether to contact the psychologist for an emergency session or something. I feel so stressed and trapped, which surely isn't how an independent working adult should be feeling? I have a job, a life (well until very recently!!) and an idea of where I want to go in the future. Why am I somehow letting this man try to make me put everything on hold while making out that I'm the problem?

He keeps going about getting a divorce, which to me is further proof of how deluded he is. Like fuck I'm going to pay for a divorce, and he has no income so.........???

Why am I somehow letting this man try to make me put everything on hold while making out that I'm the problem?
Only you know this?
Why are you even listening to a word this lazy, cocklodger has to say about you????
And stop letting him 'spend time' in your house.
Only communicate about access to the DC.
Please stop giving him any headspace.
He's an asshole.
That's all you need to know right now!