Bloody DH! Just need to vent

[ImTooOldForThisShit]

DH has been a fucking arsehole tonight.
We have been together 20 years and have 2DC. It's been a relationship with a lot of fun times and love & laughter.
But partly due to his batshit family DH drinks too much & has a shitty temper.
He just looses it sometimes. And he can't shake it off or see how ridiculous and antagonistic he's being.
He has been at home sick all day today whilst I got everyone to school and went to work then picked everyone up from school and made their dinner and got them bathed and ready for bed... DH was going to read to them & put them to bed so I hopped in the bath to relax for 10mins...
The kids were just being kids and messing around and I could hear DS & DH arguing then all hell breaks loose. There is swearing and door slamming (both of them) DS is only 9.
Somehow our smaller DC managed to fall asleep whilst this was happening.
I know DH is tired and feeling unwell but I then have to spend the rest of the evening comforting DS whilst DH stomps around swearing and banging stuff in a very aggressive way in the other room.
DS is scared and crying and thinks it's all his fault. He says to me that he's scared to go to
sleep in case Daddy gets more angry and hurts him.
I put him in my bed and cuddle him and tell him it's not his fault that Daddy is a grown up and should control his temper and that he would never hurt him.
I know that DH will be hard on himself tomorrow about this and the effect it's had on DS.
But I'm just getting so sick of his inability to grow the fuck up.
This behaviour makes me think we would be better off apart. This makes me terribly sad as for the most part we are a happy family and I think a divorce would rip all of our worlds apart & destroy us.
I've asked him on a number of occasions now to get therapy and he always says he will but never gets round to it.

But I can't make him change can I? I honestly don't know what to do. 95% of the time all is well and we are all happy. I just feel like this anger issue is not going to go away is it? 😥

He's pulling you on a bit of string when he says he'll seek therapy or help. He has zero intention of doing this. Do what I'm doing - look to make an escape plan.

The phrase "get your ducks in a row" has certainly entered my head this evening that's for sure!

DS is scared and crying and thinks it's all his fault. He says to me that he's scared to go to
sleep in case Daddy gets more angry and hurts him.

Start planning to get your husband out of your your house.

Every time you waver, think back to what your son is telling you. Think about the fact that this kind of behaviour from your husband is such normal background noise to your smaller DC that they were able to fall asleep while it was happening.

This needs to stop.

It's not normal behaviour is it?
I'm so tired of the drama.
I'm so worried about the effect it is having on the kids.
But then I worry about the effect that us separating would have on them too.

I think your kids would be relieved if you separated from him. Then they wouldn't be too scared to sleep in their own home.

Your husband is scaring your son, he's making him afraid in his house where he should feel safe. You should divorce him for the sake of your children and yourself as well. It's not ok.

Easy to say, I know, but you'll all be happier living apart. Certainly the DC will. It's just no acceptable for DH to be roaring around shouting and swearing, frightening the DC witless!

Maybe just maybe putting wheels in motion to split up will make him seek therapy.

But staying in this relationship as it is, is damaging your dc. At least on your own you would be able to provide a calm, consistent, loving atmosphere.

It is very wrong for your ds to be scared his dad will hurt him in his sleep. Really look at that reality, OP. Divorce is not worse than that.

I would not tolerate any man hurting a child of mine. It’s that simple really.

Your child is scared to go to sleep, how horrific is that?

This kind of blow up will only go one way. In my experience, boys like your son become teenagers and one day he and your dh May come to blows. What example is your dh setting to your son indeed all your children ?? Get him out and see if he will do as he says he will . These blow ups may not happen very often but will be imprinting themselves on your children's brains.

What was it all about?

Parents & kids up and down the country will be shouting and slamming doors. It’s really unremarkable.

However, DS is scared and crying and thinks it's all his fault. He says to me that he's scared to go to sleep in case Daddy gets more angry and hurts him

WTAF?

Is your DS being ridiculously over dramatic or does he have cause to think that would actually happen?

If he’s being overly dramatic then you need to be firm with him about not being so ridiculous.

If he has cause to be genuinely worried about that, then DH needs to leave. Tonight, or tomorrow at the latest.

That's really upsetting. The swearing and frightening the DC is not acceptable and needs to stop.

Life is far too short to spend it walking around on eggshells around someone's temper, and even worse, your kids are learning to do the same.

That's not being a family, that's misery.

You mention drink in your op - was he drinking today?

He (and you) cant blame a batshit family for his drinking. He needs to own it if it's causing a problem and not shift the blame. And he needs to stop drinking otherwise nothing will change.

You had a child who was shaking, scares and scared to go to sleep and you had another who managed to go to sleep through it all.

That alone should tell you what their normal is and what you should do. They're going to grow up with scars.

Ive got a bit of a temper and struggled with DS1 when he was a toddler/little boy. One day, he did something and I said, “oh, I could kill you!”. His little face was so scared looking so we had a chat and it turned out that he thought parents could just kill their children and that I might do it. I never said anything remotely like that to him ever again and still feel sick about it now. I’m not perfect, but after that, I made sure to tamp down my behaviour and words so that my kids would never be scared of me again.
Now, when they fuck up, I have to suck it up and say, “that’s ok, thank you for telling me/admitting it” Your DH needs to see that it’s not ok to keep frightening his children like that.

it must be heart breaking listening to your son and comforting him

your DH is out of control, if I were you I would order him out of the house because your child comes first

a grown up, and a parent!, should control their mouth in front of any kids, let alone banging furniture

he is a b*d putting himself first in argument with a small child!!!!

DH stomps around swearing and banging stuff in a very aggressive way in the other room.

OP this is not normal behaviour. Do you want your children to grow up in a climate of fear? Get out of there. You’re risking your kids’ mental health if you stay.

When I was a child my DM once told me if I did' that' again ( no idea/ can't remember what I was doing) she wouldn't love me anymore. It's stuck with me all my life. What parents say has a profound effect on children many many years later. I'm in my 60's now and it still haunts me fgs!

Dh had issues with anger. 3 months before we got married it resulted in him losing it so badly I thought he was going to crash the car into another person. I left the house and cried for 24 straight hours because I knew I could not marry him under these conditions. I then went home and told.him that. It was the kick he finally needed yo sort himself out and he started counselling that week.

We have never had an incident like that again. A few years ago his fuse started to get short again. Not like before but he willingly and proactively went back yo therapy. Which in retrospect was the best thing for him because none of us had realised how a family issue was affecting him but the opportunity to be angry in a safe place helped.

My point is that your dh has a problem. He even appears willing to accept that. But he clearly is not motivated to actually do anything about it. He needs to step up or move out.

Hi bling you are completely right. Thanks for your reply it's really comforting to know that counselling does work sometimes. What kind of therapist did your DH see?

DH woke up this morning & apologised to DS.
I told him that he needs to call an anger management councillor today and perhaps go to the doctors to get some antidepressants. Otherwise I'm done. It wasn't an easy thing to say to him. But I said that I can't have the kids think that last night's behaviour is normal.
He agreed.

He doesn't behave like this most if the time. He really does have some difficult issues that I can see affect the length of his fuse as you put it.

I haven't had time to read all the other replies to my op. But thank you for responding. I'm sure there's lots of LTB type replies. That will sadly be the outcome if I don't see some effort from him today to deal with his issues.

I'm not a down trodden woman whose scarred of my husband. And for the most part he's a great dad. Better than most.
But the anger is affecting our family and it has to stop. I hope he follows through for all our sakes. Haven't slept a wink. Have to get kids off to school and me to work now.
Thanks again for listening.

What do you think you are going to do when/if he comes home ‘not having enough time’ to do anything?

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

Re your comment:-
"I honestly don't know what to do. 95% of the time all is well and we are all happy"

I also do not think this comment of yours is correct either and it seems like you are in your own denial here when you write this and trying to put a gloss on it. Your children are very perceptive here and I doubt very much they are at all happy at home; what you describe here is patently not their sanctuary at all. Your H is scaring his son and you as their mother have to be seen to be protecting them. In their eyes you are not doing that. You cannot protect them fully from this and have never been able to do so either whilst you are all under the same roof.

Separating will have far less of an effect on your children overall than you staying with this man with them growing up within such a dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy environment. Is this really the model that you want them to learn about relationships from?.
Staying for the children as well is rarely if ever a good idea and it places a huge burden upon them too.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you?. Did you really go onto marry basically a carbon copy of your dad here?.

Re your great dad comment, well no he is not a great dad either; women in poor relationships often write such guff when they themselves can write nothing positive about their man. I doubt very much any of your kids think that their father is a great dad.

In all likelihood your DH can and does control himself around other people so he does not have an anger management problem. He simply reserves all of this ill treatment for you as his wife and in turn your children.

Words are cheap too OP; he was not actually going to say that he disagrees with you. Its actions that count here, not mere words and telling you what you so want to hear. He has not acted at all to address this before now so what has really changed here, nothing really. You can ultimately only change how you yourself react to him.

What are you still getting from this relationship?.

Where is your red line in the sand here re your H?