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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bitch of a day

40 replies

DoReMeFaSo · 20/11/2018 18:13

Could use a bit of support after a nasty discussion with DH/XDH today.

We're breaking up but for various reasons he keeps coming back to the house to spend time (I've posted about him before under another username).

He's at that stage where basically everything is my fault. Including the fact that he hasn't worked for several years but has instead sat around doing not much. We have two school age children. I pay for everything; he has no income. He doesn't clean or tidy around the house at all really (which is a huge part of us breaking up).

Anyway, today I've been told that:

He doesn't spend much/add that much extra to the household outgoings.

He doesn't really make the house any dirtier/messier than it would be anyway.

When he's been away and then comes back the house is just as messy/dirty as it is when he's here (possibly, but then I've been busy working, not just hanging around all day).

If he has his own house with the children, he will be perfectly capable of keeping it in a state they all find acceptable.

My cats make more mess than he does and he really doesn't like the mess they make Confused. (I had them when we met 10+ years ago).

And so on and so forth. Apparently he has had several opportunities to go off with other women but he didn't do so because he had an obligation to stand by me and the children Hmm

Oh and he never cleans because he knows he'd just get criticised for not doing it properly.

My head and my heart are hurting, I'm just feeling so confused about what I've supposedly done wrong (everything) and how hard done by he apparently is. Sad

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 21/11/2018 13:45

You are probably going to have to start divorce proceedings just to move forward in getting him out of the house. Where is he currently staying?

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 21/11/2018 13:50

Put a lock on your fridge and washing machine.

Original poster
DoReMeFaSo · 21/11/2018 13:55

hellsbellsmelons sometimes it helps so much to have someone tell you straight out that something is bullshit.

The psychologist got it through my head, but after a few weeks' break it seems like it's all worn off again and I've started to believe his crap.

He's currently meant to be staying at his parents' but he really wants me out of the house and to install himself there, not that he can pay the rent. I have no family in this country and don't really have anywhere else to go (none of my friends love me enough to have me come and sleep on the couch!). But all his problems are my fault dontcha know so I think he feels that I owe him big time!

I can't just go and find another place to live because I can't afford to pay the rent on two houses/flats/rooms, and I'm not going to move out and leave my current rent unpaid and kids without a roof over their heads.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 21/11/2018 14:06

So is he on the tenancy for the house OP?

Original poster
DoReMeFaSo · 21/11/2018 14:20

Yes he is. In addition we are married and we have two children together. I am the sole breadwinner.

He is getting worse and worse this week and I'm starting to feel desperate. I don't know how to get out of this. I'm not actually suicidal (don't worry) but the thought had crossed my mind. If I could push a button and it would be over, I'm pretty sure I'd do that.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out whether I should call and try to make an appointment with the psychologist for tomorrow/Friday (no idea if she'd be available) or just wait until next week when we have an appointment scheduled. I don't know what she could do, anyway. I really don't know where to turn right now, I feel like I'm starting to lose my grip on reality a bit. Considering going to a hotel for the night or something, I can't really afford it though. I don't know, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 21/11/2018 14:29

Why are you reluctant to divorce? Whichever way you go is going to cost you unfortunately. You could find out a good solicitor and speak to them so you’re prepared.

Original poster
DoReMeFaSo · 21/11/2018 14:37

We've only just split up, he is so cavalier about spending money, and it costs quite a lot of money. I simply don't have it! I think it's ridiculous to be bleating on about wanting to divorce when your wife (ie me) is carefully budgeting to buy 2x pairs of warm winter boots for the children this week.

I also don't really have money for a solicitor. I was sat here at the computer just now looking through the listings and I just cried because it's yet another thing in our marriage that he has whinged about and expected me to sort out without putting any effort into it himself. Wifework indeed!

OP posts:
MovemberBlues · 21/11/2018 15:01

The key at this point OP is not to engage with him about anything other than practical arrangements. As soon as the litany of complaints start from him, say 'this conversation is over' and leave the room. You need headspace to focus on what you need, which is him out of the house

LastOneDancing · 21/11/2018 15:14

What Karwomannghia said - he sat there and told you what he doesnt do (make a mess, kiss other people Hmm ) but what DOES he bring to your family?! Does he feel he's doing you a huge favour by his mere presence?

You are naturally going to be grieving for your marriage, but please don't let him fool you into thinking you're wrong to want to build a happy future for yourself.

Nobody needs to waste their life accommodating a man-child.

CrabbityRabbit · 21/11/2018 15:23

If you have no assets can you do a DIY divorce?

MixedMaritalArts · 21/11/2018 19:34

How is he spending ? Cash ? Credit cards ? Debit ?

Original poster
DoReMeFaSo · 21/11/2018 19:44

I think he’s now in his overdraft or has had some money from his parents. He’s not asked me for any money lately and I haven’t offered.

We don’t have credit cards.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoReMeFaSo · 21/11/2018 19:45

Name change fail oops Wink

OP posts:
category12 · 21/11/2018 19:49

If he's not going to contest a divorce and there are no assets, it's £550 court fees and you'd then be free of him. I divorced my ex without using solicitors. You might be able to get a half-hour free first consultation with a solicitor to get an overview of your situation (I did). It's the best way to financially separate yourself as well.

Of course, as the breadwinner, you want to be careful that you don't end up stuck still supporting him, but it's unlikely if you're going to continue to be primary carer for the dc as well.

If you have assets, then you're more likely to need a solicitor.

Maelstrop · 21/11/2018 21:30

Go and see your landlord and ask if you can remove your stbx from the tenancy. Given you're the one paying the rent, you should be able to swing it (not sure about it being the marital home, ask Shelter)

He's an idiot, OP, set, if he thinks he's right about not causing bigger bills etc. Does he live on fresh fucking air?

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